Done

I have just finished reading "There is no me without you." Wow.... This book touched a place in me that I didn't know existed. The courageous story of a simple woman out to care for the orphaned children of Ethiopia some with HIV and some without. The struggles both personal and professional and her strength and sometimes her weakness really touched a soft spot in my soul.

I have learned so much about the birth place of my daughter. Everything from how to correctly pronounce Addis (ah-deece) Ababa (a-bah bah) to the inner struggles to live day to day with nothing and sometimes there really was nothing. This place was such a mystery to me and much of it always will be yet I felt that by reading this book, I got to look at a small slice of the mystery. To read about the heartbreaking separation of children from their families was unbelievably moving. To read about the struggles of young mothers and fathers trying desperately to raise their families. To read about how AIDS nearly devastated the entire country and if it weren't for a brave few I am not sure what Ethiopia would look like right now. Needless to say I cried at many points throughout this book.

I cried out of frustration with the system. I cried for the children and their parents. I cried for the adoptive parents and their faith and belief that everything will be okay. I cried sometimes out of sheer anger. Anger that there wasn't a simple solution; that we couldn't wave a magic wand and make the heartache, the desperation, death all go away. I cried as the newly American children relived their grief and remembered their life in Ethiopia. I cried because it so important that my daughter knows Ethiopia and knows the beauty of her homeland and her culture. I cried for my daughter. She will not remember Ethiopia. She will know only the things we share with her and then when we take her to see it for herself, I can only hope the she realizes we tried to do right by Ethiopia.

I am really glad that I took the time to read this book. I fully understand why it is on every Adoptive Parents 'must read' list. I am not sure I have processed all of this book yet. There are many questions in my head and I am sure some of the answers are out there and some may not be.

I am on a mission. While we are in Ethiopia, I am going to write down everything and anything I can no matter how trivial it may seem. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the weather, the signs, everything. I am there to learn and soak up as much as I can so I can pass that on to my daughter. I always knew that I wanted to do that but somehow this book reinforced the importance of that. Reading about the newly adopted children and their new families gave me a little perspective.

This is so much bigger than me having a daughter. I am adding a daughter yes but also her birth family into my heart. I hope I am blessed enough to meet someone in Peanut's birth family. I want to tell them that we will love her with all our hearts and promise them that she will know Ethiopia. That we are not 2 separate families anymore but we are joined as one because of the love we share for Peanut. I realize this may not happen but for now I need to hold on to that. I will deal with that loss if I must when the time comes and I will find a way to explain all of this to Peanut when she is old enough.

36 days....

Hi my name is Cathy and I have an addiction. An addiction to countdowns. I can't stop. I need help. I may be beyond help not sure but admitting it is the first step right??

So since I am fully embracing my love/obsession with countdowns we are 36 days away from our court date. The date that will legally change my life. The day a judge in Ethiopia makes us officially Peanut's parents. Don't get me wrong, we already feel like Peanut's parents in our hearts, we just need the paperwork to catch up.

These next 5 weeks will be interesting. I plan on taking a friend up on her offer to get together soon. Thank goodness I have lots of people in my life that get how hard this waiting can be.

This weekend, I have planned a Mom's Night Out event at the local Ethiopian restaurant. I have made reservations and we are all set. It started as a Mom's Night but now is more of a couples, friends and Mom's night. So Dave and I are going to get to meet a bunch of other families that live near us that are in various stages of adopting from Ethiopia. I can't wait!

Some of the people I know from our agency aren't going to be able to make it and I am bummed that I won't get to meet some of them in person. I know we will meet soon. I am excited to meet new people. I am a people person. And even better that these new people will have been where I am now or will be there shortly. We have an instant connection and a common love for everything Ethiopian. Who knows, maybe I will meet some playmates for Peanut...

Keeping Busy

I am tyring to keep myself busy so I don't count the days until our court date (38) all the time. February has been a good distraction with lots of plans on the weekends but my days off are what is tough.

I really have no desire to keep cleaning closets and organizing stuff yet that is the stuff that needs to get done. So what did I do today??? Nope didn't clean any closets...

I ordered copies of my birth certificate, copies of our marriage licence and copies of Dave's birth certificate. Now why did I do this...Well we know that we are going to adopt again and most likely again after that (Yes if you are the counting type, we would LOVE to have 3 children).
And me not knowing what I was doing the first time around didn't order enough copies of vital records so I figured why not order them now and then when we can start filling out paperwork again I won't have to wait for those. Yeah! Just wish I would have thought about this the first time. Getting vital records from CA is a process.

Other than that I am ordering new blinds for the back of our house. You see we only did the front of the house and just hung cheap curtains in the other windows and those just don't keep the light out of a sleeping babies room.

I am also going to schedule carpet cleaning for sometime in the next 2 months that way all the carpets will be clean for Peanut's arrival. I will most likely jump back on the cleaning/organizing wagon soon. I want to clean out the pantry, finish the office which I haven't gotten back to since referral day and plan a list of food to cook in advance and freeze for when we are first home with Peanut.

So I definitely have things to do but it is just so hard to put down a good book. Yes, still reading "There is no me without you". My heart just aches for these children and yet I am inspired by the kindness of some and shocked by the greed of others. Still pondering all of this and my what my role could be to do more...

Great Day!

I am so happy today to report that lots of families with our agency passed court and are that much closer to be united with their children. It was so great to hear their news and to see the faces of some incredibly adorable children. I literally cried tears of joy for them.

Then when I thought it was already a great day it got even better. A family that had been originally assigned a January court date and then had their case rescheduled until March made it through court today. How awesome!

January was a rough month. It was really hard to see lots of forum buddies face delays in getting to their children. Those of us still waiting for court dates were on pins and needles. Today was the first big group of families with a court date. Those families getting through would give us some hope that we too could pass court on the first try.

Our court date is 6 weeks away and I can't stop thinking about it. That is the day that a judge in Ethiopia could make us officially Peanut's parents. 6 weeks. I can't believe it. We are getting so close to being able to hold Peanut in our arms. If you are the praying type, please pray for all the families in their various stages of the adoption process, pray that we all see success in court on the first try and pray for Peanut and all of her little friends at the Care Center.

We hope to get an update on Peanut and how she is doing the first week of March. I know she is being well taken care of and I can't wait to see how much she has grown in a month.

A couple random updates

Preschool: I appreciate everyone's advice. A friend of the family gave me a lot of helpful info about the preschool we would like Peanut to go to and how we don't register for that until March of the year she is eligible. And we know that if we weren't to make it in to the 3 year program she could just go to preschool at her daycare. They have a curriculum that includes, math, writing, Spanish, art and more so that would be fine too and then we could go for the 4 year old program at the school we would like her to attend the next year. Huge sigh of relief that I can enjoy Peanut being a baby and not have to worry about this just yet.

Adoption Process: We got word today that our approval paperwork has arrived at the US Embassy in Addis Ababa. YEAH! That is a big relief to know that it is there and that we don't have to go tracking it down. Our fingerprints expire on May 2oth so if all goes well we won't need to worry about being back in the country before the expire. However, we can apply for our one time free refingerprinting in March and I plan on doing it. We have to send a letter to our CIS office with a copy of our I-171H form and they will schedule an appointment for us. Hopefully we will be back home with our sweet baby girl before May 20th but since so much is out of our control and unexpected things come up I would rather be safe and do it then delayed and frustrated.

Reading: Not sure why I haven't picked it up until now but today I started reading "There is No Me Without You" by Melissa Faye Green. I am really just trying to process it all. I literally just picked it up a few hours ago and have read 100 pages so far. It has made me think and long to see with my own eyes the place of my child's birth. I long to do more, to do my part yet I don't know what that looks like right now. I am anxious to keep reading and learning. I am curious what my heart will tell me. Maybe sponsor a child...not sure. More thinking to do here.

Preschool???

Okay after yesterday, I really did start to think about preschool. Now keep in mind Peanut won't be eligible for 3 year old preschool until 2012 as she has a late birthday. I put up a status message on facebook yesterday and was floored by some of the things I learned.

One of my friends reported that she signed her daughter up for preschool while still pregnant. Another put her daughter on the wait list for a preschool when she was 9 months old. The i have another friend who hasn't even looked into daycare yet.

Do I have to start thinking about that already? I don't even really know my daughter and yet I am planning her future.

The preschool that we are most interested in only has 20 kids in the 3 year old room so it might be quite tough to get her in there. So I will try for sure but will need to have a back up plan.

For those that have been there done that, when should I really start actively looking at preschools? I was thinking I would start at 18 months but now think that might be too late. This is all so crazy to me that we need to plan this far ahead just to get our children into a good school.

Daycare

So I toured the daycare facility that we are looking at sending Peanut to for 2 days a week. My gracious in laws will watch her 2 days and then I have a day off during the week so 2 days was all we needed. First off it is VERY challenging to find part time daycare for a child under the age of 2 so my options were limited. This particular daycare had a good reputation and my neighbor sends both of her girls there and will send her third there as well. Now keep in mind that I loved that I had to look for a daycare but hated it at the same time.

The staff was very friendly when I arrived. The place was clean and well kept. They have security cameras around the perimeter and in each room so everything is monitored. If Peanut does something while we aren't there like take a step or roll over and we want to see it all we have to do is ask. I thought that was pretty neat. All the doors require a 4 digit code to get in and the doors of all the rooms have alarms on them so if a child is trying to escape staff will hear it. All the play yards are fenced in and it is far from any street really which is nice.

The director showed me around the rooms and introduced me to the staff. Lot's of sleeping babies while I was there. The caregiver to child ratio is 4 infants to 1 staff member and then there are floaters that go between rooms when needed and 5 additional administrative staff on hand in case there is chaos which I was assured has never happened.

The walls are all brightly colored and there were lots of toys and interactive activities in each room. There is a curriculum even for the infants. They have different developmental things they work on each day and that curriculum gets more intense as the children get older.

I was assured that the staff would follow whatever schedule we have Peanut on in terms of naps and food. We will provide them with a crib sheet, bottles, diapers, wipes and anything else she will need. The staff will also write up a daily sheet about what Peanut was doing that day to go home with us.

Overall I really liked the place. I could see us taking Peanut there and being happy with our choice. So when I asked when we would need to make a commitment to hold our spot for August, I was told the sooner the better. Wow! Who knew I had to plan that far in advance. Well, I took a leap of faith today and registered Peanut for daycare staring in August. I paid the registration fee and first month to hold our spot. I am still a little shell shocked that I had to sign my baby girl up for daycare and I haven't even met her yet. I guess before you know it I will be evaluating preschools and getting her signed up for that too.

Quiet...

Sorry I have been quiet lately just not a lot going on. Got tired of blogging about my spending sprees on adorable clothes for Peanut. I fully admit I have a problem when it comes to shopping for baby clothes.

Not much is going on. We are just waiting. Waiting for the days to pass and hopefully quickly. We won't get new measurements for Peanut for another couple of weeks and our court date is about a month and a half away.

We are starting to think about donations that we will be bringing with us when we do get to travel. We hope to bring one or two big suitcases full of much needed items.

We also decided that we probably won't be able to go to the CHS sponsored picnic in Minneapolis this year. They just informed everyone that the date is June 20th and if all goes well we will only be home about a month. As much as I would LOVE to go and meet everyone I have 'met' online, it is just too soon to be making an overnight journey out of town. Things could change but I just want to make sure we are all settled as a new family before we go to big events like that. I want Peanut to be settled with us. I want to make sure we are all healthy and not fighting off bugs that may have hitched a ride back with us. If we lived closer and could go home if it was all too much then maybe... I guess we may have to wait until next year.

A bunch of families have court dates at the end of the week so I will be busy saying prayers that they all receive great news before weeks end and don't have to wait over the weekend not knowing. Hopefully, they get to travel real soon to be united with their little ones.

Tomorrow, I am taking a tour of a daycare facility here in town. I only need daycare 2 days a week come August and this is one of the few places that offers that as an option. My neighbors send their 2 children their now and recommend it so hopefully it will all work out.

Spontaneous Bursts of Tears

I cry. I have always cried. I have tried to at times hide the fact that I cry a lot but I am okay with it now. I cry at TV shows, commercials for the ASPCA, movies, books you name it and it could make me cry. I am kind of a sap. I cannot watch one full episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition without crying at least 2 or 3 times.

I cry for joyful reasons too. I cried on an off the day we got our referral for Peanut. There are times when I think about her and I smile and shed a tear. Tears of joy for my baby girl. I cried on Tuesday when I thought about how great my husband's birthday would be next year with Peanut in our lives.

Well, I think my dear husband thinks I am nuts most of the time when I cry at things. In fact the other night, we were doing our thing watching TV and a commercial came of for Disney World. I have never been to Disney World. I have been to Disneyland but I hear they are very different. Anyway, I was staring at the pictures of Peanut and I just started to cry.

I was picturing taking Peanut to Disney World and I just cried. Tears of joy. To see her face light up. The amazement and wonder of it all. I know silly but I couldn't help it. I think about Peanut often. I miss her and I dream of what our lives will be like together. I am anxiously counting the days, weeks and yes still months until we can be together. I know it will be soon but I just want to hold that sweet baby girl in my arms. To make her dreams come true whether she wants to kick around a soccer ball in the yard or play dress up with her dolls or both.

Peanut, know that we love you and think about you every second of every day. I get lost in thought when I stare at your beautiful face. Soon. Soon we can explore and dream and cry together.

Really??

Why is it that when people hear we are adopting from Ethiopia, they have to have an opinion?

Really?? Is our path to a family any of your business? Apparently some people think so.

Inappropriate questions aside, I have gotten unsolicited parenting advice, book recommendations, therapist suggestions, and more. Really???

Don't get me wrong, I love it when someone who has been there done that has some wise words. I even seek out these people for advice but when the advice is coming from people I barely know and from people who don't even have kids. Ick. I mean who suggests a therapist to someone when they are sharing news of their new daughter??? You see we might need help as this is a big deal and our daughter might have issues so best to be prepared. You see they just saw that AWFUL 20/20 about a difficult Russian adoption where the parents actually stated they thought about sending their daughter back to Russia. That we are brave people for tackling international adoption especially from a place like Ethiopia. (Insert here a string of inappropriate questions already discussed a few posts ago). I mean this woman didn't even say Congratulations first, just "oh I know someone who can help you, my friend is a family therapist."

Take the woman at the bank who notarized our vaccine waiver form. Wow, we got a lot of opinions from her. How we should really think long and hard about when and whether to vaccinate our children and we better make sure that we have BPA free plastic bottles and how we should find a way to bring glass bottles with us to Ethiopia. And wow, that we are so great for adopting this child who has nothing and on and on. Really??? I just wanted my forms signed and notarized. I didn't ask for nor want the commentary. You see she just had a baby and was telling us all about how much her life has changed and how we better be prepared and how things will never be the same.

I really wanted to say, DUH! We actively sought out adding children to our family. Do you think we didn't welcome the life changes?

Do people really think we didn't do our homework? That we didn't actively research Ethiopia and continue to learn more about it every day? We are more than ready to accept our daughter, Ethiopia and it's culture and rich history into our daily lives. We have done our homework. We know what we are doing and couldn't be happier about it. I just wish people's first instinct would be joy. We are thrilled and love to share our news but didn't expect all the opinions.

Sorry I just had to vent. I am sure these women had good intentions but it was still rather annoying. They don't know anything about us yet felt it was okay to insert their opinions into our parenting. I am all for discussing parenting with friends and family but not complete strangers.

Happy Birthday!

Today, 30 some years ago my husband was born :) He isn't super happy about being a year older but he is super excited that he is getting closer to being a dad. I don't talk a lot about my husband on this blog just every once in awhile. Well today this post is for my husband, to wish him Happy Birthday and for Peanut, so that some day she can learn a little bit more about her Dad.

So here it goes Peanut, things you will hopefully learn about your Dad and what makes him truly amazing.

1) He is going to be the best Dad. He is so excited even though he doesn't always show it, he is.

2) He won't admit it but he loves that I buy way too many adorable clothes for you.

3) He has tolerated my craziness in this adoption process fairly well. He is extremely laid back which when it comes to waiting to bring you home is a God send.

4) He is already wrapped around your little finger. I have no doubt that he would move Heaven and Earth for you. All he has to do is look at your sweet face.

5) He can't wait to take you to your first Brewers baseball game.

6) He will encourage you to follow your dreams and to be yourself. He will teach you to ride a bike, drive a car and I bet he would even play tea party and dress up with you if you ask.

7) He gives great hugs and has a good shoulder to cry on.

8) He most definitely will help you with your homework especially the math and science parts.

9) He will clean up your messes and probably help you make a few of them too.

10) He is excited that this is his last birthday without you here to celebrate with him. I know he is looking forward to the handmade cards and art projects and the hugs and kisses.

Your Dad is pretty special, Peanut. I can't wait for you to meet him and see how wonderful he really is and how much he loves you.

I know I can't wait to see my sweet husband interacting with his baby girl. It brings tears to my eyes just picturing it. So Happy Birthday dear husband and enjoy this last birthday knowing next year Peanut will be here to celebrate with us and maybe even steal a piece of birthday cake :).

Wow...

That really is the only word I can use to describe the last year. So much has happened and so much more will happen. The journey through the adoption process has definitely not been easy but I have learned a tremendous amount about myself, Ethiopia, international adoption, ethics,patience, friendship, blogging and so much more.

I know I have said this before but I never dreamed how much my life would change forever when we started this process. I had no idea that not only would a daughter be joining my family but that I would be fortunate enough to meet some amazing and inspiring people.

The people that just get it. The ones we can sit and have coffee with for 3 hours ( I did that with this person this weekend.) The ones that understand the guilty feelings, the why is this happening, the frustration, the lack of answers, the fact that we may never have all the answers. The people who get adoption and especially international adoption and want to talk about the process, ethics, the country, the culture, how to be a good parent in a transracial home, how to make sure our children know who they are.

The people that have been there and done that or are going through the journey with you. Sure, I will admit when I started this blog, I became a blog stalker. I found blogs for other people with our agency that had dossier dates close to ours and just started reading. From there I found other blogs and wow I have learned a great deal as a result.

The best advice someone once posted on the forum was to not do this alone. To find people close to you on the list and start dealing with the wait, the anxiety, the guilt and all the other emotions that come with international adoption together. I am so glad that I took that advice and now I have these amazing women in my life that sit and have coffee with me, respond to my panicky emails, will be (hopefully) my travel buddy, let me know my daughter sucks her thumb and just offer a hug even if it is virtual when I am having or had a bad day or celebrate my joy with me. I will be eternally grateful to all of these people and hope to pay it forward when I can.

In Peanut news: Well not much new. We have confidence that she is doing well and that she has a full head of soft, curly hair. We also just learned that she has quite the set of lungs on her and if she needs to cry that rest assured we will hear her. I can't wait to meet this sweet little girl and hear that cry for myself. Other than that we are just waiting (again). I do have some more paperwork to do that I haven't really looked at yet but not much else until our court date.

Great read!

I am blogging from work as we have no Internet at our house right now. Yesterday one of my blogging buddies had a guest blogger Rebecca Haile author of the book "Held at a Distance."

Here is the link to her blog: http://theeyesofmyeyesareopened.blogspot.com/

It is definitely worth reading and reflecting upon. I have yet to read her book but it is on my short list for sure. I am still thinking about that post and my role in raising my daughter to understand Ethiopia.

In Peanut news: We got a developmental check list for Peanut. We know just a little bit more about our sweet baby girl. We know that she squeals, is calmed by touch, can kick her legs while laying on her back, can bring her hands to her mouth, can track objects with her eyes, and a special someone told me she sucks her thumb. How cute! I hate that I can't see her doing all of these things but I have comfort in knowing that the nannies are amazing and that all of her needs are being met.

Shopping for baby stuff is fun!

So I just had to go to Target yesterday and well here is part of what happened :)

Baby Hangers:

I can't help myself. It is all just so cute. I also picked out some gifts for some dear friends as well. It was a blast :)

Today I had my first real Mom freak out. It was minor and some smart women I know told me to take a deep breath and relax. They are right. We sent Peanut's growth updates to the doctor and she said that Peanut is not on the charts for weight or head circumference and that she wished there had been a little more catching up. She also said it wasn't too worrisome so far and that we will see what next months numbers look like since the stress of a new environment takes a toll. Well, I didn't really read much of her email past not on the charts and more catching up. I freaked a little which I am told is very normal and I am also told that Peanut is doing great. Gaining is good. I also have to remember that I have it on good authority that she is doing quite well at the Care Center. I am glad I am using the doctor that I am as she tells it like it is but reading that at 6am with no coffee was probably not the best of ideas.

So very blessed

I feel really blessed. Not only do I have a beautiful baby girl waiting for me in Ethiopia but I have the wonderful support of friends and family as well. To top that off I have met some truly amazing people that have touched my lives along this journey to peanut. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would not only gain a family member but some amazing friends.

I was fortunate enough to have coffee with this person this morning. It is great to have a local Mom to chat with about ethics, adoption, babies and yes sometimes our husbands. It was a great way to start the day. I look forward to many more such occasions in the future.

I also received a special email from this person today. She is in Ethiopia right now and her email touched my heart. I am so grateful to her and can't wait to hear all about her trip and her little girl.

This weekend I will be meeting in person my Secret Pal. We are getting together for coffee and to chat.

Then there is this person. She has been my wait list buddy. We received our referrals days apart and accepted them on the same day. We both have an April 3rd court date and are hoping to be travel buddies. I have been so blessed to have her to complain to, freak out with and celebrate with. We haven't met in person yet but hopefully we will soon.

And to the rest of my blogging buddies listed to the right, THANKS! You all have been so supportive and insightful. I couldn't imagine going through this alone and it is nice to share this journey with people that get it. If you are ever in my neck of the words, I would love to have coffee with you as well. Notice a theme here....I think I have a problem. I love me some good coffee :) and some good company.

UPDATE: We just got baby girl's new measurements. She now weighs 7.2 lbs and is 20.6 inches long. She has gained over a pound and grown over an inch since last month. :)

Nursery pics :)

So I took some pictures of the nursery. It is is pretty much ready to go. We still have to unpack the single stroller and the pack n play but other than that we are mostly ready. This is a picture of the crib bedding.

These are some wall hangings that we still need to hang up but that doesn't take too long.

This is the bench that I just painted and then we put the pillows that match the crib bedding on it to make it look a little more cozy.

And this again is the mural. The only difference is that I painted a border around it in the same green I used to paint the bench which happens to be the same shade as the green in the crib bedding :)

Now that this project is just about done I have to find other things to do to pass the time. I do need to finish cleaning out the closet in the nursery but that isn't much. I guess it will be back to nesting projects that have yet to be finished. I pretty much dropped everything after we got our referral so the office is half clean and half disaster since that was the room I was cleaning when the phone rang. Well our court date is 2 months from tomorrow, not that I am counting. We are keeping our fingers and toes crossed that all goes well and we will be on that plane very soon.