Unanswered Prayers

I heard one of my favorite songs on the radio yesterday on the way to pick Kiya up from daycare, Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers".


Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs
That just because He doesn't answer doesn't mean He don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

I have always loved this song and while we waited for Kiya I would hear it and cry because it is so very true. I prayed for days, months, years even that we would be blessed and get pregnant and it never happened. At times I was very bitter about this but remained convinced that we were meant to have children some way some how and I just needed to pray more.

I look at Kiya and I am so grateful that my prayers didn't come true. I am over the idea that I will ever get pregnant, it isn't even on my radar anymore. Not saying if in the unlikely case it did happen I wouldn't be thrilled it just isn't a priority for me. My unanswered prayers really did give me the greatest gift. I couldn't imagine a more wonderful child, tantrums and all.

She is everything I dreamed of and yet so much more. She is my perfect little gift. God knew what He was doing when He lead us to adoption and more so to Kiya. For awhile I was so angry and frustrated and sad that my prayers weren't being answered. Trying to get pregnant was the BIGGEST test to my faith. I admittedly was very mad at God and kind of tuned out for awhile.

I am glad I found my way back. God didn't let me down. He had bigger and better things on the agenda for me and I just wasn't patient enough. Now I see. I see the bigger picture and I thank God every day for my unanswered prayers. Because of those unanswered prayers I get to be a mom to the most amazing kid I know and there is nothing better than that.

Great Day!

I am so happy today to report that lots of families with our agency passed court and are that much closer to be united with their children. It was so great to hear their news and to see the faces of some incredibly adorable children. I literally cried tears of joy for them.

Then when I thought it was already a great day it got even better. A family that had been originally assigned a January court date and then had their case rescheduled until March made it through court today. How awesome!

January was a rough month. It was really hard to see lots of forum buddies face delays in getting to their children. Those of us still waiting for court dates were on pins and needles. Today was the first big group of families with a court date. Those families getting through would give us some hope that we too could pass court on the first try.

Our court date is 6 weeks away and I can't stop thinking about it. That is the day that a judge in Ethiopia could make us officially Peanut's parents. 6 weeks. I can't believe it. We are getting so close to being able to hold Peanut in our arms. If you are the praying type, please pray for all the families in their various stages of the adoption process, pray that we all see success in court on the first try and pray for Peanut and all of her little friends at the Care Center.

We hope to get an update on Peanut and how she is doing the first week of March. I know she is being well taken care of and I can't wait to see how much she has grown in a month.

Comfortably Numb...

I think the title describes best how I am feeling right now. I am having a hard time adjusting to the idea that I am a Mom. That I have a daughter and that this isn't all some crazy dream.

We are 6 years (almost) into our journey to trying to have a family and all along that path we faced rejection and heartache. We even had our very own this is too good to be true moment when we thought we were adopting twins.

I know this is different. No one is going to take her away from us but my heart aches a little. I want to see her, to hold her, to know that she is okay. I want an update daily if I could. I will mostly likely only get monthly updates.

So why numb? Well, I have been on this roller coaster of emotion since Tuesday. I have laughed, cried and even been seen skipping in my house. I have worried, fretted, been scared and lost. I think now I am just numb. I am not sure how many more emotions are left in me. I feel pure joy everytime I look at her sweet face. Yes she is with me everywhere. Work, home, the dinner table, the coffee table, the nightstand by the bed. But yet there is something there in the background and I think it is just me getting in the way of my own joy.

I think I just need to have faith. Faith that we are allowed to have happy moments. Faith that baby girl is content and healthy. Faith that I will get a court date before tax day. Faith that I might be able to travel before Mother's Day or at least my birthday. I have never been happier and I think that is a little scary for me. I know probably sounds crazy but we have had a few rough years in our journey to parenthood so I got really good at protecting myself.

To actually realize that I can't protect myself from everything. That I can be the happiest I have ever been and just tear down the walls I have built up is a process. One I am working on every minute of every day. I have waited so very long to be a Mother and I can't wait to hug my little peanut. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason so I think I just need to trust that this is our turn. Our turn to be happy. Our turn to be parents and nothing is going to stand in our way, not even me.