Kiya will tell anyone that will listen that she is almost 5 and that her birthday is November 29th. She will also tell you who she wants to invite to her birthday party that has gone form princess tea party with girls only to something else that includes boys.
What I have observed is that for Kiya being almost 5 is proving to come with a HUGE learning curve. There is daily drama at school as to so and so said they won't be my friend anymore so now I am friends with this person, to this person pushed me or this person didn't listen to the teachers. I had no idea friendship drama was so intense in 4k. I believe there is a leader to the drama and thankfully it is not Kiya but alas she gets caught up in it. We stress thanks to her 3k teachers that we are friends with everyone and it is never okay to exclude anyone or make anyone feel bad. Hence we told her for her birthday party if she wants to invite only girls that is fine but it will be every girl in her class. If she wants to invite boys to then the whole class gets invited. Yes I realize I may be crazy as that could be up to 20 invites but no the party will not be at my house and I am sure some people won't come.
The other big challenge for Kiya is she is really starting to realize and comprehend that other kids can do things that she can't. This is frustrating for her. This weekend she went to a birthday party at a local kids gym that offers cheerleading and tumbling classes for kids. It was an open gym environment and there were lots of activities. That said trampolines are a huge no no for Kiya and there were a lot of those. We allow her to play in bounce houses and luckily there were a few of those but most of the kids formed a huge line at the big trampoline in the middle of the room. My heart broke. I saw the look on Kiya's face and she was obviously upset.
I immediately took off my shoes and gave her some options of things should could do. I even let her run across a tumble track and jump to me a few times and there was a small trampoline that was maybe 6 inches off the ground and I let her hold my hands and jump on that. She said she was having fun and then she would see someone do a cartwheel or forward roll or flip and say "I can't do that. I have a curvy back and a cast on." She even once said "I don't want a curvy back anymore. I just want to do things my friends do." Again heart breaking here.
The reality for Kiya is she will not be trying out for any gymnastics teams in her lifetime. We will have to see about cheerleading as if it is more dancing and some jumping then okay but none of the crazy acrobatic stuff.
To make things even more challenging add Katie into the mix. Katie has a ton of energy and loves to jump. We talked about maybe signing Katie up for gymnastics classes when she is 3. I mentioned this to Kiya and she got mad and said it wasn't fair. She is right it isn't but I struggle as a mom to two girls to find the right balance. To not make Kiya feel different but all the while encouraging Katie to find her favorite activities.
I guess Kiya and I both got smacked in the face with reality this weekend. She is different. She won't do some of the things her friends are doing and while I try to make modifications and help from the sidelines I get the stares and bombarded with the questions. Did she break her collar bone? What is wrong with her? Is the cast going to fix her? Surely you take it off at night and for baths? Luckily, the mom of the girl whose party it was stepped in and said she has seen Kiya in class and the cast obviously doesn't bother her and she does really great with it.
So what do we do now? Good question. I for sure don't have all the answers but I know I have a tough job ahead. I just hate that at almost 5 Kiya has to learn that life just isn't fair sometimes and we need to pull up our big girl panties and strive to find the things we can do instead of focusing on the ones that we out right can't or shouldn't do. That is a tough life lesson for most adults to comprehend. I am sure there will be tears and probably not just from her but that is our reality. I have Kiya who loves to sing, dance and swim so we are going to focus on those things with her. As for Katie, I have to support and be there for her too. She is still young and has no scheduled activities yet but I can't hold her back. We don't know if gymnastics is her thing or sports or art, who knows but whatever it is I will encourage her as well and help mend the broken pieces of Kiya's heart if it is in fact something she won't be able to do.
Wish me luck....things are going to get complicated.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
She said "milk"
It happened. Katie said milk. It took being home a year but she finally said milk. Prior to this it was always gilk. Or then it became "my almond gilk". We knew she could say the m sound as she was saying my, mommy, mama, mine, moo, etc. I joked with Kiya that the day Katie said milk we would have a party. Reality is she said it at bedtime so we did a little dance in the hallway and gave high fives all around.
I know this seems silly but to us it was just another sign of just how far Katie has come in the last year. She is really very smart and is adjusting well. Sure she has her two year old irrational moments but as her language has progressed those moments are not as often.
On top of saying milk she is also saying Mickey Mouse instead of the Gickey Bouse. Yet another little step in her language development. She is stringing more and more words together and it is easier to understand her. I have been told that she isn't that far behind children her age who grew up hearing English. Big sigh of relief.
As an adoptive parent especially of a toddler you feel this pressure to get them caught up to their peers all the while making sure the build a secure attachment to you as their parents. And then since we are talking about two year olds there is the debate of is it toddler related behavior or adoption related...or a combo of both.
For a long time Katie was sweet but reserved and sometimes angry. She had this little wall around herself to protect herself or so it seemed. She would only get so close and only show so much affection.
In the last couple of months, the wall has crumbled. She is so sweet and snuggly. She loves to give hugs and kisses and she genuinely seems really really happy. She seems to have really settled in and is enjoying life. At first she got really possessive of me. She started saying "my mommy" and making sure everyone around her knew it. She got a little clingy with me and was never far from my side. Almost like she was testing to make sure I wasn't going to leave.
Over this last year I have learned a lot about my sweet Katie Kat. She is smart and stubborn, silly and serious, a daredevil and cautious. She is for sure complex and has given me a run for my money but she is truly amazing.
Sure we are still trying to sort out her food issues. She has been gluten free since January and gluten and dairy free since April. Eliminating gluten seemed to help at first but then wasn't as much so we went dairy free and limited fruit. Things seemed maybe a little better and then they weren't again. We see a specialist next week to figure out what to do. We don't believe she has an allergy as we aren't seeing hives, eczema, trouble breathing, etc. but something is not sitting well with her.
It is hard to believe sometimes that this little girl found her way to our family. We started the process to adopt a second child in November of 2009. We left the Ethiopia program in March of 2011. July of 2011 we saw her sweet face in an email even after we thought for sure that we would be having a little boy. 6 days shy of the new adoption laws going in to effect in South Korea and we got our Emigration Permission. Finally after 13 plus months of waiting we brought our sweet girl home.
I have always been a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for everyone. So it may have taken three years, a program switch, a gender surprise and an efficient Korean ministry process, but our family was finally complete. She is a perfect fit. She is a little spark that just keeps on going. I couldn't imagine loving her anymore than I already do and I feel very blessed to be the mom to two wonderful and very different little girls.
I know this seems silly but to us it was just another sign of just how far Katie has come in the last year. She is really very smart and is adjusting well. Sure she has her two year old irrational moments but as her language has progressed those moments are not as often.
On top of saying milk she is also saying Mickey Mouse instead of the Gickey Bouse. Yet another little step in her language development. She is stringing more and more words together and it is easier to understand her. I have been told that she isn't that far behind children her age who grew up hearing English. Big sigh of relief.
As an adoptive parent especially of a toddler you feel this pressure to get them caught up to their peers all the while making sure the build a secure attachment to you as their parents. And then since we are talking about two year olds there is the debate of is it toddler related behavior or adoption related...or a combo of both.
For a long time Katie was sweet but reserved and sometimes angry. She had this little wall around herself to protect herself or so it seemed. She would only get so close and only show so much affection.
In the last couple of months, the wall has crumbled. She is so sweet and snuggly. She loves to give hugs and kisses and she genuinely seems really really happy. She seems to have really settled in and is enjoying life. At first she got really possessive of me. She started saying "my mommy" and making sure everyone around her knew it. She got a little clingy with me and was never far from my side. Almost like she was testing to make sure I wasn't going to leave.
Over this last year I have learned a lot about my sweet Katie Kat. She is smart and stubborn, silly and serious, a daredevil and cautious. She is for sure complex and has given me a run for my money but she is truly amazing.
Sure we are still trying to sort out her food issues. She has been gluten free since January and gluten and dairy free since April. Eliminating gluten seemed to help at first but then wasn't as much so we went dairy free and limited fruit. Things seemed maybe a little better and then they weren't again. We see a specialist next week to figure out what to do. We don't believe she has an allergy as we aren't seeing hives, eczema, trouble breathing, etc. but something is not sitting well with her.
It is hard to believe sometimes that this little girl found her way to our family. We started the process to adopt a second child in November of 2009. We left the Ethiopia program in March of 2011. July of 2011 we saw her sweet face in an email even after we thought for sure that we would be having a little boy. 6 days shy of the new adoption laws going in to effect in South Korea and we got our Emigration Permission. Finally after 13 plus months of waiting we brought our sweet girl home.
I have always been a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for everyone. So it may have taken three years, a program switch, a gender surprise and an efficient Korean ministry process, but our family was finally complete. She is a perfect fit. She is a little spark that just keeps on going. I couldn't imagine loving her anymore than I already do and I feel very blessed to be the mom to two wonderful and very different little girls.
Friday, September 6, 2013
A three year journey so far...
Three years ago we heard the words scoliosis, MRI and surgery for the first time. It was scary. In reality it still is sometimes. That said we all have come a long way in these last 3 years and while our journey on this curvy path is far from over we have all learned a lot.
I think the thing that has floored me the most is how much I can learn from my child. Kiya truly is remarkable and nothing will stop her. She is determined and willing and a fighter. She is still innocent and doesn't think about things like potential surgery or surgeries. She takes one cast, one brace at a time and just rolls with it.
This summer we worked with her doctor to have her in a brace so she could build muscle strength and well be a kid for the first time in a long time. We have her in weekly swim lessons and weekly physical therapy and we do daily therapy exercises. That said she is allowed to play in water and enjoy her summer. It is amazing to see. She is so happy. Yet she also knows that come September she will get cast number 11 and while it saddens me she is sure she wants a pink one and is ready to go.
I started this post 2 months ago...here is where we are today.
Kiya is sporting cast 11 and it is pink with a stripe of purple. She was a trooper on cast day. She took her medicine. She listened and cooperated for the trimming and taping. She hasn't complained once that her cast is back on. Not even last night when Katie was in the bath tub. The bath tub they shared all summer long. Sure she was pretty mad when she first woke up but mom, her pillow pet and some kit kat bars made that all better.
This cast day was smooth and I was blessed to have a dear dear friend come and sit with me. I needed the shoulder to cry on and the laughs and just to be with someone facing a complicated journey as well.
Kiya's curve got worse over the summer in her brace. Her curve measured 60 degrees out of cast and after her cast was on the curve measured at 30 degrees. This was not good news. We are basically back to the beginning only her spine isn't nearly as flexible as it used to be. In the 10 previous casts, her spine was being held at less than 20 degrees in the cast. Her doctor fears her spine is becoming stiff. He would like to do one or two more casts and then discuss growing rod surgery.
Reality is I knew this was coming. I have seen it coming for awhile but it always seemed so distant. It may not be so distant anymore. We just don't know. We are holding on to hope and prayer that God will allow her spine to hold even some little bit of correction. I don't want my 5 year old to have surgery, not yet.
For now we are going to continue physical therapy, she will get an hour and a half of therapy a week with the school district and then some exercises at home. She will also have a half hour dance class once a week. Cast 12 will go on in early December just after her 5th birthday likely. A trip to the Dells will definitely be a birthday present. We will see what the xrays show then and move forward with cast 13 or start looking at plan B.
Kiya is a shining star and model patient. She impressed everyone at hospital and impresses me daily. She still asks to do her exercises. She chose an extra half hour of therapy today with her therapist instead of going home. Nothing slows her down and she finds a way to make everything work and she does it with a smile. I know that no matter what be it cast, brace, surgery or all of the above she will come through with flying colors and with a huge smile. She is a truly remarkable and stellar kid.
One day at a time. Deep breaths. Lots of prayers. God has a plan. I may not get it and I may not think it is fair but I know with God and our friends standing by our side we will tackle whatever path we need to on this curvy road we are on.
I think the thing that has floored me the most is how much I can learn from my child. Kiya truly is remarkable and nothing will stop her. She is determined and willing and a fighter. She is still innocent and doesn't think about things like potential surgery or surgeries. She takes one cast, one brace at a time and just rolls with it.
This summer we worked with her doctor to have her in a brace so she could build muscle strength and well be a kid for the first time in a long time. We have her in weekly swim lessons and weekly physical therapy and we do daily therapy exercises. That said she is allowed to play in water and enjoy her summer. It is amazing to see. She is so happy. Yet she also knows that come September she will get cast number 11 and while it saddens me she is sure she wants a pink one and is ready to go.
I started this post 2 months ago...here is where we are today.
Kiya is sporting cast 11 and it is pink with a stripe of purple. She was a trooper on cast day. She took her medicine. She listened and cooperated for the trimming and taping. She hasn't complained once that her cast is back on. Not even last night when Katie was in the bath tub. The bath tub they shared all summer long. Sure she was pretty mad when she first woke up but mom, her pillow pet and some kit kat bars made that all better.
This cast day was smooth and I was blessed to have a dear dear friend come and sit with me. I needed the shoulder to cry on and the laughs and just to be with someone facing a complicated journey as well.
Kiya's curve got worse over the summer in her brace. Her curve measured 60 degrees out of cast and after her cast was on the curve measured at 30 degrees. This was not good news. We are basically back to the beginning only her spine isn't nearly as flexible as it used to be. In the 10 previous casts, her spine was being held at less than 20 degrees in the cast. Her doctor fears her spine is becoming stiff. He would like to do one or two more casts and then discuss growing rod surgery.
Reality is I knew this was coming. I have seen it coming for awhile but it always seemed so distant. It may not be so distant anymore. We just don't know. We are holding on to hope and prayer that God will allow her spine to hold even some little bit of correction. I don't want my 5 year old to have surgery, not yet.
For now we are going to continue physical therapy, she will get an hour and a half of therapy a week with the school district and then some exercises at home. She will also have a half hour dance class once a week. Cast 12 will go on in early December just after her 5th birthday likely. A trip to the Dells will definitely be a birthday present. We will see what the xrays show then and move forward with cast 13 or start looking at plan B.
Kiya is a shining star and model patient. She impressed everyone at hospital and impresses me daily. She still asks to do her exercises. She chose an extra half hour of therapy today with her therapist instead of going home. Nothing slows her down and she finds a way to make everything work and she does it with a smile. I know that no matter what be it cast, brace, surgery or all of the above she will come through with flying colors and with a huge smile. She is a truly remarkable and stellar kid.
One day at a time. Deep breaths. Lots of prayers. God has a plan. I may not get it and I may not think it is fair but I know with God and our friends standing by our side we will tackle whatever path we need to on this curvy road we are on.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Summer recap
I am going to try this whole blogging thing again. School starts on Monday so I am hoping to get a little time to myself.
This summer has been very very busy. We kicked it off with a family trip to Disney World. We met just about every princess at least once and both girls loved going on rides and dressing up in pretty dresses. Katie was a little young to understand it all but Kiya was in heaven. She can't wait to go back again.
Kiya was in a brace all summer so she got to take swim lessons for the first time. We opted for private lessons since she had zero core muscle strength and we wanted to make sure she wasn't left behind in a bigger group setting. The private lessons were a bit of a hassle as we had a flaky college student and then the aquatics director trying to fill in the gaps. Regardless of the hiccups, Kiya loved the lessons and went from not knowing how to swim or really even hold herself up in the water to being able to swim with her face in the water for half the length of the pool completely unassisted. We are so proud of her. She also spent the summer doing at first weekly and then every other week physical therapy sessions. She is so much stronger and her balance and coordination are vastly improved. We also did mini therapy sessions either in the pool or I turned the living room into a min therapy room. She worked really really hard. She also enjoyed running in the sprinklers, a picnic at Shriner's hospital, the Iowa State fair with her new BFF Paul, boat rides, Cornfest, and oh so much more. Her summer officially ends Sunday as she starts 4k bright and early Monday morning.
Katie has changed so much in these months of summer. She went from being not a fan of water to enjoying a splash park and little water slide. She is still refusing to potty train but we talk about it and hope someday soon preferably she will get it. Her language has just exploded. She is so expressive and silly and is speaking in small sentences. She points to everything and will tell you what it is. She is learning to count to 10 and is starting to grasp some colors. She loves to read books, play with her Lightening Mcqueen car and give hugs and kisses. She has officially been home for a year now. In the last 6 weeks or so it was like the little wall she had put up to protect herself came crumbling down. She is happy and funny and literally walks with a sass and bounce in her step. She is dancing through life and for awhile she seemed angry and not much for hugs and kisses. Even her hugs are different now. She gives big bear hugs or at least as big as a 2 1/2 year old can give. Katie goes to daycare three days a week and is really thriving. She is making friends and practicing writing her letters. She also enjoyed trips to the park and sometimes when she was in the mood the sprinklers.
As for me I sat back and watched my girls really become each others best friends. Sure they fight sometimes but they really do love being with each other. Katie plays in Kiya's room while I shower and at first I was nervous about this but they do great most of the time. Sometimes they have to work out their issues but they do and then hug. I also shuffled kids from one activity to another. We were in Chicago for a picnic at Shriner's. We went to Iowa to visit friends. Kiya and I went back to Chicago just this week.
The month of September is a busy one. It started with a new cast for Kiya but that is for another post. We have doctors appointments for both girls coming up, our new schedule with school now factored in, a few more baseball games, a football game, friends visiting and more. Whew. I am tired just thinking about it.
No promises I can motivate myself to keep this blog going but I have a lot on my mind.
This summer has been very very busy. We kicked it off with a family trip to Disney World. We met just about every princess at least once and both girls loved going on rides and dressing up in pretty dresses. Katie was a little young to understand it all but Kiya was in heaven. She can't wait to go back again.
Kiya was in a brace all summer so she got to take swim lessons for the first time. We opted for private lessons since she had zero core muscle strength and we wanted to make sure she wasn't left behind in a bigger group setting. The private lessons were a bit of a hassle as we had a flaky college student and then the aquatics director trying to fill in the gaps. Regardless of the hiccups, Kiya loved the lessons and went from not knowing how to swim or really even hold herself up in the water to being able to swim with her face in the water for half the length of the pool completely unassisted. We are so proud of her. She also spent the summer doing at first weekly and then every other week physical therapy sessions. She is so much stronger and her balance and coordination are vastly improved. We also did mini therapy sessions either in the pool or I turned the living room into a min therapy room. She worked really really hard. She also enjoyed running in the sprinklers, a picnic at Shriner's hospital, the Iowa State fair with her new BFF Paul, boat rides, Cornfest, and oh so much more. Her summer officially ends Sunday as she starts 4k bright and early Monday morning.
Katie has changed so much in these months of summer. She went from being not a fan of water to enjoying a splash park and little water slide. She is still refusing to potty train but we talk about it and hope someday soon preferably she will get it. Her language has just exploded. She is so expressive and silly and is speaking in small sentences. She points to everything and will tell you what it is. She is learning to count to 10 and is starting to grasp some colors. She loves to read books, play with her Lightening Mcqueen car and give hugs and kisses. She has officially been home for a year now. In the last 6 weeks or so it was like the little wall she had put up to protect herself came crumbling down. She is happy and funny and literally walks with a sass and bounce in her step. She is dancing through life and for awhile she seemed angry and not much for hugs and kisses. Even her hugs are different now. She gives big bear hugs or at least as big as a 2 1/2 year old can give. Katie goes to daycare three days a week and is really thriving. She is making friends and practicing writing her letters. She also enjoyed trips to the park and sometimes when she was in the mood the sprinklers.
As for me I sat back and watched my girls really become each others best friends. Sure they fight sometimes but they really do love being with each other. Katie plays in Kiya's room while I shower and at first I was nervous about this but they do great most of the time. Sometimes they have to work out their issues but they do and then hug. I also shuffled kids from one activity to another. We were in Chicago for a picnic at Shriner's. We went to Iowa to visit friends. Kiya and I went back to Chicago just this week.
The month of September is a busy one. It started with a new cast for Kiya but that is for another post. We have doctors appointments for both girls coming up, our new schedule with school now factored in, a few more baseball games, a football game, friends visiting and more. Whew. I am tired just thinking about it.
No promises I can motivate myself to keep this blog going but I have a lot on my mind.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Love vs. in love?
Love. I am blessed to have a lot of love in my life. I am going on 14 years of marriage and I have these amazing little girls that light up my life.
But here is the thing, I didn't fall in love with any of those wonderful people listed above overnight. It took time. Did I love them from the start, well yes but was I in love with them, no.
I have always felt that with my husband it was love at first sight. We just clicked. Was I really and truly in love with him from day one, no. It took us sometime to get to know each other and find our groove. The same goes for my children.
Kiya was this tiny little peanut when we first saw her picture. She was fragile and scared and a mere 6 weeks old. I knew I loved her when I saw her sweet face but I didn't have that deep down to my core love for her yet. Four months after we saw her face we headed to Ethiopia to pick her up. I kicked into survival mode. Yes I loved her but I still wasn't in love with her. I was worried about meeting her basic needs. I was in fake it until you make it mode.
We got home and I spent 14 weeks with Kiya before I had to go back to work. The day I dropped her off at daycare for the first time was the day it hit me like a brick in the face. This little girl was a part of me. She was mine and I was hers. We did it. We had bonded and I had fallen in love.
Katie was 4 months old when we saw her face. Again, I knew I loved her because I knew she was my daughter and moms love their daughters. That said we waited 13 months before we were able to actually hold her in our arms. We watched this baby grow up to be a toddler in pictures. It was easy to get disconnected. I had to. I couldn't focus on the wait. I had a full time job and we had Kiya to think about.
When we did meet Katie, I again went in to survival mode. And survival mode with an infant is a heck of a lot easier than with a toddler. Holy moly. What did we just do? Katie was this sweet little person with a big stubborn streak and a language barrier.
I struggled. She struggled. I had no idea what she wanted or needed and she had no idea who I was. This was going to be a process. And a process it was.
The hardest part was food for sure and we still struggle with that daily but Katie was very independent. She was walking. She refused to take a bottle starting the day we met. She wasn't in to co-sleeping. Everything we thought we would use to help build attachment wasn't what Katie wanted to do.
I remember after just a few months home, I had a moms weekend on the calendar. I so needed a break. I was still in fake it until you make it mode and I was stressed out. My poor friends who were stuck in the car with me for hours in the middle of nowhere Indiana. They listened to my truth. They dried my tears. They offered support and advice. Returning home from this weekend I was refreshed. Many would say I should never have left Katie after she had been home for just a few months but I needed it. I needed to regroup and think and figure it out.
After that weekend, I made it my mission to find a way to connect to my daughter and get out of fake it mode. I started to hug her more and snuggle her more. I called her over to sit in my lap which she didn't always want to do and that was okay. I tried to give her some space and get down and really interact with her. It was a slow process.
I was working with her on words and showing her pictures of the family and naming who was who. We would do this a lot after Kiya was at school and flashcards too. For a long time when we said point to "mama" she would point to herself. She knew who Kiya was. She knew who Daddy was. She would get there. She would see me as her mama in time.
My heart longed for this little girl to love me. I wanted to be more than just her caregiver. I knew from talking with other adoptive moms that it was going to take time so I settled in and kept on faking until it all clicked into place.
One day sweet little Katie walked up to me and said "Mama, kiss" and proceeded to kiss me all on her own. She had usually given hugs and kisses if we asked unless she was being silly and sassy but that day she actually asked for a kiss and she called me mama. My heart melted. I knew we had turned a corner and sure enough things were different. She was more snuggly. She gave more hugs and kisses on her own. Even little things like that her hugs were tighter warmed my heart.
Katie has been home 8 months now and of the first 7 months I spent all but 2 days with her. She in the last month has started daycare a few days a week to start the socialization process. I was excited to have some me time back even if I spend it doing laundry and grocery shopping. That said I had a tremendous amount of anxiety about dropping her off with strangers. They weren't strangers to me but to her. The night before I had to drop her off for the first time I cried myself to sleep. That is the moment I knew I had fallen in love. My little sidekick wasn't going to be glued to me every waking moment anymore and while she and I in reality both needed the break I was surprisingly really sad. We did it though. I dropped her off. She cried. But we both survived and now when we watch shows before dinner she comes and snuggles with me on the couch without even having to ask.
I can proudly say there is no more faking it. While I have loved both of my girls from the day I first saw their faces, I am also in love with both of my girls. I may not have given birth to them but we belong to each other. We need each other and most importantly we love each other.
But here is the thing, I didn't fall in love with any of those wonderful people listed above overnight. It took time. Did I love them from the start, well yes but was I in love with them, no.
I have always felt that with my husband it was love at first sight. We just clicked. Was I really and truly in love with him from day one, no. It took us sometime to get to know each other and find our groove. The same goes for my children.
Kiya was this tiny little peanut when we first saw her picture. She was fragile and scared and a mere 6 weeks old. I knew I loved her when I saw her sweet face but I didn't have that deep down to my core love for her yet. Four months after we saw her face we headed to Ethiopia to pick her up. I kicked into survival mode. Yes I loved her but I still wasn't in love with her. I was worried about meeting her basic needs. I was in fake it until you make it mode.
We got home and I spent 14 weeks with Kiya before I had to go back to work. The day I dropped her off at daycare for the first time was the day it hit me like a brick in the face. This little girl was a part of me. She was mine and I was hers. We did it. We had bonded and I had fallen in love.
Katie was 4 months old when we saw her face. Again, I knew I loved her because I knew she was my daughter and moms love their daughters. That said we waited 13 months before we were able to actually hold her in our arms. We watched this baby grow up to be a toddler in pictures. It was easy to get disconnected. I had to. I couldn't focus on the wait. I had a full time job and we had Kiya to think about.
When we did meet Katie, I again went in to survival mode. And survival mode with an infant is a heck of a lot easier than with a toddler. Holy moly. What did we just do? Katie was this sweet little person with a big stubborn streak and a language barrier.
I struggled. She struggled. I had no idea what she wanted or needed and she had no idea who I was. This was going to be a process. And a process it was.
The hardest part was food for sure and we still struggle with that daily but Katie was very independent. She was walking. She refused to take a bottle starting the day we met. She wasn't in to co-sleeping. Everything we thought we would use to help build attachment wasn't what Katie wanted to do.
I remember after just a few months home, I had a moms weekend on the calendar. I so needed a break. I was still in fake it until you make it mode and I was stressed out. My poor friends who were stuck in the car with me for hours in the middle of nowhere Indiana. They listened to my truth. They dried my tears. They offered support and advice. Returning home from this weekend I was refreshed. Many would say I should never have left Katie after she had been home for just a few months but I needed it. I needed to regroup and think and figure it out.
After that weekend, I made it my mission to find a way to connect to my daughter and get out of fake it mode. I started to hug her more and snuggle her more. I called her over to sit in my lap which she didn't always want to do and that was okay. I tried to give her some space and get down and really interact with her. It was a slow process.
I was working with her on words and showing her pictures of the family and naming who was who. We would do this a lot after Kiya was at school and flashcards too. For a long time when we said point to "mama" she would point to herself. She knew who Kiya was. She knew who Daddy was. She would get there. She would see me as her mama in time.
My heart longed for this little girl to love me. I wanted to be more than just her caregiver. I knew from talking with other adoptive moms that it was going to take time so I settled in and kept on faking until it all clicked into place.
One day sweet little Katie walked up to me and said "Mama, kiss" and proceeded to kiss me all on her own. She had usually given hugs and kisses if we asked unless she was being silly and sassy but that day she actually asked for a kiss and she called me mama. My heart melted. I knew we had turned a corner and sure enough things were different. She was more snuggly. She gave more hugs and kisses on her own. Even little things like that her hugs were tighter warmed my heart.
Katie has been home 8 months now and of the first 7 months I spent all but 2 days with her. She in the last month has started daycare a few days a week to start the socialization process. I was excited to have some me time back even if I spend it doing laundry and grocery shopping. That said I had a tremendous amount of anxiety about dropping her off with strangers. They weren't strangers to me but to her. The night before I had to drop her off for the first time I cried myself to sleep. That is the moment I knew I had fallen in love. My little sidekick wasn't going to be glued to me every waking moment anymore and while she and I in reality both needed the break I was surprisingly really sad. We did it though. I dropped her off. She cried. But we both survived and now when we watch shows before dinner she comes and snuggles with me on the couch without even having to ask.
I can proudly say there is no more faking it. While I have loved both of my girls from the day I first saw their faces, I am also in love with both of my girls. I may not have given birth to them but we belong to each other. We need each other and most importantly we love each other.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
It's official!
Today we were able to finalize Katie's adoption. Her Nana and Papa came along for the celebration.
We were in and out of court in less than 10 minutes. The judge was very soft spoken and sweet. He gave both of the girls a stuffed animal and we were on our way. It was so fast. Our hearing was at 9 and we were done at 9. Our social worker missed the hearing it was so fast.
We have one more check to write and that will officially close our file at Catholic Charities. It has been open and active since 2006. I can hardly believe it. We are very blessed indeed. The road to our children was long and bumpy but was so worth it. These girls are amazing and crazy but I love than more than life itself and couldn't imagine my life without them. Everything has happened as it should have even if we didn't know it at the time.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
EmBracing our summer?
One month from today Kiya will be cast free and sporting a new TLSO brace. I am excited and terrified. She is confused.
Last night she asked me why she wasn't getting a new cast. Her direct quote "but mommy I always wear a cast."
She is right. For as long as she can remember she has worn a cast whether it was pink, green, blue and pink or blue and purple like her current selection. She got her first cast in September of 2010. Wow. We are almost 3 years in to this bumpy curvy road.
We have seen a lot of lows along the way and a few glimmers of hope and a whole lot of nothing new. Her curve took a big hit when she spent 2 1/2 months out of cast due to a gravel induced granuloma that took that long to heal. In September 2010 she was 52 degrees out of cast. When she got her second cast in January 2011 she was 64 degrees out of cast.
Cast 3 brought us down to 62 and cast 4 brought us up to 66 degrees out of cast. Then we finally got some long awaited good news between cast 5 and 6 she had gotten and held 20 degrees of correction. Hallelujah. It was finally working. We weren't putting our kid under general anesthesia every 12 weeks for nothing. The hope of these numbers kept me going. Kept hope and faith alive.
Then the day of cast 7 arrives. I was hopeful we would hear a number below 45 degrees. We heard no change. Sigh. Okay, no change is better than worse a wise woman told me. Cast day for casts, 8, 9 and 10 brought us the same news. No change. Each time the doc is getting her down to 15 degrees or so in cast. I am frustrated. Her doctor is frustrated.
I couldn't face yet another summer of saying no to the swim lessons she so desperately wanted. I also felt we needed to build her strength. So after talking it over with other cast moms, my husband, our care coordinator and our doctor, we all agreed that Kiya could be cast free this summer. Brace break here we come.
She is excited that she can take swim lessons. I am in the process of getting her a private instructor. We are also going to do physical therapy and possibly dance. I plan on not wasting a second of this gift. That said I am terrified. What if her curve gets worse? What if it holds at 45?
I don't do well with the unknown. I want answers and there are no answers or quick fixes. Reality is and we have told Kiya this that she will spend 4k in a cast. She is already talking about what color she wants. She says this now but I wonder how a removable brace will affect her excitement over her next cast color....
Our doctor is willing to cast her as long as we want. The older she is getting the more she is not liking talking about her cast and others seeing her cast. She has been better about it lately but she has her moments. Kids are curious and sometimes cruel and I worry for her. She had one little boy in preschool ask about it and she walked away and said she didn't want to talk about it. Which I have told her is fine it is up to her what she wants to share. She can tell you she has a curvy back or sometimes she says she has scoliosis just like she can tell you she was adopted and was born in Ethiopia. Both stories are hers to share at the level she wants to share.
I am scared. I don't know what the future holds but I know for sure that the outcome of this brace break will tell us a lot. If her curve can hold it gives us hope that if and when we pull the plug on casting, her curve will hold so she can grow and get bigger before facing surgery. If her curve were to get worse, well than we cast and cast and cast until casting just won't work for her or us anymore and then depending on where we are she may face surgery at a younger age than I would like.
I had always hoped and prayed that major spine surgery/surgeries would never be in her future. Reality is hitting me hard that we may not be able to avoid it. She still has a severe curve even though it is 20 degrees better than it was at its worst. I pray daily that the 45 number will go down but it hasn't in a year so hope is hard to hold onto especially since her age works against her. She is still flexible so I hold onto that for now. It is getting hard though.
She is my baby girl that I waited 6 years for. She is my sunshine. She is my light. I want to protect her. I want to shield her. But this darn curvy back gets the best of me sometimes. She as always is a rock star and I know that no matter where this path takes us she will bounce back and be amazing.
Deep breaths and one day at a time as we both try to EmBrace this summer and enjoy every second without regard to what the future will hold. We can deal with the reality in August right?
Last night she asked me why she wasn't getting a new cast. Her direct quote "but mommy I always wear a cast."
She is right. For as long as she can remember she has worn a cast whether it was pink, green, blue and pink or blue and purple like her current selection. She got her first cast in September of 2010. Wow. We are almost 3 years in to this bumpy curvy road.
We have seen a lot of lows along the way and a few glimmers of hope and a whole lot of nothing new. Her curve took a big hit when she spent 2 1/2 months out of cast due to a gravel induced granuloma that took that long to heal. In September 2010 she was 52 degrees out of cast. When she got her second cast in January 2011 she was 64 degrees out of cast.
Cast 3 brought us down to 62 and cast 4 brought us up to 66 degrees out of cast. Then we finally got some long awaited good news between cast 5 and 6 she had gotten and held 20 degrees of correction. Hallelujah. It was finally working. We weren't putting our kid under general anesthesia every 12 weeks for nothing. The hope of these numbers kept me going. Kept hope and faith alive.
Then the day of cast 7 arrives. I was hopeful we would hear a number below 45 degrees. We heard no change. Sigh. Okay, no change is better than worse a wise woman told me. Cast day for casts, 8, 9 and 10 brought us the same news. No change. Each time the doc is getting her down to 15 degrees or so in cast. I am frustrated. Her doctor is frustrated.
I couldn't face yet another summer of saying no to the swim lessons she so desperately wanted. I also felt we needed to build her strength. So after talking it over with other cast moms, my husband, our care coordinator and our doctor, we all agreed that Kiya could be cast free this summer. Brace break here we come.
She is excited that she can take swim lessons. I am in the process of getting her a private instructor. We are also going to do physical therapy and possibly dance. I plan on not wasting a second of this gift. That said I am terrified. What if her curve gets worse? What if it holds at 45?
I don't do well with the unknown. I want answers and there are no answers or quick fixes. Reality is and we have told Kiya this that she will spend 4k in a cast. She is already talking about what color she wants. She says this now but I wonder how a removable brace will affect her excitement over her next cast color....
Our doctor is willing to cast her as long as we want. The older she is getting the more she is not liking talking about her cast and others seeing her cast. She has been better about it lately but she has her moments. Kids are curious and sometimes cruel and I worry for her. She had one little boy in preschool ask about it and she walked away and said she didn't want to talk about it. Which I have told her is fine it is up to her what she wants to share. She can tell you she has a curvy back or sometimes she says she has scoliosis just like she can tell you she was adopted and was born in Ethiopia. Both stories are hers to share at the level she wants to share.
I am scared. I don't know what the future holds but I know for sure that the outcome of this brace break will tell us a lot. If her curve can hold it gives us hope that if and when we pull the plug on casting, her curve will hold so she can grow and get bigger before facing surgery. If her curve were to get worse, well than we cast and cast and cast until casting just won't work for her or us anymore and then depending on where we are she may face surgery at a younger age than I would like.
I had always hoped and prayed that major spine surgery/surgeries would never be in her future. Reality is hitting me hard that we may not be able to avoid it. She still has a severe curve even though it is 20 degrees better than it was at its worst. I pray daily that the 45 number will go down but it hasn't in a year so hope is hard to hold onto especially since her age works against her. She is still flexible so I hold onto that for now. It is getting hard though.
She is my baby girl that I waited 6 years for. She is my sunshine. She is my light. I want to protect her. I want to shield her. But this darn curvy back gets the best of me sometimes. She as always is a rock star and I know that no matter where this path takes us she will bounce back and be amazing.
Deep breaths and one day at a time as we both try to EmBrace this summer and enjoy every second without regard to what the future will hold. We can deal with the reality in August right?
Monday, April 8, 2013
Is it toddler related or adoption related?
That is the age old question that runs through my head daily. Adopting a toddler is hard work. Really hard work. Katie spent 17 months with someone else. That stinks. She has been with us for 7 months and things today are much better than they were but every day at least once I ask myself is this a toddler thing or adoption thing?
You see here is the problem. Katie is now 2 and while the 2's were a piece of cake with Kiya, Katie seems to have a different definition of what being two is. She is full of emotion, cries at the drop of a hate, stomps her feet if she doesn't get her way, lays down on the floor and ignores you. With this last one if you go to pick her up often she will buckle her knees and collapse to the floor. If I need to put her in a time out/in for a blatant rule violation, like throwing wood blocks, she will sit there but will cry for the entire 2 minutes with her eyes closed and her bottom jaw jutted out and drooling. Yup fun.
Now we were well aware that adopting a toddler would be very different than adopting a baby. Did I read a ton of books about toddler adoption, attachment, sleep, etc? Nope. Not a single one. I was a part of many facebook groups that surround adoption and specifically Korean adoption. I thought I was prepared. I thought I can deal with the sleep issues, attachment, grief,etc.
Did we have sleep issues? Nope not really. Within one month of being home, Katie was falling asleep in her own room in her own bed all by herself. It was a little bit of an adjustment but not at all terrible. She is a fantastic sleeper and sporadic napper but nothing here to worry about. Co-sleeping while recommended by some was not going to work for this family so we chose to not really do it and work up to her sleeping on her own. She wakes up happy and looking for Kiya and mommy and daddy.
Attachment issues, well I spent every day of our first 7 months together with her but 2. She calls me mama or mommy. She calls Dave her daddy. Kiya is eya. She hugs and kisses all of us. She will if in the right mood spontaneously come up and give a big hug and say "love you". She snuggles in my lap which I LOVE. She looks back to us and checks in with us in new situations. She cries when I leave her. Yes I see this as a good thing because she misses me. I am her favorite by far ok well Kiya is but she is bonded and attached. Bottle feeding is recommended by some to promote attachment. We didn't pursue or force this. Katie refused to drink a bottle from the day we met her so we didn't push it.
Grief that is a tough one. Katie has no reaction all to pictures of her foster mom. We have no pictures of her foster father so not sure about that one. She cried slightly when her foster mom handed her to me in the van but then snuggled into me and fell asleep.
Food is and was her issue. We went through a very rough period the first 5 days home. Now we are just tyring to figure out if she is gluten intolerant, lactose intolerant or something else. This has been a stressor for me as once I think we have something figured out I get a not so pleasant reminder that dealing with an unstable gut is less than fun and takes time.
She has been in daycare for 2 weeks now. She cries at drop off but settles within a few minutes. She is eating and napping there. She is happy as a clam when I pick her up. She is learning how to play with other kids her age as some days she just wants to follow her teachers around.
So back to my daily question...is her behavior toddler related or is it adoption related? I am not sure I will ever be able to answer that question. You see she is a toddler and well she is still learning the language which comes with adopting a toddler. I am not sure reading a book or two or three would help me answer this question. Time will help and getting to know Katie and her triggers. Since she started daycare we actually see less of the tantrumy behavior.
Am I rushing out to get an attachment therapist? Nope. Am I calling a speech therapist because she says gilk instead of milk or groken instead of broken. Nope. She is saying more and more words every day and she can understand and follow multiple step directions if she feels like it..2 year olds are moody sometimes. She is putting more are more words together and at her 2 year check was on the low end of normal in speech for kids her age which I would say is not half bad for hearing English for at that point only 6 months. Did I call Birth to 3 as soon as she got home? Nope. Will I call them? We shall see. They were a great help with Kiya but I don't think we need them.
Now this is what is working for us. I understand that every kid is different and every parent is different. We all find ways to adjust to our new toddlers but for us reality was we had another child at home. Kiya demands and commands a lot of attention and has her own unique situations that need to be addressed and dealt with.
You see here is the problem. Katie is now 2 and while the 2's were a piece of cake with Kiya, Katie seems to have a different definition of what being two is. She is full of emotion, cries at the drop of a hate, stomps her feet if she doesn't get her way, lays down on the floor and ignores you. With this last one if you go to pick her up often she will buckle her knees and collapse to the floor. If I need to put her in a time out/in for a blatant rule violation, like throwing wood blocks, she will sit there but will cry for the entire 2 minutes with her eyes closed and her bottom jaw jutted out and drooling. Yup fun.
Now we were well aware that adopting a toddler would be very different than adopting a baby. Did I read a ton of books about toddler adoption, attachment, sleep, etc? Nope. Not a single one. I was a part of many facebook groups that surround adoption and specifically Korean adoption. I thought I was prepared. I thought I can deal with the sleep issues, attachment, grief,etc.
Did we have sleep issues? Nope not really. Within one month of being home, Katie was falling asleep in her own room in her own bed all by herself. It was a little bit of an adjustment but not at all terrible. She is a fantastic sleeper and sporadic napper but nothing here to worry about. Co-sleeping while recommended by some was not going to work for this family so we chose to not really do it and work up to her sleeping on her own. She wakes up happy and looking for Kiya and mommy and daddy.
Attachment issues, well I spent every day of our first 7 months together with her but 2. She calls me mama or mommy. She calls Dave her daddy. Kiya is eya. She hugs and kisses all of us. She will if in the right mood spontaneously come up and give a big hug and say "love you". She snuggles in my lap which I LOVE. She looks back to us and checks in with us in new situations. She cries when I leave her. Yes I see this as a good thing because she misses me. I am her favorite by far ok well Kiya is but she is bonded and attached. Bottle feeding is recommended by some to promote attachment. We didn't pursue or force this. Katie refused to drink a bottle from the day we met her so we didn't push it.
Grief that is a tough one. Katie has no reaction all to pictures of her foster mom. We have no pictures of her foster father so not sure about that one. She cried slightly when her foster mom handed her to me in the van but then snuggled into me and fell asleep.
Food is and was her issue. We went through a very rough period the first 5 days home. Now we are just tyring to figure out if she is gluten intolerant, lactose intolerant or something else. This has been a stressor for me as once I think we have something figured out I get a not so pleasant reminder that dealing with an unstable gut is less than fun and takes time.
She has been in daycare for 2 weeks now. She cries at drop off but settles within a few minutes. She is eating and napping there. She is happy as a clam when I pick her up. She is learning how to play with other kids her age as some days she just wants to follow her teachers around.
So back to my daily question...is her behavior toddler related or is it adoption related? I am not sure I will ever be able to answer that question. You see she is a toddler and well she is still learning the language which comes with adopting a toddler. I am not sure reading a book or two or three would help me answer this question. Time will help and getting to know Katie and her triggers. Since she started daycare we actually see less of the tantrumy behavior.
Am I rushing out to get an attachment therapist? Nope. Am I calling a speech therapist because she says gilk instead of milk or groken instead of broken. Nope. She is saying more and more words every day and she can understand and follow multiple step directions if she feels like it..2 year olds are moody sometimes. She is putting more are more words together and at her 2 year check was on the low end of normal in speech for kids her age which I would say is not half bad for hearing English for at that point only 6 months. Did I call Birth to 3 as soon as she got home? Nope. Will I call them? We shall see. They were a great help with Kiya but I don't think we need them.
Now this is what is working for us. I understand that every kid is different and every parent is different. We all find ways to adjust to our new toddlers but for us reality was we had another child at home. Kiya demands and commands a lot of attention and has her own unique situations that need to be addressed and dealt with.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Long lost blogger....
Hard to believe it is almost April and I haven't blogged since Christmas. Well I am hoping that I can get back in to this if there is anyone still out there reading.
So what is going on? Where to start...
Katie is officially 2 now. We had a small family celebration for her. She is very much 2 attitude and all. She has started going to daycare 3 times a week to help with her language development and her social skills. She has gone twice so far but seems for the most part to be okay with it all.
She is weighing in at 26lbs and 35.25 inches so yet another tall skinny kiddo. She is healthy which is great and growing which is great. She is on a gluten free diet and will be for quite some time. She hasn't been officially tested for celiac disease but it is a possibility that she has this. We took her gluten free a couple months ago so testing and scoping would like not be definitive. We noticed a major improvement in the diaper situation on her new diet 5-6 diapers a day with gluten in her diet has gone down to 1-2. We are also limiting fruit, juice etc to give her unstable a gut a chance to recover and not be aggravated by the sugars.
Kiya is in cast 10. We have had no real change in her out of cast numbers so she is holding steady at 45 degrees so not great but not getting worse either so we will take it. After much thought and debate we are taking a cast break this summer. She will be fitted for a back brace in May. We are going to use this summer to strengthen her core muscles. We met with a physical therapist and she has below average muscle tone and is flat footed. She has started to wear her ankle braces again and we will see the therapist again in May after her cast comes off. Kiya will also finally be able to take swim lessons. We are signing her up for private lessons for as many weeks as we can.
Now that our family is complete we are going on vacation in June. We are taking our girls to Disneyworld. To say I have a super excited 4 year old is an understatement.
So that is what is going on for the most part. Coming up we have Katie's finalization hearing in April, baptism in May, Kiya's 4 year family day celebration, vacation and baseball season :)
We are going to be busy and can't wait for some nice weather so we can go outside and play.
Will work on getting some update pictures on here soon!
So what is going on? Where to start...
Katie is officially 2 now. We had a small family celebration for her. She is very much 2 attitude and all. She has started going to daycare 3 times a week to help with her language development and her social skills. She has gone twice so far but seems for the most part to be okay with it all.
She is weighing in at 26lbs and 35.25 inches so yet another tall skinny kiddo. She is healthy which is great and growing which is great. She is on a gluten free diet and will be for quite some time. She hasn't been officially tested for celiac disease but it is a possibility that she has this. We took her gluten free a couple months ago so testing and scoping would like not be definitive. We noticed a major improvement in the diaper situation on her new diet 5-6 diapers a day with gluten in her diet has gone down to 1-2. We are also limiting fruit, juice etc to give her unstable a gut a chance to recover and not be aggravated by the sugars.
Kiya is in cast 10. We have had no real change in her out of cast numbers so she is holding steady at 45 degrees so not great but not getting worse either so we will take it. After much thought and debate we are taking a cast break this summer. She will be fitted for a back brace in May. We are going to use this summer to strengthen her core muscles. We met with a physical therapist and she has below average muscle tone and is flat footed. She has started to wear her ankle braces again and we will see the therapist again in May after her cast comes off. Kiya will also finally be able to take swim lessons. We are signing her up for private lessons for as many weeks as we can.
Now that our family is complete we are going on vacation in June. We are taking our girls to Disneyworld. To say I have a super excited 4 year old is an understatement.
So that is what is going on for the most part. Coming up we have Katie's finalization hearing in April, baptism in May, Kiya's 4 year family day celebration, vacation and baseball season :)
We are going to be busy and can't wait for some nice weather so we can go outside and play.
Will work on getting some update pictures on here soon!
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