Can we say 3 weeks???

It occurred to me today that we are 3 weeks away from our 12 months of waiting date. 3 weeks??? Can we say starting to freak out a little???? (okay A LOT)

I haven't heard from my specialist in awhile but at last word she had said that the trend was for people to get the call sometime in their 11th month of waiting whether it be 11 months and 1 day or 11 months and 29 days is impossible to predict. I have seen families get the call mere days before they hit the 12 month mark and others who got the call a few weeks before they hit 12 months.

Holy Moly! I can't think of anything else right now but my phone ringing. I have officially lost it. I am certifiable for sure. I want that phone to ring so badly and then in the back of my head I keep hearing what if it doesn't. I know crazy but International Adoption is crazy and anything could happen.

While I try to remain calm, HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! May 2009 be all that you hope and want it to be. I am sure hoping that 2009 will be one of the greatest years of my life. I could use an awesome year. 2007 was a TERRIBLE year and 2008 was average at best. I am so grateful to all my family and friends for sticking with us through these last two years as rough as they may have been at times. 2009 sure looks to be the year for us and our new family. Fingers crossed for all my buddies at the top of the list may we be so blessed to hear our phone ringing soon from the 651 area code!

EDIT: No sooner did I post this that I got an email from my specialist. She said they are up to dossier dates of 1/10/08 (we are 1/22/08) and that she is pretty hopeful that we won't hit 12 months of waiting. Pretty was her word not mine and she unfortunately gave no hints as to when it might happen but soon. Okay--now I am crying, happy tears of course. I told you I was a mess :)

And then....

So I have been getting some questions about where we are and what happens next so I thought I would try to briefly summarize what exactly we are waiting for and then what happens after that.

We are still #8 on the unofficial list (bring on 2009!!!) and we are waiting for a phone call. This will be a call from our specialist letting us know we have been matched with a baby. She will tell us over the phone some basic info and email us a referral packet that has the same info. Thank goodness for email as I will be jumping up and down and crying so I don't think I would be the best listener. We then have 1 week to decide if we would like to accept the referral.

To break that down. Our specialist is going to call me as I am more readily accessible by phone though she does have our home #, my cell #, my work #, Dave's cell # and Dave's work # just in case. Depending on what time she calls it will depend on how we handle it. If we are lucky and it is my day off and before Dave leaves for work we will both take the call but that is unlikely. So I am expecting to take the call and then call Dave and we can open the email together and see a picture of our beautiful peanut. (As to why we don't conference call, Dave doesn't have an office and is in a VERY open environment with ZERO privacy so it would a lot to handle in front of co-workers, boss, etc).

I then have a list of other people to call which includes family and some dear friends. I have a feeling a lot of my day will be spent on the phone and staring at a picture. These calls are going to take a big leap of faith for me. I have had my heart broken while on this adoption journey but I am telling myself this is different. Something always felt off before, this time it doesn't. God called us to adopt from Ethiopia and in God I must trust. I will celebrate that call with everything I have in me all the while saying prayers for peanut to be healthy and the process to go smoothly. And if you thought I was a basket case before the call, I have a feeling it is only going to get worse but in a good way if that makes sense.

After we get the call, I will email the International Adoption Clinic with our referral packet for medical review. This is just a formality and not a necessity. We don't have any doubt that when we get that call that God was involved. We were supposed to be matched with this child no matter what the test results show but are getting the info reviewed so we know what to look for if anything. From there we officially accept the referral and wait some more for a court date. Court dates are about 2-3 months after referral or so it seems and then birth certificates seem to be taking about 2-3 weeks and then travel 2-3 weeks after that. The timeline says about 12-16 weeks from referral until travel but I think it will be closer to 16 weeks.

Until we pass court I cannot post pictures or names on this blog as the baby is not legally ours yet. I can share pictures privately with family and close friends and trust me the day we pass court a picture will be front and center on this blog. As for a name, that discussion is on hold. We are waiting to see what name was given to our peanut and by whom.

As always, my prayers and thoughts are with you peanut and those looking after you. We are ready for 2009 and more than ready to see your beautiful face.

Back to reality

Well, it is finally time for me to get back to reality. It was nice to have a break from work and technology for a few days.

Christmas was fabulous. There was lots of good food, drink and laughs to go around. It was great to be able to spend it with family and friends.

The biggest surprise of the last week is that we are now # 8 on the unofficial list and # 4 on that list waiting for an infant. My cell phone ringer volume is as high as it will go. I am hopeful that the next weeks will bring us amazing news. I saw that we had moved up a spot on Christmas Eve after church. I cried. I do that a lot lately.

My hubby spoiled me rotten this year. We try to set a budget and I felt bad for going a little over but 2 years in a row he has out done himself. Last year I got this amazing lamp and this year he bought me a Nintendo Wii and the Ergo baby carrier I wanted. All I asked for this year was the Ergo but he thought I needed a distraction to keep me busy over the next few months while we wait for the phone to ring and then wait for travel. Isn't he sweet? The key will be to work for an hour on the To Do list and play Wii for an hour that way I can still get things crossed off that list.

I also went on my first official baby buying spree this weekend. We went to the outlet mall near the Dells and I bought some silly looking but cute baby toys at Old Navy and 5 onesies and a sleeper set at the Carter's outlet. If we are having a boy, I am so going back to the outlets to get the cutest little whale shirt and plaid shorts I have ever seen. It was hard not to buy one of everything in the store. In fact a couple walked in behind us and the husband said "don't we already own at least 1 of everything in this store." I looked at hubby and just smiled. He rolled his eyes.

These next few weeks I will probably be in a daze. Trying to get things done around the house, trying to figure out my new toy and staring at that phone willing it to ring. Oh and our home study update is right around the corner so I need to clean the house :)

I hope everyone had safe travels, avoided crazy weather and was blessed enough to be able to spend the holidays with the ones that you love.

PS--yes I am blogging while at work. Trying to starve off the boredom :)

Merry Christmas!!

I just wanted to take a brief moment and say Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to all of those that have become my blogging buds and to those that read this that I may not know about. Your grace and your kindness are much appreciated.

I will be off for awhile and away from my blog on a much needed mini vacation. I wish everyone safe travels and lots of holiday cheer.

I am currently at work watching the snow fall and hope to soon be enjoying a nice lunch with out of town friends and then lots of family time after that. From there we are heading to the Wisconsin Dells for lots of water slide fun :)

So until we meet again, relax, enjoy and keep your fingers crossed for all my fellow top of the listers that we hear amazing news very soon.

Happy or Sad or a little of both???

Today marks our 11th month of waiting for our little peanut. I am not sure if I should be elated because we are so close to the life changing phone call or if I should be sad. Why sad?? Well, I can't help but think about peanut. They are probably at least at a satellite care center which means their first family has to be grieving. That family had to experience a tremendous loss in order for me to be a Mom. Sometimes that is a lot to swallow.

So I struggle with these mixed emotions and I pray that 1 month from today I am not writing a post saying we are still waiting. I want to be so happy because my dreams are about to come true but my heart feels for peanut's first family. They are giving me such an incredible gift yet they are losing a member of their immediate family. That is really emotionally taxing.

I have all these questions and what if's running through my head. Is peanut at the care center yet? Will I get to meet members of peanuts first family? Will I be able to keep Ethiopia, the culture, traditions and food a part of our lives? Will I be able to share peanut's story with them properly?

My life is about to forever change and that is exciting and scary all at the same time. I have waited a very long time for what is about to happen yet sometimes I still feel unprepared. I am sure I am not alone in this sentiment.

So I guess in answer to my title, I am a little of both. Happy beyond measure yet I have this aching in my heart. Almost like guilt... Our little peanut will be joining our family soon and I can't wait. As always, I will continue to pray for peanut, peanut's first family and the nannies, doctors, etc that may be taking care of peanut right now. Peanut, you are loved more than you know. We are ready when you are and we promise to do the best we can.

O Snowy day...

Well I have a snow day today :) I was supposed to be at work at 5:30am and that was so not going to happen. By 9:30am, hubby had decided he would stay home today as well and was going to drive me to work. Well, we have to drive on a 2 lane road to get to my job and that road was not plowed at all. It was terrifying. I called my boss to let her know there was no way I was going to make it in today. We then started our journey to try and turn around and get home.

I am a TERRIBLE backseat, nervous driver so I was freaking out a little. Ok a lot. This was a two lane road, one lane each direction well it was so poorly plowed it was a one way street and you just had to pray no one came from the other direction. Well they did and we were on the shoulder at one point. All in all it took us about 40 minutes to reroute ourselves back home. We headed for more major roads so we didn't have to get back on that dreaded road.

So what to do on this snowy day...well I still have Christmas cards to address and gifts to wrap. I have lots of time to add things to the baby registry and then there is some house cleaning to do.

Oh and I am sure after the plow has gone by a few more times we will have to dig ourselves out again...

Who knew...

Okay so after my last post and the kind comments as well as the nice posts from the forum, I have started a registry at Babies R Us.

I have spent the better part of 3 hours now searching and looking for things to add to the registry. Wow, who knew that there were some many baby products to choose from. It has been fun but a tad overwhelming at the same time.

I still have more things to go through and add. I also need to add clothes and bedding, but need to wait until we are closer and until we know if it is a boy or a girl. I really started to feel like an expectant parent. I can't thank everyone enough for the encouragement.

Babies R Us even asks if you are adopting and you can put in the date you hope to be home with your baby. I thought that was pretty neat. I right now have entered May 20th as the date we hope to be home with baby. Why that date??? My USCIS fingerprints expire on that date and I am really hoping to be back in the US by then so I don't have to go through the process to update them. It isn't a tough process to update but just another thing to get done.

So the adventure of baby registries has begun. I am open to suggestions for "must haves" from other Moms. Okay back to checking out umbrella strollers and jumparoos...

To register or not to register...

To date I haven't really decided if I should register for baby stuff or not. As we are getting closer to "the call" I am starting to think about the topic of registering again.

We are in a unique situation since we will be 1st time parents but we already have a lot of baby stuff. We had the twins for those two months so we have two cribs, two car seats, a double stroller, a single stroller, a pack n play, bottles, toys, books, 2 purple bumbo chairs and a decent array of baby girl clothes. Obviously if we have a boy we have some shopping to do as my gender neutral clothes, sheets, towels etc are limited in number.

I do have some things jotted down and picked out that I would like but just not sure if we should register or not.

With the time getting closer and nesting in full force I have so much still to do and registering could be one of those things. I finally after 8 years or so got the watercolor of Noah's Ark, the inspiration for the nursery theme, framed. I still have one more closet to clean out. I need to get into the nursery and really clean up and organize but not sure I am emotionally ready for that for a couple reasons. There are a lot of memories in that room that are still a little painful and then there is all the new memories that will be made in that room. It is a roller coaster room for me right now so I haven't spent that much time in there since the mural was completed.

Being in there for the mural wasn't tough because it was the start of new memories to be made. The tasks that I need to do in the room now deal with sorting through the clothes, bedding, etc and there are some images and memories attached to those that are a little painful. I see an outfit or a towel and think of the twins. Not in a bad way but it melts my heart a little. I was really grateful to have had the girls here and to learn so much from them but it still stings; it is getting better but I don't think I will ever forget that experience.

Maybe registering could be a way to start fresh? I didn't really have time to stop and pick out exactly what I wanted for the twins. We were in a big time crunch so I had to take whatever I could find that was in stock. I like what we have but it isn't really personal. Maybe if I register and take time to pick things specifically for peanut it would mend those little scratches still left on my heart? I think I have some more thinking to do.

My weekend was great because...

My weekend was great for so many reasons. I will start with the definite highlight of my weekend. Here is a picture of my new friend, Leah, that I have known for many months but just met. I read her blog and she reads mine and we truly hope that if the stars align and God willing we will get our referrals around the same time and hopefully travel at the same time. It was nice to meet in person and to feel connected to someone who just gets it. We share the same joy, anxiety and borderline craziness about how our lives are about to change. Us soon to be adoptive moms need some validation that we aren't losing our minds so it was nice to get some of that this weekend. Leah is one cool chick and I am glad we met for real. And her son, Noah, is just too cute for words and boy does he love his animals. He was telling me all about the big crocodiles and how much he loves tigers. Just adorable!

On Saturday, we finally put up the Christmas tree, stockings, etc. We are a little behind in the department but it is done now and the house feels a lot more festive.

On Sunday after brunch with Leah and Noah, we went to our neighbors holiday party. She makes cut out cookies for the kids to decorate (and the adults too) and we all just hang out and relax. It was really enjoyable. We are truly blessed to live in a great neighborhood with some really great people. We had a lot of fun and brought home way too many holiday sweets. I made 2 different kinds of fudge for the event and still have some left over. I always thought fudge was hard to make and it so wasn't. I had both batches done in less than 45 minutes. It is the setting and the chilling that takes time. The rest is super easy.

After we got back from the party, we took our Christmas picture for our Christmas cards. That was a little bit of a chore trying to make sure everyone looked good including the pugs. I then ordered our cards on shutterfly.com and hopefully we will have them by the end of the week. Again, we are running late on that but better late than never. There are 3 pictures on our card this year. One is of Dave and I each holding a pug, one is of just the pugs and one is a map of Ethiopia (the birthplace of peanut). I can't wait to get them. I will post that picture at a later date.

Last week I asked a few times if it was Sunday yet, the day I would meet Leah, well now I will be asking is it January yet??? Could I really be this close??? Are all my dreams about to come true??? I need some answers to these questions and hopefully January will bring them to me.

Homeowner woes

Have to vent, totally not adoption related.

Toilet fixed! Busted pipe in basement fixed! (gotta love the cold temps that busted our pipe last year and cracked a window). Appointment was also made to perform routine maintenance on the heater and fix a duct issue in the basement.

In the four years we have lived in our home (we are the first owners), we have decided we must have had the world's worst home builder and sub contractors. Our plumber was TERRIBLE. When we first moved in, we went to start up the water softener and water went shooting out all over the basement. The water softener company came out to fix it and said whoever installed it didn't do it correctly. That would have been the plumbers.

Today I found out from the company we called to fix the toilet that the plumbers didn't do things correctly again. They installed the toilet improperly in the downstairs bathroom and put plastic seals on backwards. They also failed to angle the water faucet pipe correctly so the water drained back into the house instead of out to the yard. This led to water staying in the pipe after we shut the water off for the winter and when temps dipped well below freezing last year, the pipe burst. We also had the wrong faucets in the house but got those replaced and the plumbers improperly installed the bathtub faucet and shower head in one of the bathrooms. There was also the leak under the sink in the guest bathroom. See, they were awful.

Don't get me wrong I am grateful that we are able to afford to own a home (hence that is one reason we left CA) but sometimes being a homeowner is frustrating. Between the plumbing issues, deck issues, and a handful of other things, we were less than satisfied with our builders and the plumbers. I made my frustrations known to the builders just shortly after moving in and within the first year we lived here. The plumbers are now on my list. I am going to contact them and let them know that I will never recommend them to anyone and I have already told people about these issues and encourage them to select another plumbing contractor.

My displeasure goes so far that when and if we build another home I won't work with a company that wants to use this plumber. It has caused me time and money to fix all the things they have done wrong. Some we caught in the first year under warranty, others are rearing their ugly head now. Okay, I feel better now that I vented.

Doing the happy dance :) (no not a referral)

We got our explanation of benefits statement from our health insurance company regarding our travel clinic appointment. Mind you, we prepared ourselves for the worst after hearing stories of lengthy phone calls trying to get stuff covered. We don't have the best insurance but some is better than none. Well, when I opened the envelope I wasn't sure what to expect and....

THEY COVERED OUR APPOINTMENT AND ALL VACCINES!!! We just have to pay the co-pay of $30 for each of us. It would have been around $550 per person to get the shots we did. Wow.

Hence I am doing the happy dance! May post again later, but I am waiting on the plumber. We have a leaky toilet :(

I have come a long way..I think

I decided today to go back and read the first few posts that I made on this blog. While they were fine, I do think I have come a long way in my own process. Back then, I was worried about getting sick, what to name peanut, moving up the list, travel, in essence the basics of international adoption.

Then someone posted this article on the forum and it rang so true. Here is the link:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/11/child-or-adopted-child-please-check-one/?hp

"For the first few months, I felt compelled to explain myself to everyone — even to strangers. I felt like an impostor, an interloper into motherhood. I remember thinking that some day it wouldn’t matter any more, that I’d forget I was an adoptive mother and come to be just like everybody else."

I totally get this statement as I think this is where I was even when we had the twins, I felt like an impostor for sure. But after almost 11 months of waiting this where I am.

"adoption still matters. It’s not either/or. I am an adoptive mother. I am a real mother. I am not my child's only mother, but I am their mommy, and they are my child. My adopted child."

I feel like now when I read my posts they are more introspective. I have come to look at the whole journey and the big picture. The sadness that must happen for me to experience the joy of parenthood. I have realized there is much more depth behind what we are doing. It is not so much a means to a end but a whole life transition. We are forever adding Ethiopia, its people, and its culture to our lives. That I knew in my head but not in my heart.

My head always knew what this process would and could mean and I think my heart has finally caught up. I really get that what we are doing is a huge deal. A comment on this blog by a very wise woman, told me that I need to be here, emotionally, to really be ready for what is about to happen. I am here. I am ready.

I have always said that I am more than ready to be a mom and while I still believe that I am not sure I was fully ready for the commitment it will mean to be an adoptive mom of a baby born in Ethiopia. I really think I am now. I am ready to be the best mom I can be. I am ready to fully commit to my child, their culture, and their country. It is my responsibility to do that. I am not sure I really understood that when we first started. I have come to learn that and I am grateful that I have learned it.

Is it Sunday yet???

No really is it Sunday yet??? I am meeting a new friend in person this Sunday :) She is moving to the other side of the world and wanted to get together before she left. We are still hoping if all things align right that we will travel together to pick up our little peanuts but thought brunch would be fun in the meantime.

I have said this before but never in my wildest dreams did I realize how this international adoption process would lead to new friends and new connections. When we were adopting domestically, I felt so alone. We didn't know anyone adopting with our agency and at that time the pre-adoptive class structure was different. Now you go through the whole thing as a group of families so you get to know each other with us we didn't have that. We had no one to get to know.

Now with international adoption, I have met some amazing women (their blogs are listed on the right). Some I will meet in person and some I may not but that is okay. We are all connected on this journey together. I couldn't have gone through this wait without these amazing women. For all the virtual hugs, kind words, emails, pillow fights on Facebook, baby fixes and now brunch, I couldn't have gotten this far without them.

I don't have anyone in my neighborhood or in my circle of friends that have adopted domestically or internationally. I am so glad that I can expand that circle to include some pretty amazing people who have been such a huge support to me. I only hope that I can be there for them when they need it.

So I ask again, is it Sunday??? I can't wait to meet my new friend, fellow adoptive mom and former pug owner. Hopefully, my wild and crazy pugs will cure her pug fix for a little while. And hopefully we can be rejoicing with each other over the announcement of our referrals no matter where we live be it the US or Korea.

Blog post #200!!!

I just realized when I logged on today that this is post #200. I guess I am chatty :) I have thoroughly enjoyed writing this blog and reading the blogs of my fellow adoptive moms. This has been an awesome release for me. I have posted on things here that I haven't talked about so it has helped me to clear my head and get focused.

Today I have no adoption news to report, unfortunately. I am still nesting away. Today I cleaned out the closet in the master bedroom. It is unbelievable how much stuff I have and don't need. There is definitely a trip to Goodwill in my very near future.

I also managed to wrangle the dogs in to the bath tub. Not a fun task but one that was needed. I feel bad that I had to bathe them on a cold and snowy day but the goal is to keep busy so bathe I did. Now they are wet dogs since they hate blow dryers and it's cold out :(

The best part of the day so far has been making brownies. Yum! I figured after all the closet cleaning I could use a little treat. The house smells oddly like wet dog and brownie. Not the best of combinations but oh well.

So for all you readers out there, thanks! I have enjoyed the blogging world so far and look forward to the next 200 posts :)

Reaching out

In my joy over entering the single digits on the unofficial list, I realized that there are some people I "know" who need some positive vibes or prayers or whatever kind thought you can offer. If you have read this blog, you know it took me 9 plus months to find peace in my waiting for little peanut. I had some really bad days in there and while no one can take that away, the kind words I got on those days really helped. Well, it is my turn to give back.

So for those of you who are reading this and still waiting, hope to be waiting soon or have hit a wall emotionally in your adoption journey, how can I help? I know that so many of you have helped me so far through my process and I want to pay it forward.

I make no promises just want to send good thoughts, hugs, prayers, a silly story, whatever I can do to help you get through the day, the week, the month that is bringing you down. I know it can be tough. I am sure I will have some tough days ahead but since I am doing all right at the moment, I want to reach out to those of you who might not be doing all right. I won't pretend that I have a magic cure to make the waiting any easier but I have been told I am a pretty good listener and my virtual hugs aren't that bad either. I also have really silly dogs that I love to take pictures of so if silly pug pictures could brighten your day I can help with that.

Anyway, you have a friend here if you need one. I will keep those of you I "know" and those that I don't in my prayers and will pray for better days ahead. I won't lie and tell you it gets easier; it doesn't. I was able to find peace which I am grateful for and couldn't have done that without all of the wonderful people I have met through this process so if I can in anyway help someone else find peace, I want to try. We can get through this wait, together.

9 to 5 :)

A quick update on this cold and not so pleasant Saturday that warmed my heart and had me dreaming of a place half a world away (again).

We are # 9!!! And # 5 waiting for an infant.

Wow! I know that it could be awhile before we move up again but we just got a little closer to getting to know our peanut. Peanut, when you are ready, we are here waiting for you. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your first family always.

Lost in the moment

Well, I will start with some more amazing news...we are # 10!!! I can hardly believe it. This also means that we are now # 6 (unofficially of course) waiting for an infant. Realistically, we still have some waiting to do but this is all really starting to effect me.

I couldn't resist the urge to contact my specialist today. She said that they are currently up to families with the end of December 2007 dossier dates. She is unsure if we will see more referrals this month and that based on recent past we will likely have to wait until after the 1st of the year for our referral. At first when I read that I was a little bummed but some people were matched with their little ones 2 weeks before they hit the 12 month mark of waiting. That is 4-5 weeks away for us. Could we really be 1 month away from our precious little peanut??? Holy Cow!

As that info has started to set in, I have turned into a total basket case. I am usually pretty stable but this week I have fully lost it. My heart and mind are half a world away. Not a minute goes by where I don't think about peanut, Ethiopia, and peanut's first family. I can't help it. In a few short weeks my family structure will forever change, how can I not think about it?? It has been very hard for me to focus on the day to day tasks. I am more than ready to be a Mom and yet I have so much to do before that happens.

I apologize to everyone I interact with in advance. I am here but not all at the same time. I know that may not make sense to anyone but it is the only way I can describe what I am feeling right now. Maybe distracted is the right word, not really sure. I am for sure in a surreal place. I am pinching myself to make sure this isn't all a dream. I assure you it is not.

I know that my waiting days aren't over but really I am doing okay. In fact I think I need these next few weeks to sort through my own stuff, get ready for peanut and the wait that comes after referral. Oh and I need to finish cleaning up the nursery and put a clear protective coat on the mural. With the holidays, home study update and house prep, I have plenty to do to keep me busy all the while my thoughts are with peanut.

I have a feeling things will fall into place as they should and the next few weeks will be a blur for me. I am feeling a little lost I guess. We are so close but not there yet. We had always said we have plenty of time to get ready and I feel like we are running out of time. This is real. This is now.

My plan is to try and stay calm and remember that when peanut is ready for us our phone will ring. This isn't going to be an easy few weeks. The wondering if peanut is born, is peanut healthy, is peanut's first family okay, is peanut a boy or a girl, a newborn or a few months old??? So much left to find out. So many questions to keep me lost/distracted in the next few weeks. And then after we get the call which will be second best day of my life (the best day will be the day I finally meet peanut), we wait some more. The current estimate from referral to travel is 12-16 weeks. In that time we will have a court date which when we pass will make us officially peanut's parents and then we wait for a birth certificate. Once we get that certificate, we will be able to travel. My cautious estimate if we wait the full 12 months for a referral and then wait 15 weeks to travel it will be right around Mother's Day when we can travel. Wow.....

4 to 6 weeks???

I stumbled across this video today and it gave me food for thought. I realize that I am 4-6 weeks away from the call (hopefully). This one phone call that will forever change my life, the call I have been waiting for for over 10 months now. Yet, I see this video and look back at the highs and lows of this journey and am left with questions. There are some pretty dire situations in Africa and specifically in Ethiopia and yet I obsess waiting for the phone to ring and these people shown in the video are laughing, singing, playing, dancing. They have so little yet so much joy and spirit. I have so much to learn from them.

These next weeks will be intense for sure with the holidays rapidly approaching. I am vowing to take time and reflect on my life, adoption, my new family, the family I may never meet and more. These things bring me joy and I need to not let the circumstances of where I am bring me down. If those beautiful people in Africa can do it then so can I.

Starting to go crazy....

Okay we are now # 11.

I feel like I am in this surreal place right now. I have my phone by my side, the name of a doctor ready to review my referral. Thanks M. Now I just need that darn phone to ring and hopefully soon. We are now # 7 unofficially waiting for an infant. I am well aware that this could just be a batch of referrals and we will be in the next batch which could be next month. I am trying really hard to be realistic even with all of this excitement for the families that have been waiting with me. I know at some point our turn will come and I am hoping that will be soon but if I need to wait a month I will. Not happily but I will.

We are still thinking that their might be some more referrals coming in. So far they have all been infants but maybe their will be some toddlers or siblings. That would be great.

More news

I forgot to mention that we have officially registered for Blog Union 2009 in Chicago!!! We put down our deposit. I can't wait to meet everyone and see all of those adorable kiddos.

Oh and the more news part.... We are #12 on the unofficial list and # 8 on the unofficial infant list.

Holy Moly....my brain is really starting to hurt here. I have officially entered the jump everytime my phone rings mode. It took 10 plus months to get here but until I get that I call I will be obsessing over the phone ringing. Thank goodness for caller ID and call waiting and sorry to anyone in advance if I am talking to you and immediately disconnect to answer "the call".

Nesting again :)

Now that the mural is done I have to find other ways to occupy my time. So it is on to cleaning out my dresser, closet and anything else I can get my hands on.

I started with the top of my dresser and then cleaned out all of the drawers. I learned a lot today. I learned that I have entirely too many clothes and currently have 2 large black bags full of clothes to give to Goodwill.

I also learned that I have 25 pairs of various color socks. Yes and this doesn't count the white socks in the other drawer. I also found out that I have nearly 2o tank tops. Layering is in right???

It was nice to get that done. Next on the list is the closet in the master bedroom. This will be a scary task as our closet is let's say a disaster. Thank goodness it has a door we can close. I am forbidden from tackling the closet in the office as a certain someone has used that as a place to hide Christmas gifts so that one will have to wait. We mostly cleaned out the nursery closet before I started the mural so that is done. The rest of the nursery, well that is an entirely different story.

In adoption news, yes we have news. WE ARE # 13!!! And on the unofficial infant list we are #9. A fellow blogging friend of mine got a referral today for a little boy. YEAH ABBY!!!!

World Aids Day

Today is World Aids Day. I am by no means an expert on the subject but for a great read about how you can help, you can read this, posted by a fellow blogging mom adopting from Ethiopia.

Or if you want another way to help kids in Africa who are HIV + and still need to do some holiday shopping you can go to http://www.ahopestore.org/.

So if praying is your thing, please take a few minutes today and say a special pray for people around the world afflicted with HIV or AIDS, for their caregivers and for those researching ways to develop a cure for this terrible disease.

If shopping is your thing go RED. Look for products that give back, a few good examples are GAP RED items, Hallmark RED cards, or go to Starbucks during this holiday season a buy a special RED drink as they will be giving 5 cents of each RED drink sold to the Global Fund.

Right here, right now

I wasn't going to blog today but as I was going to get coffee this morning, I felt I really should put in writing the things going through my head. (And yes, I realize I have a severe addiction to coffee) So the turkey is in the oven, the house is clean and we are waiting for family to arrive yet my mind is far far away.

This is our last Thanksgiving without our little peanut. I am thinking a lot about peanut today and wondering if they are in the care center or even born yet. I am also wondering about peanut's first family and what they might be going through.

I also know that my life today isn't what I thought it would be yet I can't imagine being anywhere but right here, right now. Sure in my head I wouldn't have pictured my life like this but really I believe everything happens for a reason. I am supposed to be right here, right now. I am supposed to be waiting for peanut to find us. As hard as this is, the waiting, it is what I am supposed to be doing.

So 10 years ago, if you asked me what my life would look like I wouldn't have responded that I was waiting to adopt from Ethiopia but I am. And more importantly I want to be. I need to be. My peanut needs me to be. So as I wait to serve dinner to my precious family on this day of Thanksgiving, my thoughts are with you peanut. I have set a place at the table in my heart for you. You will be here next year to share this day with us.

So thank you God for putting me right here, right now. I may not have always understood why things happen but I am thankful for all things past, present and future.

It is finished :)

THE MURAL IS DONE!!!!

I have finally finished the mural in the nursery. It took me just under 1 month to complete the entire project. I LOVE it and I can't wait to show it off to friends and family oh and my local SW.

The one random thought I have been having is what if it scares little peanut?? It is on the wall directly opposite the crib so anytime peanut opens his/her eyes they will see it. I am sure I am just being paranoid, right???

So little peanut, this was a labor of love just for you. I truly hope when you can see it and appreciate it you will love it as much or more than I do.

Wedding Band

Today and for the third time so far, I had to take my wedding ring in to be repaired. I keep bending the prongs holding the stone in and this time I actual broke the top off of one of those prongs. Everytime the jeweler asks me if I wear it next to another ring and everytime I say no. I am just as baffled as he is as to how this keeps happening.

To try and prevent permanent damage, I will no longer wear my wedding ring to work. This was a tough decision because I don't really take it off unless I am going in water or it is being repaired.

I also brought another ring in to be resized today. This was my grandmother's wedding ring. It is a plain silver band and it was entirely too large. (Try a size 9 down to a size 5 1/2) I haven't really discussed resizing this ring with anyone except hubby so I hope no one is upset by it. I am going to wear my newly resized grandmother's ring to work, Ethiopia and a few other places I am sure.

I can pick both of these up at the jeweler on Tuesday and I can't wait. My grandmother's ring is the only thing I really have from her. I do have some toys, a pillow and some other things from my childhood but this is different. This is the ring my grandfather bought for my grandmother and since they are both deceased it means a lot to me.

In adoption news, I heard from my specialist that we probably won't see anymore referrals until December. Guess what, that is next week so let's just hope it is the beginning of December and maybe if we are really lucky we will see some siblings for those at or near the top of the list. Infants are good too :) oh and toddlers :)

Thankful

I had a great weekend. Mostly uneventful. I purchased all the supplies necessary for cooking Thanksgiving dinner and I finally broke down and bought myself some snow boots. I have been in serious denial about needing them but after last winter I really can't deny it anymore.

I got a welcome surprise on Saturday after a crazy day of shopping. When we pulled into the driveway I had a package by the front door. It was Secret Pal gift time. Yeah!! What a great way to get through our 10 months of waiting. So thanks Secret Pal :) I love the children's book and the bib clip. I know both will come in handy.

Then this morning I logged on to the forum and say my favorite word: Referral! That's right we have moved up another spot. We are now #14 on the unofficial list. There are 4 families ahead of us on this unofficial list waiting solely for siblings so on the unofficial infant list we are #10.

So as I saw that and reflected on the weekend. I really have a lot to be thankful for. Thankful that I could afford to buy food for a big dinner and new shoes. Thankful for the kindness of my Secret Pal and thankful that we are getting a little closer to little peanut joining our family.

Adoption milestones in numbers

So there are lots of numbers going through my head and since we hit a really big milestone (unfortunately) tomorrow, I need to process a little.

2--The number of years ago we started our domestic adoption journey with Catholic Charities

1--year ago tomorrow we submitted our application to CHSFS to adopt our little peanut from Ethiopia and officially withdrew from the domestic adoption program

10--months (tomorrow) that we have been officially waiting for the referral of our little peanut

15--our number on the unofficial list

8--(hopefully less) weeks away from the referral for our little peanut

That is the basic rundown of the adoption numbers in my head. There are definitely things I can't count however that are still in my head and they are:

1) the number of new friends I have made through this process

2) how many times a day I think about our little peanut and their first family

I never thought I would get to this point in our process and not have a referral but yet here we are. And really I am doing as best I can with that. I know there is nothing I can do so I need to pray, reflect and wait. We are very busy with the upcoming holidays and that makes the time go by faster which is A-okay in my book. I know our time will come. I know our family will grow and I will be here to love and nurture our little peanut each and every day. I already love this little peanut and can't wait to see their beautiful face.

Hotline update

I have posted before that our agency has a hotline that we can call and get basic program updates. Well I just called and here is what I learned.

1) Expected wait for referral is still approximately 12 months

2)The wait between referral and travel appears to still be 12-16 weeks

3) There are children at the Addis Ababa care center waiting for medical evaluation before being ready for referral.

4) Additional paperwork is being required from the local court (Kebele) in relinquishment cases where there is 1 or 2 living birth parents. CHSFS has being getting this paperwork for awhile so it shouldn't effect timelines too much.

While, I didn't learn anything earth shattering I thought I would share the latest. Please continue to keep single moms in your prayers. There are lots of rumors flying around right now that we are all awaiting verification on. My heart goes out to these women as if the rumors are true their wait times could increase significantly.

Random musings

Okay today has been kind of a blur so bare with me as this post is going to be random.

1) I am definitely a little sleepy and have some sore arms from the shots yesterday.

2) I was scheduling a hair appointment for 8 weeks from now and that it is in January. Wow, that is sneaking up on me quickly. Everyone at the salon hopes I have some good news to share by then.

3) We just found out we are going to the Dells after Christmas. I already made reservations for the dogs at this really cool pet resort.

4) I am super late in sending out my secret pal gift this month and I feel terrible about it.

5) I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner next week for the whole family and have a TON of stuff to do before then.

6) I have book club this weekend and I didn't read the book.

See lots of random thoughts in my head today and I need to make space for more thoughts and more to do lists.

Cute story

I forgot to mention this cute little story about our visit to the travel clinic. So we check in and we both get these forms to fill out with some basic questions.

They asked us when we are travelling and we put spring of 2009 (hopefully) and then asked us about allergies, medications, etc.

Well one question asked for the reason for our travel to Ethiopia. Our options were vacation/pleasure, humanitarian work, education, business and I think there was one other option but none really applied to our situation. I didn't know what to check and I look over to hubby and he made his own option: adoption.

It made me smile :)

Shots x4 and an update :)

Okay I will start with the good news....we are #15!

Today we had our travel clinic appointment. Didn't really learn anything I didn't already know but it was good to go. Obviously, we can't drink the water, eat raw fruits and vegetables and swimming in "fresh" water is highly discouraged.

We both got a polio booster, meningitis, typhoid and yellow fever vaccine. I opted for the typhoid shot and hubby is taking the pills. We went back and forth on whether to get yellow fever and decided to just do it. Our risk of getting it while in Ethiopia is low but I just don't want to worry about that while I am there. So far feeling fine and arms don't hurt. It could take 5-10 days for reactions from yellow fever shot to kick in but those should be minor (fever, headache, overall aches).

We also got a prescription for Malarone for Malaria and one for Zithromax, a broad spectrum antibiotic. We could have gotten Cipro but with it being black labeled and hubby's previous bad reactions to it we opted for Zithromax.

There will be a trip to REI in our future to buy bug spray with at least 30% DEET in it and some spray that we can spray on our clothes that is an insect repellent and lasts through 5 washes. That will be nice as we can spray clothes here and not have to worry about it. The doctor even told us that the DEET spray was safe for babies as long as we didn't put it on their face or hands.

Once we get closer to knowing when we are going we will get travel insurance so if we need medical care while we are there we can be air lifted to Kenya. Just a precaution but will be good to have just in case.

And on a totally random note, there are lots of rumors flying around right now about single parents being able to adopt from Ethiopia and the possible limiting of how many single parents can adopt from an agency each year. I want to send hug HUGS and lots of PRAYERS to all of the single waiters and those with referral or about to start the process. My heart is with you and I hope you get some good news or at the very least some clear answers.

Mad at Target

Well apparently Target screwed up and mispriced the carseats. They have cancelled everyones orders. We got ZERO explanation and only found out because someone went to check the status of their order and saw it was cancelled. A bunch of us are on the phone and writing emails to lodge our complaints.

I am sure nothing will come of it but we have to try. I guess I am just meant to own the Graco 3 in 1 Nautilus seats instead. Oh well... I guess some things in life are too good to be true.

Best Deal Ever!!!

Last night I signed on to my agencies forum and someone posted a link to this carseat. For those of you who don't know, this carseat, the Britax Marathon, normally retails for close to $300. Yes that is right, $300. I would NEVER have purchased this carseat if not for the amazing deal. Are you ready...

We bought this carseat last night online with free shipping for $45. Yes!!!! I couldn't believe it. This is one of the best and highest rated carseats on the market. I only wish I had purchased 2.

We were having a carseat dilemma anyway. We have 2 Graco infant Snugride carseats so that will get us to about 22lbs. then what??? Well it is recommended to keep babies rear facing until about 30lbs. I had my eye on this carseat, the Graco Nautilus 3 in 1. This was the perfect car seat and REALLY affordable. Oh wait it isn't rear facing...ahhhh. That was the only draw back but it is made for children 20-100lbs and converts to a booster. It has a 5 point harness for children up to 65 lbs. This was my carseat.

So now we have a Britax Marathon seat on the way that will last until about 65 lbs or 49 inches and then we have to get a booster seat. We will still need another carseat since we have 2 cars and don't want to be swapping the carseat between vehicles all the time. So unless I see or hear about another fabulous deal on the Britax seats I will probably just get the Graco 3 in 1 seat for our other car.

Pics from the Packer game :)

Here are a few pics from the Packer game yesterday. It was chilly but so worth it. I managed to stay in my seat for the whole game except during halftime and the first part of the 3rd quater. I was in line for the bathroom :(

I realize this last picture is just of the empty seats but it is what the 2 rows in front of us looked like after the 3rd quarter. All of the Bears fans packed up and left. I guess they couldn't take watching the beating anymore...

Okay...

Well we are now #16 and I am shedding tears of pure joy for a fellow forum family JB aka Josie. I know that this wait has been tough for her and all of us and I am so excited for her and her whole family.

Hopefully we will see more good news in the future, in the meantime, I am sending huge hugs to Josie for what should be an awesome weekend!

It took a month but....

WE ARE # 17!!!!!

Yes it has been far too long since we have seen any movement but it finally happened. We have also heard many reports that specialists don't think families waiting for an infant will hit the 12 month or beyond mark and that more referrals should be on the way. Let's hope that is the case. I would love to not be the one that hits that 12 month mark. I don't want any of us to hit that number. We are all very aware of what is happening or about to happen on the other side of the globe but we are also all longing to add a precious little one to our family. We hit 10months next week so that is about 8 weeks left before we hit 12 months. When you talk about it in terms of weeks that isn't so bad. Weeks fly by, months seem to take forever. Maybe it is just me :)

PS: My prayers are with the families and caregivers in Ethiopia who are making very difficult decisions so we all can be parents.

Photo tagged :)

So this person, one of my adoption pals, photo tagged me. I was to take the 4th picture in the 4th file on my computer and explain it. So here it is. This is Sebastian in the summer of 2007 at my in-laws place on the lake. He LOVES this chair. Well, he loves most rocking/reclining chairs but this one seems to be a favorite. If you aren't careful he will steal the chair from you. He is pretty sneaky and super cute! I have to tag 4 people so I tag Kate, Rachel, Cheryl and Leah.

Peace

I can't really explain it but a sense of peace has come over me. I am not carrying around all of this nervous energy and anxiety around when we will get our referral. I started thinking about it today and if there are only 10 or so infant referrals a month then we should have a referral right around the end of January or beginning of February. We hit 12 months in January.

I think I have more thoughts on this but need to reflect some more. I am just feeling peaceful. I don't know if that feeling will last but I sure hope so.

In other news, HAPPY 2nd BIRTHDAY to K and D my two adorable nieces in California. Auntie Cathy is sending big hugs and kisses to you. Have fun in Disneyland :)

A whole new world...

I have always been amazed throughout this international adoption experience how many wonderful people have entered my life. Yesterday was the perfect example.

I got to visit and hang out with this little cutie pie. (Scroll down and you can see him) How can you resist that smile :) His Super Cool Mom invited me over yesterday and shared lots of great info with me. It was great to have someone who has been there and done that to chat with.

She had some really neat toys from here that I really want (hint hint). Super Cool Mom also showed me what a referral looked like, a lifebook and answered a lot of questions and she gave me some great tips too. She gave me the name of a doctor who will look at our referral info and of a great doctor in town who has seen lots of adopted kids. She highly recommended that if we can swing it to travel in Ethiopia prior to starting our planned week with the agency even if only in Addis Ababa.

We talked about travel, the care center, our agency and so much more.I learned about a play group here in town with other Mom's that have adopted from Ethiopia and I got to cure my baby craving. I even came home smelling like baby formula. I know not everyone likes that smell but I miss it. I want that smell back in my house. I digress...

I really was very grateful to have met her yesterday and to learn from her. She and I share similar thoughts on our agency. That things will happen when they are supposed to and that our specialist does the very best that she can with what info she has and can share. Some days that is easier to believe than others but it helped tremendously to hear it from an adoptive mom.

All in all is was a great day, one of the better days that I have had since we started this process. It gave me a lot to think about and to anticipate. I look forward to the day when I can join Super Cool Mom and her little cutie at play group with the all the other beautiful little ones.

Picture of the mural

Here is the mural in its current state. This will be the last picture I post before it is done. I am getting closer and thanks to Abby hopefully have a solution to my sunshine issue. My guess is that I will be completely done in the next week or so.

I mentioned yesterday that I had a really neat play date scheduled today. I am still trying to put in to words how awesome the hour and half I spent today with one cute little boy and his really cool Mom was. The time deserves its own post so tomorrow after some reflection I will post on.

Surprises

Someone started a thread about what has surprised us the most by this whole crazy ride of Ethiopian adoption. I responded there but thought I would share here too. I am not going to list how long it has taken because that is a given but here are some other things that have really surprised me.

1) How in love I am with a family I don't know and a country I haven't been to yet.

I wasn't really prepared for the deep emotions I would have and that will probably only intensify about Ethiopia and about our little ones first family. I pray for them everyday.

2)How draining this process can be emotionally and physically.

I never in my wildest dreams thought it would be this hard. I thought TTC would be so much harder than this. I was wrong. Both are hard but with TTC there was a more definite timeline and plan of action and with adoption there is a TON of waiting and a lot of unknowns. That really has taken a toll on me.

3) How many people have entered my life that I don't know yet but consider to be friends and supporters.

I could never have imagined all the wonderful people we have met. It has been beyond fabulous to share stories, frustrations and joys with them. Some of them I will meet someday and others I may not but we will always be connected. Isn't the Internet amazing... With our domestic adoption attempt, we were very alone. We didn't have this amazing support network and since we were with a small agency we didn't really know any of the families also going through the process. With our Ethiopia adoption, we have entered a whole new place full of amazing families and hopefully play groups in the future.

4) How at peace and certain I was that adoption was for us.

I can't take full credit for this thought but it rang so true for me. This huge weight lifted off my shoulders when we decided to adopt from Ethiopia. Everything fell into place. What was so muttled and jumbled in my head suddenly made sense.

5) How truly okay I am with not getting pregnant.

It took me awhile to get to this place but I am so okay with it. In fact there is part of me that can't even imagine getting pregnant. Not saying that if by some crazy miracle I were to get pregnant I wouldn't be ecstatic, I would for sure but adoption will start my family and we are already talking about adoption #2.

6) How amazing my friends and family have been.

Not all of our friends and family know the intimate details of our TTC but they do know about the highs and lows of our adoption journey. We hit one speed bump with our adoption journey and a family member but all is forgotten. Everyone is on board to support us and be excited with us.

I know our journey isn't over and I am sure once we have our referral and travel more things will surprise me but this is where I am today. As for what will lie ahead all I can do is sit back, wait and try to enjoy the bumpy ride.

What lies ahead...

This week presents itself to be very random and pretty exciting all at the same time. I do have to work 5 days this week but the days that I am not working are going to be exciting.

Let's start with Tuesday:

Hubby and I are getting our last Hepatitis A and B shots early tomorrow. I then have a few hour break in which I need to give the dogs a bath, clean the bathrooms and eat some lunch. After lunch, I am going on a play date. Yes, I have a play date with a very special little boy adopted from Ethiopia by one pretty cool Mom. This will be the first time that I meet these two but I am so excited. Super cool Mom offered to have me over to cheer me up. How cool is that?? I would say pretty darn cool. She swears her son will charm the pants off of me so I can't wait!

Then after a string of boring days at work we hit Sunday:

Me, hubby, a 2 plus hour car ride and football. I am going to the Packers vs. Bears game at Lambeau field. It is going to be cold but hopefully not too cold. It may snow but hopefully it won't. This will be my second game at Lambeau. I am sure it will be a lot of fun. It is going to be an all day affair though. We are hoping to leave by 7:30 or 8 in the morning and probably will return home about 12 hours later. WOW!

In mural news, I will take a picture soon. Maybe tomorrow. I have hit a bit of a snag as the yellow for the sun isn't really covering the trace lines very well. I have now done 4 coats of bright yellow and can still see the outline. AHHHH.... I am sure I will figure it out. I am open to suggestions if anyone has any....

It has arrived...ICK!

Have I mentioned that I HATE winter!!!! Well, it is here sort of. Not on the calendar but in the weather. It was full on snowing today. ICK!!!!

I am not ready for winter. Especially since more and more people are telling me that we will exceed last years snowfall total of 100 plus inches. How is that even possible??? Where in the world will we find room for all of that snow???

I don't like being cold or wet. I hate driving in the winter with the blowing snow and the icy roads and the semi-trucks that drive WAY too fast. Can't we skip it this year??? I mean, really we had enough snow last year. We don't need anymore.

Now I have to put my winter coat back together, find a matching pair of gloves that aren't destroyed from all the shovelling last year and find my knit hat. I think I need a new hat and some new gloves if I recall correctly. And scarf, not sure where that is either.

I really only have a couple pair of shoes that are winter savvy. I am kind of in denial that I need snow boots. I look at them every year in the Land's End catalog and convince myself that I don't need them. When I first started dating my husband and would fly out here to visit there was barely any snow covering the ground. I mean you could still see the grass. I was lulled in to a false sense of what winter was and now that I live here it is TERRIBLE. So much worse than I thought it would be.

I know I am being really dramatic but that is the Gemini in me rearing one side of its ugly head. I am just hoping that all the reports of projected snowfall are wrong and winter will be gone before I know it. At least one positive thing should come out of winter: MY REFERRAL!!!

Updated picture of the mural

Here is the most recent photo of the mural. I feel like the end is merely a few days away. I did realize today that I am missing one color so I will have to make a return trip to Michael's for that. Most of the animals are done except for the zebras and a couple of fish. I chose to do the black and white last so it still looks weird to have animals with no faces but those are coming. Then we have the sun and the rest of the rainbow. There are a few things I may touch up still but I really feel like it is 70% done.

I have kind of been avoiding blogging lately as I don't have lots of good things to say. It has been confirmed that we will wait at least 12 months for a referral. I have been trying to come to terms with this. I mean really it is only a few months away until we hit 12 months anyway. I just need to get through the holidays. Luckily we will be very busy with holiday festivities so that should help the time go by faster.

And as everyone is talking about the election, I feel like I should as well. I did not vote for Obama and I don't agree with his politics. However, this is a historic event in American history and I get to be a part of it. More importantly and politics aside, as a future parent to black children, it will be amazing to say to my children that they really can be anything they want to in this country.

ETA: I realize that my children cannot at this time be President of this great country. I guess my point is that this country has come so far and that a black President is a good example for our children that if they work hard and follow their dreams, they too can be successful. Just wanted to clarify.

Mural part 4

Here are some recent pictures of the mural. The first one was from this weekend and the second one is what it looks like right now. Painting is definitely bringing me peace and I am really enjoying it.

In other news:

First, I want to send a HUGE thank you and lots of HUGS to all the wonderful women who sent me kind words and encouragement after my last post. It means so much to me. It really did help. I am still a little down but to know there are such amazing women out there going through this with me and supporting me through it helps. And any time you need me to return the hugs or encouragement I will be there for sure.

Second, the reason I am still down is yes adoption related. I am having to readjust my expectations again. It now appears that my chances of seeing a picture of my baby before the end of the year are next to none. It could happen but is very unlikely. There is some speculation that we will most likely wait at least 12 months for a referral which for us is January. I am still hoping to be home with baby by Mother's Day next year or maybe my birthday also in May. I don't know if that will happen but that is what I am hoping for.

There aren't a lot of answers as to why things are the way they are. Such is International Adoption and this leads to lots of frustration. I know I am strong enough to deal with this but it isn't easy. I am just going to take a deep breath and keep myself VERY busy and hopefully the next few months just fly on by.

In a funk

So I have been in a bit of funk lately that I just can't shake. I think it is the holiday season rapidly approaching. Every year for the last 5 years I have said "At this time next year we should have our baby..." Well here we are another holiday season and we are still waiting for our baby.

I am trying to keep myself occupied so I don't think about it but it is hard. I know that I am being totally selfish. I realize that something truly sad has to happen for my baby to find me but I want that darn phone to ring.

We are going on almost one month of no referrals again and that stinks. There are people at my agency 2 weeks away from hitting the 12 month mark. My heart goes out to them. I know what kinds of crazy thoughts are going through my head so I just can't imagine what they are thinking. There are just these days where hope for the start of our family goes out the window. Today has been one of those days.

Halloween is such a kid oriented day and last year we really thought we would have an adorable little one to dress up and enjoy the day with. Instead I carved a pumpkin just so my dog could lick it off and I am here tonight handing out candy to all the adorable little kids of my friends. I will plaster on a smile and fake my way through it and again tell myself that at this time next year I will have a baby.

Blog Union 2009

I just learned about this Ethiopian Blog Union 2009. I am so excited about this. It is for families who have adopted from Ethiopia and are bloggers. That will be me! The best part is that next year it is in Chicago. YEAH!!!

I have said on more than one occasion that the friends I have made through blogging are what is getting me through my 9 plus month wait. They get it. They have been there, are there or will be there soon. They understand the good days and the bad. It will be so great to get to meet some of my fellow bloggers in person.

If you are a blogger and adopting from Ethiopia, click on the link above and sign up. This is the second annual Blog Union. I heard briefly about the first one and wished I could have been there.

The one slight down fall is trying to convince hubby that this would be a great way to spend our 10th wedding anniversary. We have time to decide but I RSVP'd yes because I REALLY want to go and I know we will make it work.

Mural part 3

This is a BIG project but oh so much fun. Here is what it looks like now. I am painting by color so hence there are only 2 colors completed so far. So I have a boat, a roof, 2 headless giraffes and a few waves.

Happy Birthday to my oldest and dearest friend!

To my dearest friend:

I cannot be with you today but I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday. I know you are boarding a plane and heading to Montana so I didn't want you to think I forgot about you if I can't get ahold of you today.

I could never forget about you. Who else answers the phone when I am in tears and has been there for me when I needed them the most. You have been more than I could ever ask for in a friend. You are truly amazing and I am so glad we met freshman year of high school. I can't imagine my life without you.

I know we live thousands of miles apart but that hasn't stopped us. Sure there are times we don't talk as much as we want. We are really good at phone tag but you will always be my bestest friend.

Over the last 17 plus years we have been through the highs and the lows. The weddings, the babies or trying to have babies and so much more. Distance will never keep us apart. I miss you like crazy. Oh to go back to the days of chips and salsa and Days of Our Lives...

I hope you have a fabulous trip and the girls travel well. I can't wait to hear how it goes. So Happy Birthday and thanks for being my friend.

Love Ya!

Secret Pal gift and mural part 2

I decided to only do one coat of white so we taped up the pattern last night. That was a little bit of a chore but we did it. Today I spent 3 plus hours tracing the pattern on the wall. Yes you read that right. It was nuts! I tried to take a picture of the traced pattern on the wall but those didn't come out too well. Just imagine the picture below without the seams and white paper and that is what the wall currently looks like. I still may paint a little today but I am taking a break. My hand hurts!
Yesterday, when I checked the mail I found a package from my Secret Pal. I always love those days each month. When I opened the package inside was the adorable toy you see below. I had so much fun pulling the toy around the living room. That is until the dogs discovered what I was doing and decided that this was their new toy. So I put it away for safe keeping and we will face that battle once baby starts playing with it.

Still not a lot of adoption news to report. A family did get a court date for December 16th. So that was exciting. Hopefully more families will get court dates soon and we will start to see those referrals pouring in.

Mural part 1

Well the time has finally come to start the mural for the nursery. Dave even helped. I needed help taping off the area that will be the mural so I could paint that white. He even got to use his new laser level so we could make sure it was all even and straight. So here is a picture of our yellow walls with the blue tape outline for the mural. The mural is 5 feet 5 inches tall and 6 feet and 10 inches wide.


Below is a white rectangle that will be the background for the mural. I am unsure if I will paint 2 coats or leave it at one. I have to wait for it to dry and then check. I am leaning towards leaving it since I am putting more paint on top. We shall see...

So the next step is to tape up the pattern and trace it on the wall. I am hoping to do that tonight. Tomorrow, I am going to one of my favorite places. Michael's (the craft store not the custard place). I have to purchase the paint for the actual mural and the detail brushes that I will need.

It is the perfect time to start this project as the weather outside has become quite cold and I even saw snow flakes/sleet today. Yuck! It will be nice to have a project to focus on in the nice warm house.

So far no adoption news to report, hopefully soon!

Sleepy pugs

Guilty as charged. We love our dogs and can't help taking pictures of them even if they are trying to sleep. But they are so darn cute we just can't resist. See for yourself..

So here is Sebastian all wrapped up in the blanket one night.

We have proof that Sebastian does like Badger. Aren't they adorable cuddling on the couch together? We thought so. Badger can be a pest but when it is cold in the house Sebastian is A-okay with snuggling.

Badger loves to sleep under blankets. At night he sleeps under the covers in our bed. It is like we have our own heated blanket and it muffles his snoring which is a big plus.

Stay tuned for the first stages of mural painting...

A reflection on 9 months of waiting

Well it happened. We have hit the 9 month mark of waiting for our baby. I have been thinking a lot about what I would post on this day and I am still not sure if I have my thoughts together so bare with me.

First, when I started this process to adopt internationally 11 months ago, I never thought based on the timelines given when we applied that I wouldn't have my baby home with me by now. Oh the things I have learned about myself, my friends and international adoption....

As for things I have learned about myself:

1) I am a control freak. I don't like not being able to fix things or speed things up. It has been VERY difficult for me to let go of the control and truly believe that my baby will find me when the timing is just right, which leads to my next observation.

2) I am not a patient person. This I have known for awhile but international adoption has in some ways made me more patient and in others made me less patient. There have been times in this 9 months that I have been really easy going and others when I have been pretty down and out.

3) I have fallen in love with a child, country, and culture that I have never seen or experienced. Yes, it is true. I love my baby(and their first family), Ethiopia and all the traditions and culture that come with it. I have so much more to learn but my heart and head are wide open absorbing as much as I can.

4) I am selfish. Yes, I see my adoption as a selfish act. I want to be a mother so I am adopting. I don't want to be thanked or hear how blessed my little one is to be able to join my family. I feel exactly the opposite. I should be thanking our baby's first family for allowing me to raise their baby as my own. I am the one who is blessed to be able to do this.

What I have learned about my friends:

1) I have more friends than I thought and most of them I don't know personally. Through blogging and the forum, I have interacted with so many amazing people. I have learned so much from them, sent virtual hugs to them, gotten angry for them, cried with them, rejoiced with them, prayed with them and for them. I couldn't survive this process without them.

2) I have friends that get it and friends that never will. This is tough. We chose to start our family through adoption. There were other paths out there but none that made sense for us. I have friends who are standing in my corner cheering me on and others who are unsure how to react at all.

What I have learned about international adoption:

1) It is not as "easy" as it looks. I have heard how lucky we are or how easy it is to adopt rather than get pregnant and have a baby. Wrong answer. This is tough. Emotionally tough. We have to let go and put a lot of trust and faith in the system which is not easy to do. We don't get a due date or milestones along the way. We get nothing until we get the call and then we wait some more.

2) Timelines change and that really stinks. When we signed up we were quoted 6-9 months for a referral. Then we were told 10 months and now we are being told to expect 12 months and be surprised if it happens sooner. This has probably been the toughest part. 5 months ago after 4 months of waiting I blogged about being half way done with the wait, boy was that wrong.

3) You have to have faith. Whether it is faith in God (which I have) or faith in the system, you have to believe. I believe that adopting from Ethiopia is the right path for our family and I know it will happen but I have to keep telling myself that.

4) I may not always like the answers to the questions I ask and I may not get answers at all. This is a tough one too. I try to be hands off and not bug anyone but as the months tick by, I do have questions and I hear the same answers a lot. "Nothing is predictable; we don't know how many children or of what age will come into care; we can't say for sure you will get your referral by the end of the year; International adoption is unpredictable; Prepare for 12 months and be pleasantly surprised if you get a referral before than." I have pretty much heard all of these. I understand why I have to hear these answers but sometimes I just want more. I know our agency doesn't want to get anyone's hopes up or say one thing one day and then have to change it but sometimes that just isn't good enough. On those days, I have to take a deep breath and remember that this is going to happen and I just have to wait.

All in all this has not been the easiest 9 months of my life but it also hasn't been the hardest. I know that I am strong enough to tough this out and I will wait for my little one to find me. I have to. They are counting on me just as much as I am counting on them. I will be a Mom someday and sure I want that day to be soon but I also have waited 5 plus years to be a Mom so I can't wait a little longer. I know we are nearing (hopefully) the end of our wait for a referral. I am still optimistic that we will see our beautiful baby's face by the end of the year. So let's see those referrals start flying in so I don't have to write another post like this in a few months....

Living on a Budget

I have been thinking about money and budgets lately. We were VERY lucky when we lived in California to be able to live rent/utility free. Yeah I know a blessing. So our only monthly expenses were for the car payment, cell phone, credit card bill, and any shopping we did for groceries, clothes oh and the 6/7 days a week we ate out.

Now that we have entered the grown up world of owning a home things are VERY different. We have a mortgage payment, student loan bills, cell phone, cable/Internet, utilities, and the list goes on and on. Uck.... So we came up with a budget which allowed us to include all of our bills plus a little to save each month. In essence we are forcing ourselves to save money each month which is good but it makes us not able to do everything we want to each month.

I know some day we will be grateful for the savings but in the present I have realized a few things.

1) No house cleaner: It was my hope to be able to hire someone to come every other week to clean the house. We could do this or put money in a retirement account. We chose retirement account. I have a day off in the middle of the week so I have been doing things around the house on those days to stay caught up.

2) No quitting my job: This is a big bummer for me. I may decide to change jobs post baby but for the short term I will continue to work so we can continue to save, hopefully remodel the basement, and of course start the process for baby #2.

3) No new car: We have an 8 year old car that we were thinking of getting rid of next year. We might wait one more year or if we do get rid of it, we may decide to keep our leased vehicle at the end of the term and just finance the rest.

4) Planning ahead: We need to plan when we will make purchases outside of our budget. We don't want to charge things on the credit card as we pay that off each month and would like to keep it that way. So in order to make sure we have that little extra for a special purchase, we have to plan ahead.

5) Eating at home: We usually only eat out on Friday nights and then maybe Saturday. I cook the rest of the week. I actually don't mind cooking. I kind of like it. I have learned to make a big pot of my own spaghetti sauce and freeze the rest so we can have 6 or 7 meals out of it. I make a lot of chicken dishes and even know how to make a pretty yummy pesto chicken risotto.

In reality this is no big deal, it is just a big change from what we were used to. Living on a budget is forcing us to be more responsible and not buy things we don't really need or at least think about it before we buy something.