Love. I am blessed to have a lot of love in my life. I am going on 14 years of marriage and I have these amazing little girls that light up my life.
But here is the thing, I didn't fall in love with any of those wonderful people listed above overnight. It took time. Did I love them from the start, well yes but was I in love with them, no.
I have always felt that with my husband it was love at first sight. We just clicked. Was I really and truly in love with him from day one, no. It took us sometime to get to know each other and find our groove. The same goes for my children.
Kiya was this tiny little peanut when we first saw her picture. She was fragile and scared and a mere 6 weeks old. I knew I loved her when I saw her sweet face but I didn't have that deep down to my core love for her yet. Four months after we saw her face we headed to Ethiopia to pick her up. I kicked into survival mode. Yes I loved her but I still wasn't in love with her. I was worried about meeting her basic needs. I was in fake it until you make it mode.
We got home and I spent 14 weeks with Kiya before I had to go back to work. The day I dropped her off at daycare for the first time was the day it hit me like a brick in the face. This little girl was a part of me. She was mine and I was hers. We did it. We had bonded and I had fallen in love.
Katie was 4 months old when we saw her face. Again, I knew I loved her because I knew she was my daughter and moms love their daughters. That said we waited 13 months before we were able to actually hold her in our arms. We watched this baby grow up to be a toddler in pictures. It was easy to get disconnected. I had to. I couldn't focus on the wait. I had a full time job and we had Kiya to think about.
When we did meet Katie, I again went in to survival mode. And survival mode with an infant is a heck of a lot easier than with a toddler. Holy moly. What did we just do? Katie was this sweet little person with a big stubborn streak and a language barrier.
I struggled. She struggled. I had no idea what she wanted or needed and she had no idea who I was. This was going to be a process. And a process it was.
The hardest part was food for sure and we still struggle with that daily but Katie was very independent. She was walking. She refused to take a bottle starting the day we met. She wasn't in to co-sleeping. Everything we thought we would use to help build attachment wasn't what Katie wanted to do.
I remember after just a few months home, I had a moms weekend on the calendar. I so needed a break. I was still in fake it until you make it mode and I was stressed out. My poor friends who were stuck in the car with me for hours in the middle of nowhere Indiana. They listened to my truth. They dried my tears. They offered support and advice. Returning home from this weekend I was refreshed. Many would say I should never have left Katie after she had been home for just a few months but I needed it. I needed to regroup and think and figure it out.
After that weekend, I made it my mission to find a way to connect to my daughter and get out of fake it mode. I started to hug her more and snuggle her more. I called her over to sit in my lap which she didn't always want to do and that was okay. I tried to give her some space and get down and really interact with her. It was a slow process.
I was working with her on words and showing her pictures of the family and naming who was who. We would do this a lot after Kiya was at school and flashcards too. For a long time when we said point to "mama" she would point to herself. She knew who Kiya was. She knew who Daddy was. She would get there. She would see me as her mama in time.
My heart longed for this little girl to love me. I wanted to be more than just her caregiver. I knew from talking with other adoptive moms that it was going to take time so I settled in and kept on faking until it all clicked into place.
One day sweet little Katie walked up to me and said "Mama, kiss" and proceeded to kiss me all on her own. She had usually given hugs and kisses if we asked unless she was being silly and sassy but that day she actually asked for a kiss and she called me mama. My heart melted. I knew we had turned a corner and sure enough things were different. She was more snuggly. She gave more hugs and kisses on her own. Even little things like that her hugs were tighter warmed my heart.
Katie has been home 8 months now and of the first 7 months I spent all but 2 days with her. She in the last month has started daycare a few days a week to start the socialization process. I was excited to have some me time back even if I spend it doing laundry and grocery shopping. That said I had a tremendous amount of anxiety about dropping her off with strangers. They weren't strangers to me but to her. The night before I had to drop her off for the first time I cried myself to sleep. That is the moment I knew I had fallen in love. My little sidekick wasn't going to be glued to me every waking moment anymore and while she and I in reality both needed the break I was surprisingly really sad. We did it though. I dropped her off. She cried. But we both survived and now when we watch shows before dinner she comes and snuggles with me on the couch without even having to ask.
I can proudly say there is no more faking it. While I have loved both of my girls from the day I first saw their faces, I am also in love with both of my girls. I may not have given birth to them but we belong to each other. We need each other and most importantly we love each other.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
It's official!
Today we were able to finalize Katie's adoption. Her Nana and Papa came along for the celebration.
We were in and out of court in less than 10 minutes. The judge was very soft spoken and sweet. He gave both of the girls a stuffed animal and we were on our way. It was so fast. Our hearing was at 9 and we were done at 9. Our social worker missed the hearing it was so fast.
We have one more check to write and that will officially close our file at Catholic Charities. It has been open and active since 2006. I can hardly believe it. We are very blessed indeed. The road to our children was long and bumpy but was so worth it. These girls are amazing and crazy but I love than more than life itself and couldn't imagine my life without them. Everything has happened as it should have even if we didn't know it at the time.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
EmBracing our summer?
One month from today Kiya will be cast free and sporting a new TLSO brace. I am excited and terrified. She is confused.
Last night she asked me why she wasn't getting a new cast. Her direct quote "but mommy I always wear a cast."
She is right. For as long as she can remember she has worn a cast whether it was pink, green, blue and pink or blue and purple like her current selection. She got her first cast in September of 2010. Wow. We are almost 3 years in to this bumpy curvy road.
We have seen a lot of lows along the way and a few glimmers of hope and a whole lot of nothing new. Her curve took a big hit when she spent 2 1/2 months out of cast due to a gravel induced granuloma that took that long to heal. In September 2010 she was 52 degrees out of cast. When she got her second cast in January 2011 she was 64 degrees out of cast.
Cast 3 brought us down to 62 and cast 4 brought us up to 66 degrees out of cast. Then we finally got some long awaited good news between cast 5 and 6 she had gotten and held 20 degrees of correction. Hallelujah. It was finally working. We weren't putting our kid under general anesthesia every 12 weeks for nothing. The hope of these numbers kept me going. Kept hope and faith alive.
Then the day of cast 7 arrives. I was hopeful we would hear a number below 45 degrees. We heard no change. Sigh. Okay, no change is better than worse a wise woman told me. Cast day for casts, 8, 9 and 10 brought us the same news. No change. Each time the doc is getting her down to 15 degrees or so in cast. I am frustrated. Her doctor is frustrated.
I couldn't face yet another summer of saying no to the swim lessons she so desperately wanted. I also felt we needed to build her strength. So after talking it over with other cast moms, my husband, our care coordinator and our doctor, we all agreed that Kiya could be cast free this summer. Brace break here we come.
She is excited that she can take swim lessons. I am in the process of getting her a private instructor. We are also going to do physical therapy and possibly dance. I plan on not wasting a second of this gift. That said I am terrified. What if her curve gets worse? What if it holds at 45?
I don't do well with the unknown. I want answers and there are no answers or quick fixes. Reality is and we have told Kiya this that she will spend 4k in a cast. She is already talking about what color she wants. She says this now but I wonder how a removable brace will affect her excitement over her next cast color....
Our doctor is willing to cast her as long as we want. The older she is getting the more she is not liking talking about her cast and others seeing her cast. She has been better about it lately but she has her moments. Kids are curious and sometimes cruel and I worry for her. She had one little boy in preschool ask about it and she walked away and said she didn't want to talk about it. Which I have told her is fine it is up to her what she wants to share. She can tell you she has a curvy back or sometimes she says she has scoliosis just like she can tell you she was adopted and was born in Ethiopia. Both stories are hers to share at the level she wants to share.
I am scared. I don't know what the future holds but I know for sure that the outcome of this brace break will tell us a lot. If her curve can hold it gives us hope that if and when we pull the plug on casting, her curve will hold so she can grow and get bigger before facing surgery. If her curve were to get worse, well than we cast and cast and cast until casting just won't work for her or us anymore and then depending on where we are she may face surgery at a younger age than I would like.
I had always hoped and prayed that major spine surgery/surgeries would never be in her future. Reality is hitting me hard that we may not be able to avoid it. She still has a severe curve even though it is 20 degrees better than it was at its worst. I pray daily that the 45 number will go down but it hasn't in a year so hope is hard to hold onto especially since her age works against her. She is still flexible so I hold onto that for now. It is getting hard though.
She is my baby girl that I waited 6 years for. She is my sunshine. She is my light. I want to protect her. I want to shield her. But this darn curvy back gets the best of me sometimes. She as always is a rock star and I know that no matter where this path takes us she will bounce back and be amazing.
Deep breaths and one day at a time as we both try to EmBrace this summer and enjoy every second without regard to what the future will hold. We can deal with the reality in August right?
Last night she asked me why she wasn't getting a new cast. Her direct quote "but mommy I always wear a cast."
She is right. For as long as she can remember she has worn a cast whether it was pink, green, blue and pink or blue and purple like her current selection. She got her first cast in September of 2010. Wow. We are almost 3 years in to this bumpy curvy road.
We have seen a lot of lows along the way and a few glimmers of hope and a whole lot of nothing new. Her curve took a big hit when she spent 2 1/2 months out of cast due to a gravel induced granuloma that took that long to heal. In September 2010 she was 52 degrees out of cast. When she got her second cast in January 2011 she was 64 degrees out of cast.
Cast 3 brought us down to 62 and cast 4 brought us up to 66 degrees out of cast. Then we finally got some long awaited good news between cast 5 and 6 she had gotten and held 20 degrees of correction. Hallelujah. It was finally working. We weren't putting our kid under general anesthesia every 12 weeks for nothing. The hope of these numbers kept me going. Kept hope and faith alive.
Then the day of cast 7 arrives. I was hopeful we would hear a number below 45 degrees. We heard no change. Sigh. Okay, no change is better than worse a wise woman told me. Cast day for casts, 8, 9 and 10 brought us the same news. No change. Each time the doc is getting her down to 15 degrees or so in cast. I am frustrated. Her doctor is frustrated.
I couldn't face yet another summer of saying no to the swim lessons she so desperately wanted. I also felt we needed to build her strength. So after talking it over with other cast moms, my husband, our care coordinator and our doctor, we all agreed that Kiya could be cast free this summer. Brace break here we come.
She is excited that she can take swim lessons. I am in the process of getting her a private instructor. We are also going to do physical therapy and possibly dance. I plan on not wasting a second of this gift. That said I am terrified. What if her curve gets worse? What if it holds at 45?
I don't do well with the unknown. I want answers and there are no answers or quick fixes. Reality is and we have told Kiya this that she will spend 4k in a cast. She is already talking about what color she wants. She says this now but I wonder how a removable brace will affect her excitement over her next cast color....
Our doctor is willing to cast her as long as we want. The older she is getting the more she is not liking talking about her cast and others seeing her cast. She has been better about it lately but she has her moments. Kids are curious and sometimes cruel and I worry for her. She had one little boy in preschool ask about it and she walked away and said she didn't want to talk about it. Which I have told her is fine it is up to her what she wants to share. She can tell you she has a curvy back or sometimes she says she has scoliosis just like she can tell you she was adopted and was born in Ethiopia. Both stories are hers to share at the level she wants to share.
I am scared. I don't know what the future holds but I know for sure that the outcome of this brace break will tell us a lot. If her curve can hold it gives us hope that if and when we pull the plug on casting, her curve will hold so she can grow and get bigger before facing surgery. If her curve were to get worse, well than we cast and cast and cast until casting just won't work for her or us anymore and then depending on where we are she may face surgery at a younger age than I would like.
I had always hoped and prayed that major spine surgery/surgeries would never be in her future. Reality is hitting me hard that we may not be able to avoid it. She still has a severe curve even though it is 20 degrees better than it was at its worst. I pray daily that the 45 number will go down but it hasn't in a year so hope is hard to hold onto especially since her age works against her. She is still flexible so I hold onto that for now. It is getting hard though.
She is my baby girl that I waited 6 years for. She is my sunshine. She is my light. I want to protect her. I want to shield her. But this darn curvy back gets the best of me sometimes. She as always is a rock star and I know that no matter where this path takes us she will bounce back and be amazing.
Deep breaths and one day at a time as we both try to EmBrace this summer and enjoy every second without regard to what the future will hold. We can deal with the reality in August right?
Monday, April 8, 2013
Is it toddler related or adoption related?
That is the age old question that runs through my head daily. Adopting a toddler is hard work. Really hard work. Katie spent 17 months with someone else. That stinks. She has been with us for 7 months and things today are much better than they were but every day at least once I ask myself is this a toddler thing or adoption thing?
You see here is the problem. Katie is now 2 and while the 2's were a piece of cake with Kiya, Katie seems to have a different definition of what being two is. She is full of emotion, cries at the drop of a hate, stomps her feet if she doesn't get her way, lays down on the floor and ignores you. With this last one if you go to pick her up often she will buckle her knees and collapse to the floor. If I need to put her in a time out/in for a blatant rule violation, like throwing wood blocks, she will sit there but will cry for the entire 2 minutes with her eyes closed and her bottom jaw jutted out and drooling. Yup fun.
Now we were well aware that adopting a toddler would be very different than adopting a baby. Did I read a ton of books about toddler adoption, attachment, sleep, etc? Nope. Not a single one. I was a part of many facebook groups that surround adoption and specifically Korean adoption. I thought I was prepared. I thought I can deal with the sleep issues, attachment, grief,etc.
Did we have sleep issues? Nope not really. Within one month of being home, Katie was falling asleep in her own room in her own bed all by herself. It was a little bit of an adjustment but not at all terrible. She is a fantastic sleeper and sporadic napper but nothing here to worry about. Co-sleeping while recommended by some was not going to work for this family so we chose to not really do it and work up to her sleeping on her own. She wakes up happy and looking for Kiya and mommy and daddy.
Attachment issues, well I spent every day of our first 7 months together with her but 2. She calls me mama or mommy. She calls Dave her daddy. Kiya is eya. She hugs and kisses all of us. She will if in the right mood spontaneously come up and give a big hug and say "love you". She snuggles in my lap which I LOVE. She looks back to us and checks in with us in new situations. She cries when I leave her. Yes I see this as a good thing because she misses me. I am her favorite by far ok well Kiya is but she is bonded and attached. Bottle feeding is recommended by some to promote attachment. We didn't pursue or force this. Katie refused to drink a bottle from the day we met her so we didn't push it.
Grief that is a tough one. Katie has no reaction all to pictures of her foster mom. We have no pictures of her foster father so not sure about that one. She cried slightly when her foster mom handed her to me in the van but then snuggled into me and fell asleep.
Food is and was her issue. We went through a very rough period the first 5 days home. Now we are just tyring to figure out if she is gluten intolerant, lactose intolerant or something else. This has been a stressor for me as once I think we have something figured out I get a not so pleasant reminder that dealing with an unstable gut is less than fun and takes time.
She has been in daycare for 2 weeks now. She cries at drop off but settles within a few minutes. She is eating and napping there. She is happy as a clam when I pick her up. She is learning how to play with other kids her age as some days she just wants to follow her teachers around.
So back to my daily question...is her behavior toddler related or is it adoption related? I am not sure I will ever be able to answer that question. You see she is a toddler and well she is still learning the language which comes with adopting a toddler. I am not sure reading a book or two or three would help me answer this question. Time will help and getting to know Katie and her triggers. Since she started daycare we actually see less of the tantrumy behavior.
Am I rushing out to get an attachment therapist? Nope. Am I calling a speech therapist because she says gilk instead of milk or groken instead of broken. Nope. She is saying more and more words every day and she can understand and follow multiple step directions if she feels like it..2 year olds are moody sometimes. She is putting more are more words together and at her 2 year check was on the low end of normal in speech for kids her age which I would say is not half bad for hearing English for at that point only 6 months. Did I call Birth to 3 as soon as she got home? Nope. Will I call them? We shall see. They were a great help with Kiya but I don't think we need them.
Now this is what is working for us. I understand that every kid is different and every parent is different. We all find ways to adjust to our new toddlers but for us reality was we had another child at home. Kiya demands and commands a lot of attention and has her own unique situations that need to be addressed and dealt with.
You see here is the problem. Katie is now 2 and while the 2's were a piece of cake with Kiya, Katie seems to have a different definition of what being two is. She is full of emotion, cries at the drop of a hate, stomps her feet if she doesn't get her way, lays down on the floor and ignores you. With this last one if you go to pick her up often she will buckle her knees and collapse to the floor. If I need to put her in a time out/in for a blatant rule violation, like throwing wood blocks, she will sit there but will cry for the entire 2 minutes with her eyes closed and her bottom jaw jutted out and drooling. Yup fun.
Now we were well aware that adopting a toddler would be very different than adopting a baby. Did I read a ton of books about toddler adoption, attachment, sleep, etc? Nope. Not a single one. I was a part of many facebook groups that surround adoption and specifically Korean adoption. I thought I was prepared. I thought I can deal with the sleep issues, attachment, grief,etc.
Did we have sleep issues? Nope not really. Within one month of being home, Katie was falling asleep in her own room in her own bed all by herself. It was a little bit of an adjustment but not at all terrible. She is a fantastic sleeper and sporadic napper but nothing here to worry about. Co-sleeping while recommended by some was not going to work for this family so we chose to not really do it and work up to her sleeping on her own. She wakes up happy and looking for Kiya and mommy and daddy.
Attachment issues, well I spent every day of our first 7 months together with her but 2. She calls me mama or mommy. She calls Dave her daddy. Kiya is eya. She hugs and kisses all of us. She will if in the right mood spontaneously come up and give a big hug and say "love you". She snuggles in my lap which I LOVE. She looks back to us and checks in with us in new situations. She cries when I leave her. Yes I see this as a good thing because she misses me. I am her favorite by far ok well Kiya is but she is bonded and attached. Bottle feeding is recommended by some to promote attachment. We didn't pursue or force this. Katie refused to drink a bottle from the day we met her so we didn't push it.
Grief that is a tough one. Katie has no reaction all to pictures of her foster mom. We have no pictures of her foster father so not sure about that one. She cried slightly when her foster mom handed her to me in the van but then snuggled into me and fell asleep.
Food is and was her issue. We went through a very rough period the first 5 days home. Now we are just tyring to figure out if she is gluten intolerant, lactose intolerant or something else. This has been a stressor for me as once I think we have something figured out I get a not so pleasant reminder that dealing with an unstable gut is less than fun and takes time.
She has been in daycare for 2 weeks now. She cries at drop off but settles within a few minutes. She is eating and napping there. She is happy as a clam when I pick her up. She is learning how to play with other kids her age as some days she just wants to follow her teachers around.
So back to my daily question...is her behavior toddler related or is it adoption related? I am not sure I will ever be able to answer that question. You see she is a toddler and well she is still learning the language which comes with adopting a toddler. I am not sure reading a book or two or three would help me answer this question. Time will help and getting to know Katie and her triggers. Since she started daycare we actually see less of the tantrumy behavior.
Am I rushing out to get an attachment therapist? Nope. Am I calling a speech therapist because she says gilk instead of milk or groken instead of broken. Nope. She is saying more and more words every day and she can understand and follow multiple step directions if she feels like it..2 year olds are moody sometimes. She is putting more are more words together and at her 2 year check was on the low end of normal in speech for kids her age which I would say is not half bad for hearing English for at that point only 6 months. Did I call Birth to 3 as soon as she got home? Nope. Will I call them? We shall see. They were a great help with Kiya but I don't think we need them.
Now this is what is working for us. I understand that every kid is different and every parent is different. We all find ways to adjust to our new toddlers but for us reality was we had another child at home. Kiya demands and commands a lot of attention and has her own unique situations that need to be addressed and dealt with.
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