In a funk

So I have been in a bit of funk lately that I just can't shake. I think it is the holiday season rapidly approaching. Every year for the last 5 years I have said "At this time next year we should have our baby..." Well here we are another holiday season and we are still waiting for our baby.

I am trying to keep myself occupied so I don't think about it but it is hard. I know that I am being totally selfish. I realize that something truly sad has to happen for my baby to find me but I want that darn phone to ring.

We are going on almost one month of no referrals again and that stinks. There are people at my agency 2 weeks away from hitting the 12 month mark. My heart goes out to them. I know what kinds of crazy thoughts are going through my head so I just can't imagine what they are thinking. There are just these days where hope for the start of our family goes out the window. Today has been one of those days.

Halloween is such a kid oriented day and last year we really thought we would have an adorable little one to dress up and enjoy the day with. Instead I carved a pumpkin just so my dog could lick it off and I am here tonight handing out candy to all the adorable little kids of my friends. I will plaster on a smile and fake my way through it and again tell myself that at this time next year I will have a baby.

Blog Union 2009

I just learned about this Ethiopian Blog Union 2009. I am so excited about this. It is for families who have adopted from Ethiopia and are bloggers. That will be me! The best part is that next year it is in Chicago. YEAH!!!

I have said on more than one occasion that the friends I have made through blogging are what is getting me through my 9 plus month wait. They get it. They have been there, are there or will be there soon. They understand the good days and the bad. It will be so great to get to meet some of my fellow bloggers in person.

If you are a blogger and adopting from Ethiopia, click on the link above and sign up. This is the second annual Blog Union. I heard briefly about the first one and wished I could have been there.

The one slight down fall is trying to convince hubby that this would be a great way to spend our 10th wedding anniversary. We have time to decide but I RSVP'd yes because I REALLY want to go and I know we will make it work.

Mural part 3

This is a BIG project but oh so much fun. Here is what it looks like now. I am painting by color so hence there are only 2 colors completed so far. So I have a boat, a roof, 2 headless giraffes and a few waves.

Happy Birthday to my oldest and dearest friend!

To my dearest friend:

I cannot be with you today but I wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday. I know you are boarding a plane and heading to Montana so I didn't want you to think I forgot about you if I can't get ahold of you today.

I could never forget about you. Who else answers the phone when I am in tears and has been there for me when I needed them the most. You have been more than I could ever ask for in a friend. You are truly amazing and I am so glad we met freshman year of high school. I can't imagine my life without you.

I know we live thousands of miles apart but that hasn't stopped us. Sure there are times we don't talk as much as we want. We are really good at phone tag but you will always be my bestest friend.

Over the last 17 plus years we have been through the highs and the lows. The weddings, the babies or trying to have babies and so much more. Distance will never keep us apart. I miss you like crazy. Oh to go back to the days of chips and salsa and Days of Our Lives...

I hope you have a fabulous trip and the girls travel well. I can't wait to hear how it goes. So Happy Birthday and thanks for being my friend.

Love Ya!

Secret Pal gift and mural part 2

I decided to only do one coat of white so we taped up the pattern last night. That was a little bit of a chore but we did it. Today I spent 3 plus hours tracing the pattern on the wall. Yes you read that right. It was nuts! I tried to take a picture of the traced pattern on the wall but those didn't come out too well. Just imagine the picture below without the seams and white paper and that is what the wall currently looks like. I still may paint a little today but I am taking a break. My hand hurts!
Yesterday, when I checked the mail I found a package from my Secret Pal. I always love those days each month. When I opened the package inside was the adorable toy you see below. I had so much fun pulling the toy around the living room. That is until the dogs discovered what I was doing and decided that this was their new toy. So I put it away for safe keeping and we will face that battle once baby starts playing with it.

Still not a lot of adoption news to report. A family did get a court date for December 16th. So that was exciting. Hopefully more families will get court dates soon and we will start to see those referrals pouring in.

Mural part 1

Well the time has finally come to start the mural for the nursery. Dave even helped. I needed help taping off the area that will be the mural so I could paint that white. He even got to use his new laser level so we could make sure it was all even and straight. So here is a picture of our yellow walls with the blue tape outline for the mural. The mural is 5 feet 5 inches tall and 6 feet and 10 inches wide.


Below is a white rectangle that will be the background for the mural. I am unsure if I will paint 2 coats or leave it at one. I have to wait for it to dry and then check. I am leaning towards leaving it since I am putting more paint on top. We shall see...

So the next step is to tape up the pattern and trace it on the wall. I am hoping to do that tonight. Tomorrow, I am going to one of my favorite places. Michael's (the craft store not the custard place). I have to purchase the paint for the actual mural and the detail brushes that I will need.

It is the perfect time to start this project as the weather outside has become quite cold and I even saw snow flakes/sleet today. Yuck! It will be nice to have a project to focus on in the nice warm house.

So far no adoption news to report, hopefully soon!

Sleepy pugs

Guilty as charged. We love our dogs and can't help taking pictures of them even if they are trying to sleep. But they are so darn cute we just can't resist. See for yourself..

So here is Sebastian all wrapped up in the blanket one night.

We have proof that Sebastian does like Badger. Aren't they adorable cuddling on the couch together? We thought so. Badger can be a pest but when it is cold in the house Sebastian is A-okay with snuggling.

Badger loves to sleep under blankets. At night he sleeps under the covers in our bed. It is like we have our own heated blanket and it muffles his snoring which is a big plus.

Stay tuned for the first stages of mural painting...

A reflection on 9 months of waiting

Well it happened. We have hit the 9 month mark of waiting for our baby. I have been thinking a lot about what I would post on this day and I am still not sure if I have my thoughts together so bare with me.

First, when I started this process to adopt internationally 11 months ago, I never thought based on the timelines given when we applied that I wouldn't have my baby home with me by now. Oh the things I have learned about myself, my friends and international adoption....

As for things I have learned about myself:

1) I am a control freak. I don't like not being able to fix things or speed things up. It has been VERY difficult for me to let go of the control and truly believe that my baby will find me when the timing is just right, which leads to my next observation.

2) I am not a patient person. This I have known for awhile but international adoption has in some ways made me more patient and in others made me less patient. There have been times in this 9 months that I have been really easy going and others when I have been pretty down and out.

3) I have fallen in love with a child, country, and culture that I have never seen or experienced. Yes, it is true. I love my baby(and their first family), Ethiopia and all the traditions and culture that come with it. I have so much more to learn but my heart and head are wide open absorbing as much as I can.

4) I am selfish. Yes, I see my adoption as a selfish act. I want to be a mother so I am adopting. I don't want to be thanked or hear how blessed my little one is to be able to join my family. I feel exactly the opposite. I should be thanking our baby's first family for allowing me to raise their baby as my own. I am the one who is blessed to be able to do this.

What I have learned about my friends:

1) I have more friends than I thought and most of them I don't know personally. Through blogging and the forum, I have interacted with so many amazing people. I have learned so much from them, sent virtual hugs to them, gotten angry for them, cried with them, rejoiced with them, prayed with them and for them. I couldn't survive this process without them.

2) I have friends that get it and friends that never will. This is tough. We chose to start our family through adoption. There were other paths out there but none that made sense for us. I have friends who are standing in my corner cheering me on and others who are unsure how to react at all.

What I have learned about international adoption:

1) It is not as "easy" as it looks. I have heard how lucky we are or how easy it is to adopt rather than get pregnant and have a baby. Wrong answer. This is tough. Emotionally tough. We have to let go and put a lot of trust and faith in the system which is not easy to do. We don't get a due date or milestones along the way. We get nothing until we get the call and then we wait some more.

2) Timelines change and that really stinks. When we signed up we were quoted 6-9 months for a referral. Then we were told 10 months and now we are being told to expect 12 months and be surprised if it happens sooner. This has probably been the toughest part. 5 months ago after 4 months of waiting I blogged about being half way done with the wait, boy was that wrong.

3) You have to have faith. Whether it is faith in God (which I have) or faith in the system, you have to believe. I believe that adopting from Ethiopia is the right path for our family and I know it will happen but I have to keep telling myself that.

4) I may not always like the answers to the questions I ask and I may not get answers at all. This is a tough one too. I try to be hands off and not bug anyone but as the months tick by, I do have questions and I hear the same answers a lot. "Nothing is predictable; we don't know how many children or of what age will come into care; we can't say for sure you will get your referral by the end of the year; International adoption is unpredictable; Prepare for 12 months and be pleasantly surprised if you get a referral before than." I have pretty much heard all of these. I understand why I have to hear these answers but sometimes I just want more. I know our agency doesn't want to get anyone's hopes up or say one thing one day and then have to change it but sometimes that just isn't good enough. On those days, I have to take a deep breath and remember that this is going to happen and I just have to wait.

All in all this has not been the easiest 9 months of my life but it also hasn't been the hardest. I know that I am strong enough to tough this out and I will wait for my little one to find me. I have to. They are counting on me just as much as I am counting on them. I will be a Mom someday and sure I want that day to be soon but I also have waited 5 plus years to be a Mom so I can't wait a little longer. I know we are nearing (hopefully) the end of our wait for a referral. I am still optimistic that we will see our beautiful baby's face by the end of the year. So let's see those referrals start flying in so I don't have to write another post like this in a few months....

Living on a Budget

I have been thinking about money and budgets lately. We were VERY lucky when we lived in California to be able to live rent/utility free. Yeah I know a blessing. So our only monthly expenses were for the car payment, cell phone, credit card bill, and any shopping we did for groceries, clothes oh and the 6/7 days a week we ate out.

Now that we have entered the grown up world of owning a home things are VERY different. We have a mortgage payment, student loan bills, cell phone, cable/Internet, utilities, and the list goes on and on. Uck.... So we came up with a budget which allowed us to include all of our bills plus a little to save each month. In essence we are forcing ourselves to save money each month which is good but it makes us not able to do everything we want to each month.

I know some day we will be grateful for the savings but in the present I have realized a few things.

1) No house cleaner: It was my hope to be able to hire someone to come every other week to clean the house. We could do this or put money in a retirement account. We chose retirement account. I have a day off in the middle of the week so I have been doing things around the house on those days to stay caught up.

2) No quitting my job: This is a big bummer for me. I may decide to change jobs post baby but for the short term I will continue to work so we can continue to save, hopefully remodel the basement, and of course start the process for baby #2.

3) No new car: We have an 8 year old car that we were thinking of getting rid of next year. We might wait one more year or if we do get rid of it, we may decide to keep our leased vehicle at the end of the term and just finance the rest.

4) Planning ahead: We need to plan when we will make purchases outside of our budget. We don't want to charge things on the credit card as we pay that off each month and would like to keep it that way. So in order to make sure we have that little extra for a special purchase, we have to plan ahead.

5) Eating at home: We usually only eat out on Friday nights and then maybe Saturday. I cook the rest of the week. I actually don't mind cooking. I kind of like it. I have learned to make a big pot of my own spaghetti sauce and freeze the rest so we can have 6 or 7 meals out of it. I make a lot of chicken dishes and even know how to make a pretty yummy pesto chicken risotto.

In reality this is no big deal, it is just a big change from what we were used to. Living on a budget is forcing us to be more responsible and not buy things we don't really need or at least think about it before we buy something.

Vote for a Hero!

Please vote for Yohannes of Ethiopia Reads to become CNN's Top Hero.
For more info on Ethiopia Reads, check out www.ethiopiareads.org.

Cute Pug pictures!

I don't have any adoption news to share, so I thought I would share some cute pictures of Badger and Sebastian.

Here is Badger engaging in his favorite post meal activity: licking out the food dish OBSESSIVELY and VERY loudly.

Here is Badger just being cute little Badger. Doesn't he have the saddest/cutest face ever???

This is one of Sebastian's favorite places to sleep: the laundry basket. I found him there today when I got home from work.

This is Sebastian's favorite hiding place, under the shelving unit in the kitchen. He loves to sleep there and get away from Badger. Too cute.

Other than taking cute pictures of the dogs and hitting refresh on the forum waiting to see the word referral again, not much is going on. We are busy this weekend. We are going to the symphony tonight, a food and wine show tomorrow and then church and some yard work on Sunday.

A birthday gift for my Dad

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!!

I know we took you out to dinner last weekend and we aren't there today but I do have a small gift for you.

We are #18 on the list. That means you just got a little closer to being a grandpa! Yeah! I know its not much but I know you want to be a grandpa so I thought this little bit of info would help brighten your day.

So sit back, relax, have a Schlitz and count the days until you retire.

In other news, not much is going on. We have a BUSY weekend ahead and are excited to get out and about. Hopefully, we will have more adoption news to share soon but it has been pretty quiet this week. I would be great to have more referrals this week but I have a feeling we won't see any until next week. My hope was to be in the teens by early this week and we are so I am happy with that.

Most Recent Newsletter

We get a monthly newsletter from our agency that let's us know about changes, resources and any other info that us adoptive parents might crave. There are now 320 families on the wait list for Ethiopia. I can't believe how big the program has gotten since we first started.

Also in the newsletter was some exciting yet sad news. Here is the paragraph I am talking about.

We are happy to share news with you about a new direction in which CHSFS Ethiopia is moving, in association with adoption service partners in certain regions of the country. CHSFS Ethiopia recently signed and enacted formal adoption service working agreements with two licensed orphanages in the states of the Southern Region and Oromia. Mussie orphanage and Bethel orphanages are licensed in local child care institutions that reach out and care for unaccompanied, abandoned, and orphaned children. In turn, these license child care providers may refer children to placing agencies such as CHSFS Ethiopia for the purpose of adoption.

So this is good news because prior to this new agreement, CHSFS worked with one orphanage in Hossana so with this they are working with 3 orphanages. This is exciting because that may translate into more referrals coming in to CHSFS and possibly a shorter wait. It is sad because their might be more children being separated from their first families.

No new news on when we might start seeing some more referrals. Hopefully soon as we are a little over 1 week away from the 9 month mark. I know there are some families that are getting closer to the 12 month mark so I am sure hoping they get their referrals, before they hit that mark in November.

Well, I am off to relax. I finished the patio furniture so in the next week or so I will be starting the mural in the nursery. YEAH!! As promised I will take pictures to document the process.

Double tagged!

Ok so Julie tagged me back to ask my favorite movie/music moment. Well that is a tough one...

Well hands down my favorite movie is "Rain Man". It always has been. I have come to love the movie "Pay it Forward". I am big on movies that have a bigger meaning. I LOVE the concept of of paying it forward. I do believe in karma so I truly believe if I do generous things for others that that will come back to me in a positive fashion. As for "Rain Man", the message that love trumps all else is so powerful. You can't pick your family but you can chose to love them and be there for them.

As for music, I am not a huge music buff but things that stand out for me are the Garth Brooks concert and the Cheap Trick concert.

I was able to see Garth Brooks in Sacramento and was thrilled. That was hands down one of the coolest live music events that I have seen. I was also able to see Cheap Trick this summer at SummerFest in Milwaukee. I have seen them before but the atmosphere was totally different at SummerferFest. It is hard to put in to words...

So I hope that answers your tag back Julie :)

I've been tagged!

I have been tagged by a fellow blogger. This is my first time so thanks Theresa (Easties and Co). So I am going to share 7 random things about me.

1) Ice Cream is hands down my favorite food. I could eat it all day every day but I don't. The worst part is that I am lactose intolerant so can't really eat ice cream without taking a pill.

2) I talk to my pugs like they can actually hear me and understand me. I know crazy but if you own a pug or a dog you probably understand.

3) I have little artistic talent but love to paint. I can't draw a straight line with a ruler. Painting is relaxing and peaceful for me whether it is a piece of ceramic or a wall.

4) I have been known to yell at my husband in my sleep or just blurt out random things that make no sense. Apparently, I yelled at him once about a pair of pants and another time I was talking about purple suns and blue grass. Don't ask me, I was sleeping. :)

5) I am deathly afraid of deep water. I won't swim in oceans, lakes, rivers, etc. I am okay with pools but won't go underwater. That being said I have been kayaking and whitewater rafting. I did it as part of a team building experience at my old job and don't plan on doing it again. Ask my last boss and she will agree and show you the scar I gave her when we got thrown out of the raft and I grabbed on to her for dear life.

6) I love country music and 80's/90's heavy metal. Yes, I know weird combo but on a mix CD you will find Bon Jovi, Sugarland, Poison, Tim McGraw, Skid Row, and Chuck Wicks.

7) Fall is my favorite season here in Wisconsin. I love all the colors on the trees and the cool air. It is just so beautiful.

Okay so I have to tag 7 people, so I have tagged:

Cindy (http://niesenfamilyblog.blogspot.com/)
Julie (http://theeyesofmyeyesareopened.blogspot.com/)
Leah (http://leahandericsadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/)
Cheryl (http://schearjoy.blogspot.com/)
Abby (http://www.kevindhendricks.com/abby/)
Rachel (http://ifittakesawholelife.blogspot.com/)
Leah (http://forever2young.blogspot.com/)

All of their blogs are ones I follow often. Have fun!

Oh and we are #19!!!

Processing....

Now that we are at the end of the week, I have had some time to process all the activity. I did pinch myself to make sure it was all real and in fact it is. We have moved up 7 spaces on the unofficial list this week and I feel like we are in the top 40 for sure waiting for an infant.

I started thinking about this whole thing and when we started this process almost a year ago, we were probably in the 180's on the official list or higher and 88 or so on the unofficial list. Wow. Even though times have been trying during the wait, we really have come along way. We are getting closer to realizing our dream of parenthood.

Holy Moly. I have a lot of work and preparations to do before this happens. My "pregnancy" is entering its final stages. We are merely a few months away (hopefully less) from seeing the face of our beautiful baby. Boy or girl doesn't matter. I just want to see that picture.

I lately have had really strong feelings that we are having a boy. Don't ask me why, I just have a feeling. From when I decided I did want to have children, I always wanted a boy so maybe it is just those feelings manifesting themselves. After the twins, I really wanted a girl. At this point, I am really open to either or both of course. :)

Everyone says that once we get our referral, the wait will seem like nothing. This wait has been tough and will get tougher as we approach 9 months. I do believe though that once I have my referral it really will all have been worth it. I know I will have waiting after our referral but I can at least stare at my baby every day.

We have heard through the grapevine that this batch of referrals is in fact done. So now we wait for the next one. We don't know when it will come but hopefully it won't be too long. I have renewed faith that my dream of having my referral before the holidays will come true.

I am in shock!!!

We are #20!!!!! I can't believe it. When we started this process almost a year ago, I thought I would never move up the list. And now look at us...

I would blog more but I am at work but I know a certain couple of friends of mine would love to know our new number and some moms too.

Up again :)

We are now #22 :) YEAH!!! Just a few more and we will be in the teens!

As I write this I am being totally creeped out by the number of wasps flying/landing/hovering around the upstairs window. At one time I counted 10 on the window. Luckily I am inside and they are outside. I have called a pest control company and they are coming on Friday. GROSS.

This latest referral was for a little boy and a family with a dossier date of November! That really means we are getting closer. Ahh....let the nesting continue. Off to vacuum upstairs. Hopefully, I will have more exciting news to share this week.

And our new number is....

We are #23. All of the other referrals have been girls so far and this one was a little boy. Yeah, another family is formed.

Here is to hoping we see more referrals for little girls, boy, toddlers and some siblings in their for good luck.

Moving up :)

Ok we are now #24!!! yeah. I am so glad I get to write posts like this again. I am keeping my fingers crossed that we might be in the teens by the end of the week or early next week. That would be awesome!

I am desperately trying to finish the patio furniture but it keeps raining on me so maybe later this week. Since I am off work today, I have decided to go into nesting mode. Yes I know I don't have a referral yet but I can't help it.

I scrubbed all of the bathroom floors and the kitchen floor. Then I started cleaning out the bookcases. I want to clean out the closets and organize the nursery better too.

My issue in the nursery is that we have two cribs set up. We haven't taken them down or really touched the room since the twins left. In fact we have closed the door and just shoved stuff in when we run out of room for it elsewhere. Well as we are creeping up the list we need to address the organization of the nursery. I don't want to have to deal with it after referral.

I am hesitant to take down one of the cribs. We are open to twins so you never know....I am pretty sure we will wind up with one infant but I am not ready to take that crib down yet. I probably will before I start the mural as it isn't a huge room and I like to spread out when I paint. So reality is that in a few weeks the crib will come down. We can always put it back together if we wind up having twins.

I also really need to clean out the closet in the nursery. We just shoved a bunch of stuff in there before the twins came to live with us and now that stuff needs to go. I think our down comforter is in there and an old dog bed oh and I think my old nightstand is in there.

I am actually kind of glad we have these projects to do. It keeps me busy and away from my refresh button. You see, us nutty adoptive parents, hit refresh on the forum 100's of times a day just the see a new post announcing a referral. Yeah, we are fully aware we are going bonkers but we support each other in our nuttiness. Anyway, these projects keep my occupied and away from the forum. Don't worry, I can't stay away too long and I will post ever time we move up a spot.

FINALLY!!!

I am so excited....we are now number 25! YEAH!!!

We are starting to see some referrals and that means we are getting that much closer. Now that is my number on the unofficial list. We have actually moved up 2 spaces on the unofficial list. I wasn't watching the list so we had actually dropped to #27 and now we are at #25. Woohoo!

I can't wait to see more referrals coming in. It is so nice to see families being formed. We have also heard that our agency is hoping to reduce the wait time to 9 months from the current 12 months they are quoting. Now we probably won't see the effect of that as we will surely hit the 9 month and probably even the 10 month. But it makes me more hopeful to think that my dream of seeing a picture of my baby before the end of the year may come true.

Hopefully I will have lots more good news to share later today or at least this week. Keeping my fingers crossed for more families to be formed :)

Update

And you thought I was done with blogging today, ha.

Someone got a referral today. She wasn't on the unofficial list but is with my agency so in the end I still moved up 1 spot on the official list (the more important list). My number is still the same on the unofficial list if that makes sense. The list I refer to is voluntary so not everyone participates.

Anyway I am so happy for this person. She experienced a real tragedy with a referral she had received a few months ago and now she has a beautiful picture of a baby girl to look forward to.

May the floodgates be opened and referrals start rolling in....

Ok so a little good news to brighten the weekend

Here is a direct quote from a specialist at our agency:

Finally some good news! We've been informed that children have been transferred from the orphanage's regional care center to Addis Ababa. We have received confirmation that CHSFS Ethiopia is preparing necessary paperwork to process children for referral as we speak -- all legal, medical, and background information must be complete and verified by CHSFS Ethiopia prior to any child being ready for referral. Hopefully we will be able to get these referrals ready for some families later today or by Monday.

So hopefully we will be moving on up the list :) Just had to share!

MIA

Sorry I have been quiet this week. It has been a LONG week at a job I don't care for but will deal with and I just shockingly haven't had a lot to say.

There is still no news in adoption land. We are all going stir crazy. We just have to keep telling ourselves that things will happen when they are supposed to. A similar slow down seems to happen each year at this time so we just need to breath and support each other which is a whole lot easier said than done.

We are hopeful that next week we will start seeing referrals and we can move off of #26 on the unofficial list. I am so over that number...

In other news, we are going to the Brewers playoff game on Saturday. This is their last chance to stay in the playoffs since they lost the first two games so hopefully we win. I have put the first coat of shellac on the patio furniture and am waiting for it to dry. Tomorrow I will sand it and put on coat #2. It is supposed to rain on Sunday so we shall see what happens from there. The good news though is that once this is done, I get to start the mural :)

Starting the mural is going to be very therapeutic for me. I find much comfort in painting and to be painting for our little one will be that much sweeter. I can't wait. I will be taking photos through out the process and will post them here.

Other than that we are just chugging along...