Cast free and mixed emotions

I copied this from a post I wrote today for our luckycast blog:

We cut off cast number 3 today. While it was cast 3 in reality it was more like cast two since we had to take such a long break between cast 1 and 2. But regardless the blue cast is now in the garbage.

Sweet Kiya, aka my string bean, is itchy, bruised and slightly off balance but is looking straighter. I am so excited for her to be able to enjoy summer toddler fun minus the cast for one week anyway. She will get to run in the sprinklers with her friends and take baths and enjoy.

I love the squishy hugs and the pure joy that encompassed her once we got the cast off. She was so mad when we were trying to cut it off and once it was off you could just see her face light up in pure joy.

This week of free is always a little strange for me. I try to enjoy all the hugs and fun and yet I watch and wait to see if/when her back will bounce back. I pray that it doesn't but we just don't know. That is the worst. She looks so straight right now. So straight, tall and skinny.

So we head to Shriner's on the 19th for supposedly a pink cast. She keeps saying she wants a pink one. She said that last time and we came home with blue.So we shall see.

Kiya truly amazes me. Nothing stops her. No sooner than we cut off her cast did she stand up and try to awkwardly walk away. She was a little off balance. After her bath she was back to running. She is nothing short of an inspiration. She is 2 1/2 and has a beautiful outlook on life. I love her goofiness, her stubbornness and her dare devil spirit. All of these traits are serving her well on this journey we are on. This kid has taught me so much about life and I am truly honored that I am her mom. I am so very blessed in so many ways.

Hossana yet again

Our day continued with a tour of the new school in Hossana, a look at the bakery project that helps families make bread so they can sell it and then to a traditional hut style house.

The school was amazing. It isn’t completely done but it is getting there and they are hoping to have it open for the next school year. They are also building some more offices and things there as well.

All the while we were photographing and videotaping the whole thing. Ethiopia is such a beautiful country. The people are so friendly and the children love having their picture taken and now with digital cameras you can show them right away.

There is such an extreme level of poverty yet everyone we encountered was so friendly and wanted to wave or have their picture taken. It was very moving and heartbreaking. The children are so beautiful, you just want to scoop them all up and yet they seem so happy. It makes you think twice about complaining about no hot water or electricity when these children are hungry and have no clean drinking water and yet can still walk around with a smile.

Once we left the school, they drove us to a family’s home. The family was gracious enough to let us come in and take pictures and look around. In the one hut was a family with 6 children, 4 cows and 2 goats and there were a couple chickens and a rooster outside. Yes the family and the livestock all slept in the same hut.

The women allowed us to photograph her with some of her children and her one son just LOVED having his picture taken so I would take his picture and show it to him and then he would shake my hand. It was so sweet. His little sister was just a beautiful little girl with braids in her and she too liked having her picture taken.

All in all the Hossana experience was beautiful and emotionally draining. I am so glad we were able to go on this trip and will be able to share the more rural aspects of Ethiopia with Peanut. The drive back to Addis was long. We were all exhausted physically and mentally. I would be naïve to say that I am walking away from today the same person as when I started. I gained a tremendous amount of perspective and was able to enjoy and absorb so much of Ethiopia in such a short time.

To decompress after the emotional day we had, a bunch of us went to Metro pizza for pizza and beer. It was nice to get out of the guest house and just hang out for awhile.
Tomorrow we are able to bring Peanut to the guest house so we can finally take pictures. We will have her here with us until lunch time. After lunch we are going to a museum, to see the CHSFS hospital, and the we are going out to traditional Ethiopian dinner and dancing.

Ready?

That is a loaded question. I want to say yes but I am not sure that is possible. The bags are packed (pictures to come tomorrow) and I am so ready to be a Mom full time yet in some ways I feel like I am not ready.

Physically, I will be at a very high elevation and will try to ward off altitude sickness with lots of water and taking time to get adjusted.

Mentally, I am a basket case right now. I keep forgetting where stuff is and what I did with things. In fact while writing this I forgot which bag I packed my sandals in so I went up and checked....

Emotionally, I am ready to be a Mom but I am not sure I can prepare myself for all of the emotions that are about to hit me. This will be the most emotional journey of my life and I need to be fully present and absorb it all. I can't really predict how things will go and what I will feel. One thing for sure is I packed A LOT of extra Kleenex.

I can't believe we are this close. In less than 48 hours I will be on a plane and on the way to my baby girl. Every time I stop and think about that it brings tears to my eyes. My life is about to get flipped upside down and I couldn't be happier about it.

Leaving the bubble

I am very blessed. I am married to a wonderful man, have a beautiful daughter, tremendously supportive family and great friends. We live in a nice neighborhood with a park near by and are fortunate enough to own our own home. I live in a bubble. I have most of my life only to step out briefly when volunteering at shelters or working in the Tenderloin.

I am 12 days away from leaving my bubble and I couldn't be more thrilled. Not only do I get to meet my daughter and bring her home, but I am blessed to be able to spend time in the country of her birth. To walk the streets that her family may have walked, to be in a place where I stand out. I won't have my bubble, my comfort zone.

I think we should all walk outside our bubble at some point in our lives. We need to see with our own eyes the reality that is this world we live in. I am so grateful that I get to see this. I am going to a place that I never dreamed I would go and looking back I feel I was naive. Who wouldn't want to go to Ethiopia, it is beautiful and the people are beautiful inside and out.

I know I cannot really prepare myself for what I will experience. There will be an overwhelming amount of emotion. The joy of my daughter, the sadness and loss for her birth family, the pleasure of meeting new families, the reality of life on the streets, the smiles on the faces of children with HIV... It will be emotionally draining of that I have no doubt.

What will I do with this experience, I don't know. I hope to come back to my bubble with knowledge and a reality check. With the realization that while I feel I am doing something that I could and should be doing more. What does that look like? I don't know yet. I am hoping for Ethiopia to speak to me.

One thing I know for sure is that Ethiopia is part of me and part of my family. I cannot and will not ignore that and I will do what I can to help those that need it in this beautiful country. The country that gave me my daughter. It is the least I can do. I will forever have Ethiopia on my heart and am anxiously awaiting my trip. And while this trip will be long and difficult at times, it is good for me. I need more perspective and need to broaden my horizons if not for me than for my daughter. I want her to see and know how much we love Ethiopia and I want more than anything for her to be proud of where she came from.

Crazy overprotective Mama??

Maybe. But my number one priority is my daughter and because of that I feel like I need to share a little bit of my thoughts on our return to the US.

First off, I ask for friends and family to trust us. We are Peanut's parents and we will know what her limits are and what ours are. We may not know that right away. It is going to take time for us to establish a schedule and a level of comfort. We are very much going to be taking our cues from Peanut. She may be shy or she may be a social butterfly or she may fall somewhere in between. Either way we just ask that you let us figure that out. Please ask us to do things and come over but understand if we say no or come for a little while and then have to leave. Also be prepared for Dave and I to be wearing Peanut a lot. We have a great baby carrier and we intend to use it to help build attachment.

When it comes to our actual arrival at the airport, I very much want my parents to be there to meet their granddaughter and my in laws will already be there as they are traveling with us. I wouldn't mind a few close friends but my closest friends live out of town so I doubt they are coming. I guess overall a few people is fine but I am not sure I want this huge welcoming party. To be honest part of me does want a lot of people there as I know there are lots of people who have been praying and cheering for us but part of me thinks I may be overwhelmed by it all and more importantly it may be too much for Peanut.

If there is a gathering at the airport or at some later date, please be patient. Not only am I a new Mom but I will have only known my daughter for a short time. It is key that she knows that Dave and I will be there to meet her needs. We will do all of the feeding, bathing, changing, and comforting. That is not to say that others will not be allowed to hold her, they will but it may be limited at first in who can hold and for how long. Attachment is a big issue in adoption and we want to make sure our daughter attaches to us as her parents. So please understand it is not our intention to upset anyone but for awhile we will not be passing Peanut around for everyone to hold.

I have said awhile a few times. I can't put a number on how long it will take until we all feel settled in. It could be weeks, it could be months. It is all about Peanut. She will dictate how long this takes. We want her to be settled and comfortable and that is up to her. We can't rush that. She at such a young age has already experienced a great deal of loss and a lot of change. We need to help her to figure that out and know that she is safe and loved and that we as her parents will always be there.

For you experienced parents out there, know that we may do things differently and you may not understand why. If that is the case just ask us but again trust us and if you feel you must offer an opinion you can but don't be offended if we respectfully don't change what we are doing. You may think we are coddling her or spoiling her and sometimes we might be. She has been through so much and so many caregivers and change. She needs to feel that safety, love and comfort are always near by.

So will I be a crazy overprotective Mama, sometimes yes. Will that change in time, yes. All I am asking for is time to figure it all out and patience that we know what is best for our family even if it doesn't make sense to you right away. We can't wait to share our love and our family with all of you in due time. Thanks for cheering us on and sending us prayers. That has meant a great deal to us.

Spontaneous Bursts of Tears

I cry. I have always cried. I have tried to at times hide the fact that I cry a lot but I am okay with it now. I cry at TV shows, commercials for the ASPCA, movies, books you name it and it could make me cry. I am kind of a sap. I cannot watch one full episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition without crying at least 2 or 3 times.

I cry for joyful reasons too. I cried on an off the day we got our referral for Peanut. There are times when I think about her and I smile and shed a tear. Tears of joy for my baby girl. I cried on Tuesday when I thought about how great my husband's birthday would be next year with Peanut in our lives.

Well, I think my dear husband thinks I am nuts most of the time when I cry at things. In fact the other night, we were doing our thing watching TV and a commercial came of for Disney World. I have never been to Disney World. I have been to Disneyland but I hear they are very different. Anyway, I was staring at the pictures of Peanut and I just started to cry.

I was picturing taking Peanut to Disney World and I just cried. Tears of joy. To see her face light up. The amazement and wonder of it all. I know silly but I couldn't help it. I think about Peanut often. I miss her and I dream of what our lives will be like together. I am anxiously counting the days, weeks and yes still months until we can be together. I know it will be soon but I just want to hold that sweet baby girl in my arms. To make her dreams come true whether she wants to kick around a soccer ball in the yard or play dress up with her dolls or both.

Peanut, know that we love you and think about you every second of every day. I get lost in thought when I stare at your beautiful face. Soon. Soon we can explore and dream and cry together.

Two pictures

I have just two pictures of peanut. Two pictures that I literally carry with me everywhere. They are in my purse right now while I am at work. When I am at home I prop these pictures up so that I can see them. Sometimes they are on the dining room table, sometimes the night stand by my bed or on the coffee table.

Every detail of each one of those pictures has been forever engraved on my heart. I have memorized every tiny aspect of her sweet face and head full of hair.

Sometimes I look at these pictures and just say her name over and over. Sometimes I look at them and smile. Sometimes I look at them and cry. Sometimes those tears are tears of joy that I have a daughter and sometimes they are tears of sadness for all the loss she has experienced in her life.

Those picture take me on a wild roller coaster ride of emotion. I am so in love with this little girl and so glad I can look at these pictures for the next few months. However, I cannot forget the sacrifice and the reality of how she is coming to be my daughter. There is sadness in her story and I feel that sadness. I feel it for her as she is too young to understand.

This journey of adoption is never easy and I know this roller coaster ride is a long one that I will be on my entire life. I accept that. I don't want to lose sight in my joy at being a Mom what another family had to lose. It is reality. I cannot and should not turn my back on reality.

I will love my daughter with everything I have in me. I promise to make sure she knows where she came from and when she is old enough her story. I will tell her about Ethiopia and show her pictures. I will tell her that she grew in my heart but grew in someone else's tummy. I will tell her that we love her everyday and I will be for her everything she needs me to be. That's all I can do and until I can hold that sweet girl in my arms I will continue to stare at those two pictures.

Happy or Sad or a little of both???

Today marks our 11th month of waiting for our little peanut. I am not sure if I should be elated because we are so close to the life changing phone call or if I should be sad. Why sad?? Well, I can't help but think about peanut. They are probably at least at a satellite care center which means their first family has to be grieving. That family had to experience a tremendous loss in order for me to be a Mom. Sometimes that is a lot to swallow.

So I struggle with these mixed emotions and I pray that 1 month from today I am not writing a post saying we are still waiting. I want to be so happy because my dreams are about to come true but my heart feels for peanut's first family. They are giving me such an incredible gift yet they are losing a member of their immediate family. That is really emotionally taxing.

I have all these questions and what if's running through my head. Is peanut at the care center yet? Will I get to meet members of peanuts first family? Will I be able to keep Ethiopia, the culture, traditions and food a part of our lives? Will I be able to share peanut's story with them properly?

My life is about to forever change and that is exciting and scary all at the same time. I have waited a very long time for what is about to happen yet sometimes I still feel unprepared. I am sure I am not alone in this sentiment.

So I guess in answer to my title, I am a little of both. Happy beyond measure yet I have this aching in my heart. Almost like guilt... Our little peanut will be joining our family soon and I can't wait. As always, I will continue to pray for peanut, peanut's first family and the nannies, doctors, etc that may be taking care of peanut right now. Peanut, you are loved more than you know. We are ready when you are and we promise to do the best we can.