12 years

12 years ago today I married my best friend.  This last 12 years has been one heck of a ride. It is so much more than I expected and so much different than I dreamed. I have this amazing little life and while it wasn't the life I thought I would have it is the life I love and wouldn't change.

Sure we don't always see eye to eye and there is the occasional fight but one thing I know for sure is that through thick and thin, love conquers all.

I am truly blessed. I married a very smart man who just happens to be an amazing father. I knew he would be but I didn't know just how truly wonderful he is. Kiya has him wrapped around her little finger and I just know Baby K will as well. He was meant to parent these girls.

So while these last 12 years have taken us on a crazy ride full of ups and downs. We did it and we did it together. We survived it all still intact and the proud parents of 2 amazing little girls from two very different parts of the world.

I am sure we will still have our share of arguments but one thing will remain the same. Love will get us through. Life is crazy. We have lived crazy and kept on going. Together we can conquer anything as long as we do it together. I am grateful I found the person I can conquer life with. We truly needed each other to get through the last 12 years and we will need each other in the next 12.

So to the love of my life, thank you. Thank you for being there. For being such a great dad and for working so hard so we can have the life we do. I am not sure what us girls would do without you.

Life

No this isn't going to be some philosophical post....trust me. It will likely be full of whining, complaining and well just my over all need to vent.

Well, to start Kiya was scheduled for her 2nd cast on Tuesday Jan. 18th. I had to call and cancel that this morning. Kiya is sick. She developed this nasty cough and  I just can't put her under anesthesia. And there is the chance that the anesthesiologist would have sent us home anyway.

So what does this mean....well to start,Kiya will be out of cast for more than 2 months. I am not happy about that but really there isn't anything I can do about that. From observation, her back looks good. As good as it can I think. I could be totally delusional and wishing that to be true but I do think that one cast got us some correction and for now that correction seems to holding. Saying prayers that that doesn't change while we wait for a new cast date.

And here is where this post gets worse.....LIFE IS UNFAIR. Yup it is true. And it goes so much beyond Kiya having to face all of these obstacles at a young age.  I got a phone call at about 1am this morning. You know when the phone rings at that hour it is never good news.  And this call was no different.

On the other end was my dearest and best friend of 20 years. She was noticeably upset. She then proceeded to tell me that her dad died.  what??? I was in shock. I think I stayed in shock until this morning when it really hit me. The man that allowed me to spend countless hours at his house in high school. He made me try duck stew. He gave me my first sip of champagne in a Dixie cup. He managed to convince the wait staff at my wedding to keep bringing him chocolate truffles.  And now he is gone. How did this happen??

I wanted nothing more than to reach through the phone and cry and hug my best friend. I still want to. It is so unfair. So unfair. He was too young. He has these 3 amazing grandkids, 2 amazing kids and an amazing wife. This family is my second family.  I feel awful. I want to be able to do something and yet there is nothing I can do.

I tried to put on a tough face and go to work this morning and I couldn't. Every time I opened  my  mouth to talk. I started to cry. It was too much. I went home.

So I am not in a great spot today. I am trying to make sense of something that just doesn't make sense. That and trying to see if I can swing plane tickets to California to hug the one person I really need to be with right now.

2 years ago

Two years ago at approximately 12:53pm, after 11 months, 2 weeks and 1 day of waiting, my life forever changed with one phone call. The call that said I was finally going to be a mom after 6 long years of infertility, domestic adoption nightmares and the phrase it's a girl made all of that pain a distant memory.

Sweet Yewibdar, was a mere 5 1/2 weeks old and a very tiny 6lbs. Here is the first picture we saw of our sweet baby girl. I to this day have this picture near me in my purse and on my nightstand. 

 Here is our sweet big girl 2 years later. I can't believe it.

She went from not being on any growth chart with lots of talk about how small her head circumference was to a full fledged toddler in the 50th percentile for weight, 83rd percentile for height and 60th percentile for head circumference.

She is a walking, talking amazing little girl. She has so much to say and can be quite bossy at times but one thing has never changed. You can see the fight in her eyes even at 5 1/2 weeks. She has that same fight today and it has served her so well and always will.

So while I celebrate the joy that came to my life on this date 2 years ago, I remember the heartache experienced by another mother. That will stay with me. I owe so much more that gratitude to this woman. Her strength made my dreams come true and I hope one day I can share with her just how amazing our daughter is.

Kiya is 2

It is official. Kiya turned 2 today. We had a family party on Thanksgiving with a Dora cake. Kiya dug right into the frosting and yet still wouldn't eat the cake. She loved the Dora, Diego and Boots figures though so it was still a success.

 And here is my big girl just this morning before she headed out to daycare to play with her friends. She was asking for her friend Lily all weekend. It was pretty cute.

In every picture we take, I see the sparkle and light in Kiya's eyes. I look at her and I see her Mama Zinash. I really see the resemblance now. I didn't always but I do now. The older Kiya gets she is looking more and more like her mother.

So today we are celebrating all things Kiya and yet we are taking a pause tonight to honor and remember a very special woman. 2 years ago some 7000 miles away, Zinash went into labor while at school taking her exams and she gave birth to Annakiya Yewibdar at a clinic in Angacha, Ethiopia later that night.

I have really no words. We are truly blessed and honored to be able to parent Kiya. I wish I could hop on a plane right now and go to Ethiopia and find Zinash and let her really see just what an amazing little girl she gave birth too. I know Kiya gets her fight and drive from her Mama Zinash. Some day we will make this happen. We have to.

Someday when Kiya reads this I want her to know just how much I love her and just how much she inspires me. She is a remarkable kid that just won't let anything stop her. She has fight and drive and silliness and sassiness. She lights up any room and can be shy or the life of the party. She loves all things music. She loves to sing and dance sometimes in the middle of the night. She loves to talk. She gives the best hugs. She loves the park and to count. She loves her dogs and her tee tee (blanket).

Her current favorite foods are bread and butter, peanut butter cups, bananas, all things chicken, fish sticks, ranch dressing, ketchup, sweet corn, cheese, mac n cheese, pizza, turkey dogs, oranges, peas and pasta.

She is a princess and tomboy. She loves jewelery and dolls and to play with cars and rocks.

Kiya is truly a rock star and I am just so proud of her. She has been given a big plate of stuff to deal with this year and she is tackling it like a champ with grace, attitude and pizazz. Look out world, Kiya is on the move literally this year and nothing is going to stand in her way or slow her down.

The depths of motherhood

This post has been in my head for awhile...not sure I am really read to write it but I am going to take a stab at it.

Motherhood was not always my dream. When I was 18 I was pretty sure I didn't want to have kids. When that changed I wanted a boy for sure no girls. Like I could have a say in that. Then I met my husband and I knew for sure that some day I wanted to be a mom and it really didn't matter if it was boy or a girl. I just had this gut feeling.

My journey to motherhood was challenging and full of heartache at times. There were needles and tests and drugs and waiting and more waiting and lots and lots of tears and stress. Then we decided to adopt. And with that there came waiting, heartache, tears and finally one cold day in January a call forever changed my life. I saw my daughter's face that day and I knew deep down in my soul that we meant for each other. I knew she had gone through so much and that she was so so tiny and so vulnerable and that somewhere 7000 miles away a dear, loving woman made a very difficult choice deep seated in her love for that little girl. The little girl I call my daughter.

All along my journey to motherhood, I am not sure I really got what it meant to be a mother through and through. Sure there is the day to day meeting of basic needs but it is so much more than that. Motherhood runs deep through me to my very core. I wasn't really prepared for how intensely you can love, nurture and advocate for a child. I didn't get it. I get it now.

My sweet Kiya is truly a gift from God. She is a force of nature and I have learned in these recent months that there is nothing I wouldn't do for this little girl. Nothing. A dear friend said on Tuesday, cast day, that she forgot for a moment that Kiya was adopted. She saw pure love, connection and family that day. That really touched me. I don't think too much about it but to know that someone looking in at our family saw just that a family formed by pure love...well there are no words to describe how that makes me feel. It is what I always hoped and dreamed about but to know that it shows through to others unfamiliar with adoption tugged at my heart.

Motherhood has forever changed me in ways I never dreamed possible and while my path to motherhood was long and difficult I wouldn't change a thing. I can't envision it any other way. We truly were supposed to be mother and daughter. I can't thank dear Zinash enough...she did something I could never have done. Her love for our little girl is so amazing. The depths of motherhood ran deep through her as well. They had to. For her to willingly place her daughter in the hands of strangers. Wow. She is a pillar of strength and part of my heart will always belong to her.

Being a mom is the best and hardest job I have ever had. I love my sweet girl more than I ever thought possible. I will fight for her when she can't and I will stand by her always. I don't think I fully understood this until we had to face the reality of her scoliosis. It has made our bond run deeper. It had too. She was scared. I was scared. I had to tap into a reserve of strength I didn't know I had. Why? Because my daughter needed me. I wouldn't have found this strength without her. She is my motivation. My driving force. She is my daughter and it became all to real that the world better not stand in her way or mine.

Sebastian is 10!

So Mr. Sebastian turned 10 today. I can hardly believe. He was my first baby. He truly is the greatest dog. He was house trained in two weeks. He never destroyed a shoe or piece of furniture. He did and still does love to eat dryer sheets and kleenex.

He has seen me through some tough times. He is truly the best companion. When he was a puppy he would sleep on my chest. When I have a bad day, he is always extra sweet and cuddly. He knows when I am crying even if he can't see it and he comes to sit with me.

Here are some pictures through the years. They are out of order but he is still just as cute even in his old age.

Miss Independent

It happened....Miss Kiya is now Miss Independent.

Nope not walking by herself yet but getting awfully close. We really think she could take a few steps by herself she is just choosing not to but that is to be expected of Kiya. Kiya does what she wants when she wants to not when someone else thinks she should.

She doesn't want our help anymore most of the time. She wants to try and do everything by herself and I mean everything.

She wants to feed herself so with a tiny bit of help from us still she does with utensils and really is very good. She can stab food with a fork and it goes in her mouth. She can scoop with a spoon and again in her mouth. Sometimes she takes way too big of a scoop so we try help scrape some off before we wind up with a huge mess. She also turns the spoon around to fully lick everything off. She can eat both right and left handed.

She started to climb the ladder for the slide all by herself at daycare on Friday. She got a few steps up and then looked over for help. She just crawled on over and started to do it. She was so proud of herself when she got to the top.

We were at my parents house and they have steep stairs leading to the loft. She walked up the stairs with a little help from Mom. We went to go scoot down the stairs and she stands up, grabs the hand rail and attempts to walk down the stairs. Needless to say Mommy stopped that one and helped her walk down.

She wants to brush her own teeth. She thinks she is talking in sentences but most times we only understand a word or two.

She has decided that she is in LOVE with ranch dressing. We allowed her to dip her fries in it one night at Chili's and we created an addict. She spotted it on a table the following week and wanted it for her fries. She dips quite well. Yesterday at lunch, my mom packed ranch dressing for her. She dipped fries, potato chips and pickle in it. Yes pickle. It appears that Miss Kiya likes pickles.

Miss Kiya will be 18 months in a few days and I can wait to see what this summer holds. I took a survey recently sent to me by another mom and one of the questions was what age has been your favorite so far. My answer: Every age. Sure each age has brought challenges but it is so amazing to watch her grow and learn and discover. There are pros and cons to all of it so sure we are in temper tantrum age but I love it. I loved the times before she could sit up , I look forward to the times she is running and I have loved every step in between. Can you blame me, Kiya is nothing if not fabulous and lovable.

Love

This video is wonderful. Makes you think about all the love in your life. I am thankful to be able to share it with you. Check out Kevin and Stacie's blog. They are going a cool give away to win an even cooler t-shirt. And make sure you check out the super cutie at the end of the blog post. That's their daughter!!!

Supreme Sweetness

I have noticed that I talk a lot on this blog about Kiya's sassy side or her silly side so today I am focusing on her sweet side.

Kiya really is a very sweet kid. She loves to give hugs and kisses and climb in your lap. It is just too cute for words.

Recently she has started to pull on my shirt so I get closer to her and then she gives me a big hug. The first time she did this we were in a coffee shop. She just reached out and grabbed my shirt collar and hugged me.

She did it again last night. I was getting her out of the high chair and she grabbed my shirt and pulled me over for a big hug. She did it again and this time I got a hug and a kiss. And then again one more time for a kiss.

She wasn't always so affectionate. When we first came home she had trouble making eye contact and she wasn't a fan of being held for too long. She wasn't used to it. The nannies even told us she was a content baby so she spent a lot of time by herself. She didn't demand affection.

She does now and we couldn't be more thrilled. We have come a long way in this area of attachment and bonding and it feels good. Really good.

So I am now convinced that I have the sweetest (and smartest, and sassiest and silliest) almost 18 month old around. It makes long boring days at work so much better when you get to come home to Kiya.

1 year later

One year ago today, our plane landed after 23 long hours of flight and time zone changes. We were home. We were a family of 3 at home.

The first few weeks home were a total blur. Dave and I both came home sick and Kiya with a double ear infection. We were trying to establish some sense of normal and recover from the crazy jet lag. Kiya was FABULOUS, it took her maybe 2 days to get on a normal schedule. Thankfully, since it took us parents a little longer to recover.

1 year. A whole year as a Mom. I did it. We survived. Kiya is thriving. We are bonded. We are attached. We are in love. It has been one heck of a year. So much better than I thought it would be. It was all that I hoped for and yet so much more.

That isn't to say we didn't hit some speed bumps. We did. There was an unexpected Hep C antibody issue, some post adoption depression, some marital adjustments, some lonely dog issues. But we survived all of the speed bumps and came out stronger.

This year has been a learning process for all of us. The anxieties have gone. The fear that I was going to do something wrong is gone. The dread of "what if we don't bond" is gone. In its place is lots of love, laughter and joy.

I learned a lot of important things in the last year. Namely, no one is perfect including me. I had to learn to let go. To let myself make mistakes. To not be 100% all the time. It took time and sometimes I still have to work on this.

I learned to give myself space and to give my daughter space. We need to figure each other out. That it was okay that that took months. In fact it was normal that it took months. I learned to not be so hard on myself.

I learned that I do in fact have Mommy instincts and that I need to listen them. Who knew? I know now. If my gut is telling me something is up, then something is up. This took time. I had to be really connected to Kiya. We are connected. I know what this cry means or that scream or that grunt. We understand each other now. I don't scramble any more or run to the ER at 10:30pm for an ear infection. I have the tools to figure it out.

I think the most important thing I learned in this last year is that I LOVE being a mom. It is the hardest and most rewarding job I could ever have and I wouldn't change a thing. Being Kiya's Mom is nothing short of amazing.

I wasn't sure at one point in my life, if I ever wanted to have kids. That all changed when I met my husband. I knew then that we could be great parents yet until we were parents, I had no idea how we would do. Could we handle it? 1 year later I can confidently say yes. We can handle this parenting thing. We love this parenting thing with all the ups and downs and in betweens.

And most importantly we love Kiya. She is our sunshine.

Family Day 2010

Here are some photos from our first Family/Kiya Day :)

We had hoped for warmer weather but we survived. We went to the Farmer's Market in the morning, spent the afternoon as a family hanging out and then went to dinner at a local Ethiopian restaurant.

Kiya and Daddy

Kiya and Mommy. Kiya of course is being super silly.
Family photo...it was dangerously close to bedtime at this point.
Eating the carrots from my dorowat.
Kiya being super silly Kiya. This picture really sums up her personality she is just so full of life and LOVES to laugh.

It was a great day over all. After we returned home and settled Kiya in her pajamas, we took some time to light our family candle. It has two wicks, one for our family here and one for our extended family in Ethiopia. We then sat down with Kiya and went through the picture book I made of our trip to Ethiopia. In the book is a picture of us with Zinash. We told her all about her Mom. I know she won't remember what we said but we plan to do this every year. As she gets older we will watch her lifebook DVD with her as well. I know that as we discuss her story when she is older there will be questions. Questions we are still working on the answers too but we will get there.

In addition we also made a donation to AHOPE. We will make a donation every year on Family Day. As Kiya gets older we will allow her to decide which charity she would like to donate to.

I am looking forward to many more Kiya days in the coming years.

Now

And here we are 1 year later. Can you believe it? I know I can't. Here are some recent pictures of the love of my life




So on Friday, May 8, 2009 sometime in the mid morning, we were anxiously waiting at the bottom of the staircase at the care center in Addis Ababa. We were waiting for our social worker to call our name. We were called second. We climbed 4 flights of stairs with a camera in our face. We got to the top, turned left and walked into the room and there she was in the flower hat and all on the floor doing tummy time. Kiya being Kiya spit up first and after that was cleaned up, our social worker handed me my daughter. My world forever changed a million times over in that second.

She just fit. She fit perfectly in my arms. She was total perfection. Life couldn't have gotten any better. We were united forever as a family. May 8th will always be Family Day or Kiya Day. We will say a prayer, light our family candle and spend the day together as a family.

So now my baby girl is a full blown toddler. She has a big, fabulous and spunky personality. She loves to laugh and to make you laugh. She gives hands down the best hugs ever. She will crawl on over and grab the back of your legs and hug you or she will rest her head on your shoulder and pat your back. She sucks her fingers for security, always has, but yet a year later she sure sucks them a lot less. She is an active sleeper and a great sleeper. She is a fabulous eater yet picky like most toddlers. She is sweet and sassy, adventurous and adorable, fun loving and silly. She is the light of my life and I cherish every day with her.

So 1 year later, Kiya has gone from our little peanut to our budding toddler. She has gained 11 plus lbs and has grown almost 9 inches.

This last year has been nothing short of amazing. It has been so incredible to watch Kiya emerge from the shell she was once in. We know her and she knows us. We have bonded. We are attached. We still have work to do. That said life is good. Really good. We are truly blessed.

Then

A journey down memory lane of our first few days with our Peanut.

I can't get over just how tiny she was yet still so full of life. Those little hands that were in a fist much more than they should have been. Those little lips that held such a sweet smile. Those 5 little puffs in her hair. She was wearing 0-3 month clothes and couldn't grasp a toy in her hand. She was about 12lbs and 23.5 inches long and 5 1/2 months old. She didn't fit in the Ergo she was too tiny.

We could tell she was scared and nervous and those fingers were never far from her mouth. She was a very serious child while we were in Ethiopia. We were new, she was just warming up to us. She wasn't a fan of being held for too long and boy if she wasn't fed fast enough she was going to let you know. She loved her baths from day 1 and only graced us with a handful of blowout diapers. Our last blow out diaper was the day we returned home from Ethiopia in the Detroit airport. (Yes I am knocking on wood).

She was a tiny piece of perfection. Just looking at us with those big, intelligent eyes. We were hers and she was ours and we were finally together.

Here

On this day last year we were on our way to the airport. We were going to Ethiopia. We were coming home parents. I am still in shock that it has been a whole year since we made that 23 hour journey half way around the world.

I heard this song on the radio the other day and I cried when I heard the chorus. It is a Rascal Flatts song, called "Here"

"And I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here"

My journey to motherhood was not easy. It was a long and winding road, but I am here and happier than ever.

In reality, as hard as the infertility was and as hard as losing the twins was, I know in my heart I had to go through those things to get me where I am today. There was a greater plan involved here. At the times that my heart was breaking I didn't get it. I was angry. I was hurt. I was confused.

Now I get it. I was meant to be Kiya's mom. No one ever said life was easy and I can attest to that. I survived 6 plus years of heartbreak and tears to get to my baby girl.

I can't believe I am about to write this but I would do it all again. All the tears, the years, the pain, the heart break, the stumbled steps just because I know it all leads to me being Kiya's mom and that is the best job in the world.

So in a weird way, I am thankful for the past. I learned a lot and I became a lot stronger. I knew that if I could handle everything life had thrown at me than I was more than ready to be a mom.

I am truly and eternally grateful for everything that has gotten me here. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else..okay except maybe Ethiopia. I am here. I am a Mom and I am blessed. Life is good.

Bring on the memories and the tears

This week is EMOTIONAL for me. Last year at this time we were gearing up for a 23 hour plane ride that would forever change my life and in some ways change me as a person.

Our very first Family Day is Saturday. I am in shock that it has been a year. Sunday is Mother's Day...that is a LOADED day for me and deserves its own post later in the week.

My heart belongs in Ethiopia. It always will. I miss Ethiopia every day and this week just brings it even more to the forefront.

I know I will be crying a lot this week. Maybe not for everyone else to see but there is just so much swirling around my head and in my heart. These tears are tears of joy, tears of remembrance and tears of sadness.

This week on blog will be reflections of a year ago and hopes for future years with a few pictures of the every adorable and loving girl that I am proud to call my daughter.

Kiya's weekend adventures part 1

We took Kiya to Wisconsin Dells this weekend to hang out with some very dear friends. This was her first trip to a waterpark. We knew she loved water given the crazy splashing and giggles that are bath time but we weren't sure how she would do. Here are some pictures. SHE LOVED IT! She was so brave and had so much fun.

The wave pool was hands down her favorite part and thus where we spent most of our time. She wasn't afraid at all. The more the waves hit her the more she smiled and laughed.

She wanted to walk in the waves. She pretty much insisted on it. She wanted to go farther and farther in.


We didn't get any pictures but she also loved the small water slides. Dave would bring her up to the top and I would catch her at the bottom. A couple of times her head would go part of the way underwater and I thought she would get scared but boy was I wrong. She thought it was great. We tried the Lazy River and she hated that. Not enough excitement for her I guess :)

Kiya had a fabulous weekend overall. She slept pretty well, ate pretty well and was in generally a good mood most of the time. A little quiet at times in bigger groups but you could tell she was having fun. One thing is for sure, it appears that we have a little dare devil on our hands.

On a personal note, I had a BLAST being a Mom this weekend. There was nothing better than watching the pure joy and smiles and laughs. It melted my heart. I just loved it. The whole weekend was wonderful. Traveling with a toddler can be tricky and in the past we have had our moments but Kiya was just the sweetest, silliest and best kid ever this weekend. Of course we always think she is the best kid ever :)

Stay tuned for video....pending me being able to figure it out :)

16 months old

Well my little Peanut is 16 months old today and has an attitude far beyond this age. She is so spunky and so silly and overall a joy yet if she doesn't get her way wow just wow.

Take church this weekend. She had napped well that day, ate a snack so we figured all would be well minus the fact that she is still working on her molars and the 4 other teeth coming in of course. It was Palm Sunday. Kiya immediately latched on to a palm frond and would not let go. We have learned to pick our battles with her and given our location this wasn't a battle we were going to pick.

Mass starts off well, Kiya is maintaining her death grip on the palm frond and being quiet. YEAH! Well, she starts to wave the frond around and hits the man in front of us in the back of the head. He was nice about it but we felt terrible. Kiya and Dave took a break to walk around after this.

Then it is time for communion, we are standing in line and as we are walking past the baptismal fountain, Kiya calls out "ball" as it is round. She must have then noticed that there was water and immediately started pointing and screaming the farther away we got. The kid loves water. Needless to say after this and a few other incidents, we left early.

But she is just as silly as she is spunky. Take her new found love of trying to get away from Mommy and Daddy. She can scoot pretty fast especially on the kitchen floor, crawling she is slower at but either way she has a new love for trying to avoid us, especially at bedtime. She will be in the kitchen and peek around the center island and if we make eye contact she just giggles and keeps on going. Where to? The bathroom down the hall of course. The place mommy and daddy don't want her to be. We keep the door closed now but she still tries to head on over there.

She is at such a great age right now. Learning new things to do, talking and her personality is really starting to shine. I love watching her flourish and grow and test her limits. She is one smart cookie and I am loving it even though she keeps me on my toes.

So dearest Kiya,

Know that no matter what, I will always love you. You can scream and kick in church, you can try avoiding your bedtime, you can throw you sippy cup at the dogs and it won't change how I feel about you. You are the light of my life and while I may be upset with you about your behavior, know that it is your behavior and not you. You will always be my little peanut and I love watching you learn and discover new things. I especially love hearing your sweet sweet voice and your "dada" song. So to you my daughter I say go and explore and learn and discover, just stay out of the dog's water dish. :)

Married with Children

Okay I have tried to write this particular post three times and have started and deleted it each time. I have something to say. I just can't figure out how to say it and to be honest I know some of my readers personally as in they are family and well that just changes things sometimes. Don't get me wrong my family is great but sometimes I just have something to say and I don't want all the questions or looks or uncomfortableness. Maybe I need to start another blog....not sure.

The other part of me says that this is my blog and let the judgement begin if you so choose. I will write what I want and not worry about the rest.

Well here it goes.

My husband and I have been together for almost 14 years. Wow. We met in college thanks to a mutual friend. Except for 2 weeks right after we met when my hubby had to pause and figure things out we have done almost everything together and if we couldn't then we spent lots of time on the phone talking about it since for one summer we lived in two different states. We knew within months of dating that we would get married.

After college we did just that. We spent the next 3-4 years in wedded bliss. Things were truly wonderful and it was smooth sailing. We got a dog, we had jobs we enjoyed, we were living among friends in sunny CA, we were living it up and it was awesome.

Fast forward to the year. The year that things started to change. We now lived in WI and we had 2 dogs, an okay apartment, jobs that we both still have yet we felt something was missing. The answer was children. We had always talked about children and when we got married we decided to wait. We were so young. I am glad we waited. We weren't ready but now in 2003 we were. Let's do it. Let's start trying to have a baby. Yeah well as some of you may know that was easier said than done. It brought about 18 months of frantic am or am I not pregnant followed by another 18 months of doctors, needles, surgery, tests, more tests, more needles and more money being flushed down the toilet. It was AWFUL.

Not only because we weren't having any luck at the whole making a baby thing but it was the first time in our married life that we has hit some serious rough waters. There were more tears in those 3 years than I care to recall. It was a very trying period in our lives together. Peace finally settled in when we decided enough was enough time for Plan B. We were going to adopt. Finally our dreams of parenthood would become a reality.

In 2007 we thought we were going to be parents. It almost happened. We were literally days away from being parents to beautiful twin girls. It didn't happen and to date 2007 was the worst year of our lives. Talk about rough waters. Towards the end of that dreaded year we found some calm waters again. We fell in love with Ethiopia. We just knew our first child would be from this beautiful country.

Well we were right. We are the proud parents of a beautiful Ethiopian princess. Life should be great right? Our dreams came true right? Well yes and no. We are both so in love with our daughter. She is the light of our lives. Marriage is tough by itself but when you add children into the mix it gets even tougher. Who knew? We sure didn't. Maybe we should have but we didn't.

I am fortunate to have a husband who is hands on with raising our daughter. He will change dirty diapers, clean up puke at 2am, read books to her over and over, etc. We get the parent thing most days or at least we think we do but we don't have the supportive partner thing down. We are working on it. It isn't easy but we love each other and we love our daughter and we will figure it out. We are taking baby steps to try and better understand each other and our new married life. Parenthood changes everything. Sometimes those changes can cause some unrest. Yet we both know that parenthood is the best job on the planet. I mean have you seen our daughter?? She is truly the greatest gift and she deserves our very best at all times.

The infertility, the failed domestic adoption, the craziness that is parenthood have left scars. Some are deep, painful scars that are fading yet can still rear their ugly head at times. Other scars bring about tears of joy and remembrance as without those scars, as painful as they may have been, they have led us to our life as a family of 3 and hopefully someday family of 4.

All in all I think we have managed to weather the storm fairly well. We have had good days and bad days and really good days and really bad days. We are striving for balance. We have realized that while we aren't always on the same page, we at least need to be reading the same book. So far the book is pretty good and I am looking forward to the next chapters.

Amazing Artwork

You all need to check out this beautiful artwork! I just love it and she donates a portion of her profits to Kolfe Youth Orphanage in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.

http://jqueenan.blogspot.com/2010/01/last-chance-to-enter-big-art-give-away.html

She also has a great etsy shop located here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/jqueenan

Unanswered Prayers

I heard one of my favorite songs on the radio yesterday on the way to pick Kiya up from daycare, Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers".


Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because He doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

I have always loved this song and while we waited for Kiya I would hear it and cry because it is so very true. I prayed for days, months, years even that we would be blessed and get pregnant and it never happened. At times I was very bitter about this but remained convinced that we were meant to have children some way some how and I just needed to pray more.

I look at Kiya and I am so grateful that my prayers didn't come true. I am over the idea that I will ever get pregnant, it isn't even on my radar anymore. Not saying if in the unlikely case it did happen I wouldn't be thrilled it just isn't a priority for me. My unanswered prayers really did give me the greatest gift. I couldn't imagine a more wonderful child, tantrums and all.

She is everything I dreamed of and yet so much more. She is my perfect little gift. God knew what He was doing when He lead us to adoption and more so to Kiya. For awhile I was so angry and frustrated and sad that my prayers weren't being answered. Trying to get pregnant was the BIGGEST test to my faith. I admittedly was very mad at God and kind of tuned out for awhile.

I am glad I found my way back. God didn't let me down. He had bigger and better things on the agenda for me and I just wasn't patient enough. Now I see. I see the bigger picture and I thank God every day for my unanswered prayers. Because of those unanswered prayers I get to be a mom to the most amazing kid I know and there is nothing better than that.