2 years later and still in awe

Two years ago we walked up 4 flights of stairs to find this little one. She was 5 1/2 months old, tiny oh so tiny and scared yet she had this strength about her. She weighed about 13 lbs and truly was my little peanut. I will never forget the moment I laid eyes on her doing tummy time on the floor with the other babies.

And here is my little peanut 2 years later. She is more like my little string bean now as she is so very tall for her age. She is full of life. She loves to laugh. Is bossy, dramatic and just darn near perfect.







I look at her and still have to pinch myself. I am her mom. She is amazing. I have so much I want to share with the special woman that gave birth to the magical little girl. This year Kiya day and Mother's Day are the same. We met Kiya on May 8, 2009. I also spent my very first Mother's Day on a bus to Hossana where I was blessed enough to meet the woman that gave birth to Kiya. I got to talk with her, cry with her and share a hug that I still feel today. This woman's sadness and loss led to my joy and to me being a mom. Thank you just isn't enough.

I know the Kiya gets her strength from Zinash. I know she has her mom's eyes. I want so much for Zinash to see all that Kiya is now. I want for her to hear Kiya's infectious laugh and oh so sweet singing voice. I want her to meet her daughter. I dream that one day this just might happen.

I look back at these last 2 years and just how much being a mom has changed me. It is everything I hoped for and more. Sure some days can be frustrating and we have been thrown a couple of curve balls but most days are truly wonderful. Kiya lights up any room she is in and yet she can still be shy. She is a girl that knows what she wants and how she wants it. She is wise beyond her years and oh can she be stubborn. And yet she can come up behind you and give you a big hug when you least expect it.

Nothing slows her down and I love that about her. She just today and for the first time climbed up on the couch all by herself cast and all. Our couches are really tall and don't have removable cushions. She would always climb on her chair and then onto the couch. Today she said "Watch this. I climb on couch." And sure enough she did it.

I am truly blessed. I am in awe of my little girl and I love being her Mom.

What to say....

Two years ago I was preparing to board a plane that would take me 7000 miles away to Ethiopia. I was finally going to meet my daughter.

I can tell you when I legally became a mom, April 3, 2009. I can tell you when I held my sweet little girl for the first time, May 8, 2009. And yet I can't tell you when I actually felt like her mom. I knew I was her mom but it took some time to really just feel it.

Does that sound weird? We didn't share the same space for 9 months. We were jet lagged, over whelmed, fragile, and pumped up on adrenaline when we met Kiya. It was everything I hoped for and more yet it was strange too.

I wanted nothing more in my life than to be a mom and 2 years ago that journey began. I look back at where I was then and where I am now and I truly 100% feel like Kiya's mom. In the beginning I was doing all the mom things that you are supposed to do but that overwhelming don't mess with my kid instinct took some time to show up.

I can't tell you an exact date as to when I really became a mom. I know I felt it though. When I left her at daycare and she cried and screamed and I knew then that she needed me just as much as I needed her. I felt a tug. An instinct kick in that said I have to fix this. This is my kid and nothing and no one is going to mess with her.

The biggest compliment I ever got, came from a woman I now call a dear friend but at the time was someone I had just met. We were in the hospital waiting for Kiya's first cast and all the emotion that came with that day and she said to me later that day that you couldn't even tell that Kiya was adopted. That she looked at our family and saw true unconditional, parental love as we tried to be strong for our scared little girl. My friend has no idea how much those words meant to me.

I knew I was Kiya's mom through and through but for someone else to see it. To see that my adopted daughter was just as much of part of me as her son was a part of her. It was amazing.

I have had plenty of people ask if it is possible to love an adopted child as much as your own child. To that I say Kiya is my own child. I love her with all my heart and soul and will stop at nothing to make sure she is happy and healthy. She is my miracle. She is my dream. My love for her runs deep through me. I couldn't imagine loving her more than I already do.

So as I reflect on life and love, I take pause to be grateful for all the blessings I have in my life. I am truly one lucky Mom. I have this amazing daughter. I don't have the words to express how grateful I am to Zinash. Her sadness led to me being able to parent this wonderful little girl. I want so much to share all that Kiya has accomplished with Zinash. Someday I hope this dream will come true.

For now it is back to reality and life with a very active toddler.

Kiya is 2

It is official. Kiya turned 2 today. We had a family party on Thanksgiving with a Dora cake. Kiya dug right into the frosting and yet still wouldn't eat the cake. She loved the Dora, Diego and Boots figures though so it was still a success.

 And here is my big girl just this morning before she headed out to daycare to play with her friends. She was asking for her friend Lily all weekend. It was pretty cute.

In every picture we take, I see the sparkle and light in Kiya's eyes. I look at her and I see her Mama Zinash. I really see the resemblance now. I didn't always but I do now. The older Kiya gets she is looking more and more like her mother.

So today we are celebrating all things Kiya and yet we are taking a pause tonight to honor and remember a very special woman. 2 years ago some 7000 miles away, Zinash went into labor while at school taking her exams and she gave birth to Annakiya Yewibdar at a clinic in Angacha, Ethiopia later that night.

I have really no words. We are truly blessed and honored to be able to parent Kiya. I wish I could hop on a plane right now and go to Ethiopia and find Zinash and let her really see just what an amazing little girl she gave birth too. I know Kiya gets her fight and drive from her Mama Zinash. Some day we will make this happen. We have to.

Someday when Kiya reads this I want her to know just how much I love her and just how much she inspires me. She is a remarkable kid that just won't let anything stop her. She has fight and drive and silliness and sassiness. She lights up any room and can be shy or the life of the party. She loves all things music. She loves to sing and dance sometimes in the middle of the night. She loves to talk. She gives the best hugs. She loves the park and to count. She loves her dogs and her tee tee (blanket).

Her current favorite foods are bread and butter, peanut butter cups, bananas, all things chicken, fish sticks, ranch dressing, ketchup, sweet corn, cheese, mac n cheese, pizza, turkey dogs, oranges, peas and pasta.

She is a princess and tomboy. She loves jewelery and dolls and to play with cars and rocks.

Kiya is truly a rock star and I am just so proud of her. She has been given a big plate of stuff to deal with this year and she is tackling it like a champ with grace, attitude and pizazz. Look out world, Kiya is on the move literally this year and nothing is going to stand in her way or slow her down.

The hug felt a year later

It is my first Mother's Day with my daughter. Well technically second. We were in the same country last year on Mother's Day but I wasn't with Kiya. I was on a bus for close to 7 hours that day.

On Mother's Day last year, I met the most amazing woman. I met Kiya's Ethiopian mother, Zinash. The day was emotional. The bus ride long. We sat in a room waiting for our turn with a translator. We had no idea what to expect.

We were in the second group of families to be called. We walked into a small, dark room and then she walked in. This amazingly beautiful, young woman who was on the verge of tears. I offered her a tissue. I asked if it was okay to give her a hug. She agreed.

I could tell she was unsure, a little shy and nervous. So were we. We spent about 20 minutes talking with her. We asked her questions. She asked us questions. It was likely 2o of the most important minutes of my life. Minutes that I want to recount for Kiya. Minutes that I hope to repeat in the future with another visit.

After all of the families met their special people, they gathered all of us together for a blessing and an entrustment ceremony. We shared a prayer and we exchanged a candle. And then it was over. We were to leave. They were to leave.

Zinash and I made eye contact from across the room. I took steps. She took steps and we hugged. We hugged for a long time. It seemed like we hugged forever. We exchanged a lot with that hug. My promise to her that I would love and cherish her little girl. Her faith that I was the right one to be Kiya's mother.

I still feel that hug. I will always feel that hug.

It was the most emotional Mother's Day. Here we were two mother's united for the first time with a mix of emotions. We were strangers and yet we were family. We both had hopes and dreams and lots of love for the same little girl.

Now that I am fully a Mom, Mother's Day will always be special but it will be extra special every year because of that hug. I am honored that we could share that special moment together. That we could share so much with no words.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!

Post placement report

The time has come for me to do our first of 18 post placement reports. The report is due this week and I can now say that the written part of the report is complete. I still need to do the pictures pages.

We will send this report to our agency and a copy of it will be made available to Kiya's Ethiopian mother. Will she read it? I don't know. I hope so. She asked us if we would be filling out these reports and we promised her we would.

The report asks us about her adjustment, food and sleep habits, development, etc. Then we get to send 4 pictures along with it. How in the world do I send just 4 pictures. I want to send every photo we have of Kiya. I want her mom to see her, to really see all aspects of her. To see her smile, her laugh, her goofiness, her seriousness, her curiosity and so much more.

I wish there was some way I could know for sure that this report gets to Southern Ethiopia and that Zinash gets to read it or at least look at the pictures. My agency assures me that the reports get there and I have heard that if they are in a certain area they will bring the reports with them for birth family.

I look at Kiya and I see Zinash. She looks just like her Mom, more and more every day. She has this quiet confidence about her that reminds me of her mother. I can't wait to share all of that with Kiya as she grows up. I hope we will be able to see Zinash again so we can tell her all about Kiya.

The memories are popping up left and right and all over. Oh how I miss Ethiopia.

Wordless Wednesday is being interrupted again

I know I know, I talk to much but in my defense the title of this blog is Chatty Cathy and there will be pictures in this post.

One year ago today, Zinash came to the Mussie orphanage in Hossana, Ethiopia and handed Kiya to a nanny. A mere 10 days after her birth. We have that moment captured on video. It is extremely difficult to watch that. To see the tears in her eyes. I feel for her. I in some ways am grateful to have this moment to show Kiya just how much her mother loved her but at the same time I hate that a camera was in Zinash's face.

I walked this same path and went to this building. See the picture below. This is where Kiya spent her first couple of weeks in care. My heart is again heavy today. My thoughts are with Zinash and I wish I could give her a hug. I may be able to send her a letter and she may actually get it but more on that later.

While in Hossana, we were also able to meet Kiya's first nanny. She was so sweet and so excited to tell us all about Yewibdar. She told us she was always so content and sweet and such a good baby. I wish there was some way we could send her an update as well. We were able to show her some more recent pictures while we were there but I wish we could send her some more.

So about the letter, our agency has post adoption services that we can and likely will register for. For a small fee, we can send a letter to Zinash and it will be translated in to Kembatissa, her native language. We have heard that the letters are merely dropped off at a local office for parents and we have heard that they are actually hand delivered. We of course are hoping for the latter.

Also as part of post adoption services, when we travel to Ethiopia again and again for a fee, our agency will try and set up another meeting with Zinash. We could actually be able to hug her again and share recent photos of Kiya. I am trying to keep things in perspective that policies change and our agency won't provide this anymore, that Zinash wouldn't want to see us again or they can't find her. If our agency stops providing this service, we will try and find her on our own and will of course respect if she chooses not to see us but I feel like we owe it to Kiya to try and try hard to see her again.

Now what we would say to Zinash in a letter or in person is a tough but I know when the time comes we will find the words. We have to, for Kiya.

Full and heavy heart

These past few days my heart has been full. Full of love, but it has also been heavy. Behind all the preparations and food and celebrations, I am mourning. I am mourning for Kiya. She can't yet and doesn't understand so it is my place as her mom to do it for her.

I am mourning the loss of her country, her birth family, her right to "fit in" in the land of her birth. I do indeed have a full and heavy heart. We are preparing to celebrate Kiya's first year on this planet and I am sad. I can't and won't let myself stop thinking about Zinash. I wonder what she is doing or thinking or feeling as this day approaches.

One year ago today, she was finishing her classes at school and realized she wasn't feeling well. She went to the clinic that afternoon already in pain and in labor. She told us that. She cried. I cried. We cried together as she recounted the story of Kiya's birth.

She told us she named her Yewibdar because it means "most beautiful one" and that is what she saw when she looked into that sweet baby girls face. You could hear in her voice how much she loved that little girl and that tears my heart apart. She loved her so much to let her go. I don't even have an ounce of that strength.

I am trying to find a simple yet meaningful way to remember Zinash tomorrow. It is important to me that she always be present in my house and that Kiya knows who this woman is. We are hoping to light a candle and say a prayer. We may watch her lifebook DVD. I haven't had the courage to watch it again. We watched it once in Ethiopia and I haven't been able to watch it yet. Kiya is too young to understand it. As she gets older, our jobs as parents get more challenging.

How will we share her story with her...I am not sure. Her story is clear to us but it isn't an easy story to tell. We will share it all with her when she is ready but at first in the early years she may only get bits and pieces. I won't ever lie to her or deny her her story but parts of it are not for young ears and will be a challenge for us to share and her to understand.

Tomorrow will be about us as a family. A whole family and by definition that includes Zinash. We will remember her and cherish her tomorrow and celebrate Kiya. Our Ethiopian Princess is turning 1 and I have a woman half a world away that I wish I could hug again and say thank you but those just don't seem like the right words. How do you thank someone for the best gift you will ever receive? One that caused the giver so much pain....

My heart is heavy today....

Giving thanks

Today we are so blessed to be able to spend the day with our daughter and our family.

We have so very much to be thankful for. First and for most, we are so thankful to Zinash for wanting more for her daughter and loving her enough to let her go. We are thankful for Kiya. She is such a blessing and so amazing. We are thankful for our family and friends who have stood by us through the years and were so supportive during the tough times.

We have so much to be thankful for. 2009 has been and will continue to be a wonderful year for our family.

Wishing all of you out in blog land a Happy Thanksgiving.

PS--Stay tuned for adorable pictures from Kiya's birthday party :)

6 months ago

Six months ago today, we brought home our little peanut. She was 5 1/2 months and just as cute and as sweet as can be. She was wearing some 0-3 month cloths and some 3-6 month. She weighed barely 12lbs and was just over 2 ft long.

Six months later she is 2 weeks shy of her 1st birthday and still just as cute and sweet with a bigger than life personality thrown in. She is now fully in 12 month cloths working her way on to 12-18 month. She weighs, we are guessing close to 20lbs and is about 30 inches long.

On days like today, I remember fondly my time in Ethiopia. I miss it really. There is so much more I want to see and learn and experience. This wonderful country will always be dear to my heart and I eagerly await the day I can share it with Kiya.

While 6 months seems like such a short time and it is, I just can't imagine my life without her. Our whole lives changed the day we got on that plane and we haven't looked back. We continue to watch in amazement as Kiya grows from an infant to a toddler.

So as we gear up to celebrate her 1st birthday, we are also taking time to remember and pray for dear Zinash. We haven't figured out how but on Kiya's birthday we plan to incorporate a special prayer for her. Sure we are doing the big birthday cake thing on Thanksgiving a few days before her birthday but on the actual day the 3 of us are going to do something special to honor and remember Zinash for without her love and courage, we wouldn't have our sweet Kiya.

So in love...

Kiya is 9 months old today and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine being so in love. She is amazing and beautiful and silly and perfect. I am truly blessed and honored to be her mother.

I am convinced there is no greater feeling than being a Mom. I didn't really comprehend that until I was actually a Mom. To see the growth and progress, the smiles, the laughs just melts my heart in a way I wasn't ready for. It at times has brought tears to my eyes.

Kiya's presence has filled a void in my heart. I knew for many years that something was missing and thanks to the absolute love of a woman 7000 miles away I have a lovely and sweet little girl.

On days like today I think a lot about Zinash. What is she doing? Is she still grieving? Will I be able to accurately tell Kiya just how much she loved her? Will I be able to hug her and see her again?

The bond I have with Zinash was something I am not sure I was ready for either. To have met her on Mother's Day and to feel that connection instantly was completely overwhelming. I am not 100% sure I have truly processed that yet. I will never forget the hugs and tears we shared and the love that was so obvious and so present. She in short is my hero. She was braver and stronger than I ever could have been. I love this woman and she will always have a place in my heart and in my family.

I wish there was some way I could tell her and show her just how amazing Kiya is. We will write post placement reports for the next 18 years and they will be sent to Ethiopia where Zinash can go and see them if she chooses but will she? I don't know and I will never know and that is a little sad yet I understand if she needs to not see them as well.

I know this post is a little unfocused but it is the ramblings of me and what I am processing right now. At this moment I am truly amazed at the love I feel for Kiya and for Zinash. No book or DVD or pre-adoption workshop can prepare you for the feelings that come after the fact. I had to live it and breathe it all in to finally start to grasp it all. It is a lot to take in and a lot to handle. Do I fully understand the scope of this adoption, of my love for Kiya and Zinash and of how things will be in the future? No, I for sure don't have all the answers but I am processing. I will always be processing.

Meanwhile I am so in love with my little girl and I can't wait to see what happens next.

Finally!!!

Well, I gave in and called our doctor. The news we were waiting for on Peanut has arrived and it is good news.

Peanut had tested positive for Hepatitis C antibodies which means she was exposed to hepatitis C at some point in her young life, most likely from her mother. An additional test was run to see if she did in fact have the virus and she does not. YEAH!

She is not 100% out of the woods and we will be seeing a pediatric specialist to monitor the situation probably until Peanut is at least 18 months old. It is a very good sign that she does not have the virus now as the rate of transmission from mother to child is around 5%. We have done a TON of research on Hep. C and are prepared to deal with it were she to contract the virus. If she were to get it, she would lead a normal life and just have as a friend stated "a more intimate relationship with her doctor."

Sigh of relief for Peanut today but a heavy heart for her beautiful mother, Zinash. I pray that she doesn't have hepatitis C and was just a carrier of the antibodies. I pray that if she were to get sick at all that she could find the medical care necessary. The really sad part is I know it is unlikely she could find that care and that truly breaks my heart. She is such a beautiful woman with hopes and dreams and I wish her nothing but health and happiness.

Family Day

We met Peanut one month ago. We became united as a family. We had been a family for many months but we were finally physically together. May 8th will forever be Peanut day in our household. So for this post I will look back on the day we met our precious little girl.


It was a Friday morning in Ethiopia. We had gotten little sleep as we arrived late the night before. All the families gathered for breakfast and then we headed out to the main office for a brief orientation.

Honestly, I remember very little about the orientation other than them telling us how friendly and affectionate Ethiopian people are and that if we needed anything at all to ask the guesthouse manager. I found both to be very true statements.


We then herded back on the bus for the short drive to the care center. I was nervous, excited and already on the verge of tears. This was it. I was finally going to be able to hold my daughter in my arms. I have dreamed of this day for many many years.

We waited our turn and went up stairs, the tears rolling down my face. I had no idea what was about to happen and then we got to the 4th floor and walked in the room. I saw her immediately. She was on the floor doing tummy time. Our social worker bent down to grab her and I remember that Peanut spit up. We got that cleaned up and then our social worker handed her to me. Oh my goodness. Never has anything felt more perfect. It was like she was made just for us. She just fit so perfectly in our arms. I didn't really want to let her go but at one point turned to my husband and asked him if he wanted to hold her. Duh, of course he did. I could see it in his eyes. And what a beautiful sight it was to see Daddy finally holding his little Peanut.


I remember that she was so smiley at first and then got really serious. She wasn't sure what was going on. She was so alert and so aware that things were a little different now. I will forever be grateful that we have our first moments with her on DVD. I have watched it twice now and it still gets to me each time and I am guessing it will get me every time I watch it.


These are moments that will forever be ingrained in my head and my heart. The months of waiting had come to an end. Finally meeting Peanut made all of those long months make sense. I hit a really rough spot emotionally during the wait in November of 2008. Little did I know that during that same month my daughter was born and her mother was facing a very difficult decision. God definitely had a hand in Peanut finding us and in guiding her dear birth mother during this difficult time. There are no words to ever be able to express my gratitude for this beautiful gift of a daughter.


This whole journey to Ethiopia has forever changed my life in ways that I cannot even begin to express. My life isn't just about me or us any more. We are now a family of 3 and still growing.

The second best day of my trip

When we were called I immediately started to cry. I was completely overwhelmed by what was about to happen. It is Mother’s Day and I am meeting Zinash, the woman who gave me the greatest gift in the world.

We walked into the room and I immediately asked if I could give her a hug. She let Dave and I both hug her. She was a little shy and quiet. She was grateful that we were there and loved having the picture of Peanut. We promised her that we would make sure the frame we left behind would get to her and she said she was grateful.

We asked her a few questions and she asked us a few. It was a brief meeting but the best meeting of my whole life. She is truly a beautiful young woman and I can’t wait to tell Peanut all about her.

After our meeting we were able to go outside and take pictures. We have a few on our camera and the CHSFS staff took a picture of the 3 of us together and printed it out and gave it to her right there. I thought that was really great. We are also blessed to have a professional photographer on our trip and he is taking some amazing pictures and is going to share with all of us. He is traveling with another couple and we are all so glad that he is here.

Once the meetings were complete, we had a beautiful and emotional prayer exchange with the birth families. Tears were flowing around the room. The birth parents said a prayer and then lit a candle and gave it to us and then the adoptive parents said a prayer. The whole ceremony was so touching. After that we had to say goodbye to the birth parents.

Zinash came forward and we hugged and cried and hugged some more. We hugged so tight I thought we would never let go. She hugged Dave and then she was off. I feel so fortunate that we were able to have this experience. Today was definitely the second best day of the trip. I have so much to share with Peanut when she is ready and I have these amazing pictures of the most beautiful woman to show her.

It was very obvious today that Zinash loved Peanut very much and to see and hear all that she said touched my soul. I walked away from this meeting knowing that Zinash will forever be in my heart and I owe it to her to make sure that Peanut knows just how much she is loved here in the US and in Ethiopia.

I'm back :)

Well my break is officially over. I AM BUYING PLANE TICKETS TODAY!!!! We got the call and the confirmation we have been waiting for. We leave in 19 days!!!!!

3 weeks from today I get to meet my precious little girl for the first time. I get to hold her in my arms and kiss those adorable cheeks of hers. I am going to be a wreck. I just know it and it will all be caught on video but oh well. My dreams are coming true.

This is really happening. I am really going to Ethiopia and coming home with my beautiful daughter. I want to take the whole experience in and cherish every minute of it. This is a trip of a lifetime and if I am so fortunate I will get to spend Mother's Day with some of Peanut's birth family.

Now I really do have to pack. WOW! That one phone call today made my weekend. 19 days baby girl. We will finally be united as a family. I can't wait. Good thing I have lots to do to pass the time...

Retail Therapy

Today marks the second day in a row I could go outside without a jacket. If you don't live in the Midwest, this is a big deal. I believe it is only the 3rd time so far this year I have been out without a jacket. Finally. It amazes me how much sunshine can affect ones mood. So that said I decided to get out of the house today and enjoy. I stopped at my favorite local coffee shop for my favorite Large Iced Americano. YUMMY! From there I decided I was going to go grab a few things to bring with us to Illinois this weekend. We are going to visit some very dear friends and their adorable children so I wanted to get some fun stuff to bring the kids. No worries some good Wisconsin beer will be purchased so the adults can have a little fun too. :) While I was wandering around the store I felt pulled in a few directions and not really sure why.

So on top of what I purchased for the kids and the house, I bought this hinged picture frame. When we travel to bring home Peanut, we may be blessed enough to meet members of her first family and we are allowed to give them a hinged picture frame with pictures of us and of Peanut.

On my way to the back of the store, I turned down an aisle and saw this clock. I just mentioned that we should get a travel alarm clock and bam here it is.

Lastly on the way to the checkout I went down the aisle that sold hair dryers. I didn't really need to go down that aisle but happened to find this on sale and figured it would be perfect for travel. It has dual voltage too.

Retail therapy does wonders sometimes. I avoided the baby section since I am going to an AWESOME baby resale with my friend on Saturday. Cute baby clothes and no husbands to stop us from all that adorableness.

Don't get me wrong, my heart is still heavy with everything that is going on and to top it off the sad news found here http://www.thereisnomewithoutyou.com/blog?op=view&id=64 but I can't drown myself in Hazelnut Apricot cake forever. Okay I could but that would be a bad idea. So please keep all the little kiddos in Ethiopia in your prayers as well as the care givers and the people making all these decisions. I pray for the best interests of the children. And if you haven't read "There is no me without you", you should. It is a sad day in Ethiopia. She was truly an angel on Earth and her presence will be greatly missed.

Done

I have just finished reading "There is no me without you." Wow.... This book touched a place in me that I didn't know existed. The courageous story of a simple woman out to care for the orphaned children of Ethiopia some with HIV and some without. The struggles both personal and professional and her strength and sometimes her weakness really touched a soft spot in my soul.

I have learned so much about the birth place of my daughter. Everything from how to correctly pronounce Addis (ah-deece) Ababa (a-bah bah) to the inner struggles to live day to day with nothing and sometimes there really was nothing. This place was such a mystery to me and much of it always will be yet I felt that by reading this book, I got to look at a small slice of the mystery. To read about the heartbreaking separation of children from their families was unbelievably moving. To read about the struggles of young mothers and fathers trying desperately to raise their families. To read about how AIDS nearly devastated the entire country and if it weren't for a brave few I am not sure what Ethiopia would look like right now. Needless to say I cried at many points throughout this book.

I cried out of frustration with the system. I cried for the children and their parents. I cried for the adoptive parents and their faith and belief that everything will be okay. I cried sometimes out of sheer anger. Anger that there wasn't a simple solution; that we couldn't wave a magic wand and make the heartache, the desperation, death all go away. I cried as the newly American children relived their grief and remembered their life in Ethiopia. I cried because it so important that my daughter knows Ethiopia and knows the beauty of her homeland and her culture. I cried for my daughter. She will not remember Ethiopia. She will know only the things we share with her and then when we take her to see it for herself, I can only hope the she realizes we tried to do right by Ethiopia.

I am really glad that I took the time to read this book. I fully understand why it is on every Adoptive Parents 'must read' list. I am not sure I have processed all of this book yet. There are many questions in my head and I am sure some of the answers are out there and some may not be.

I am on a mission. While we are in Ethiopia, I am going to write down everything and anything I can no matter how trivial it may seem. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the weather, the signs, everything. I am there to learn and soak up as much as I can so I can pass that on to my daughter. I always knew that I wanted to do that but somehow this book reinforced the importance of that. Reading about the newly adopted children and their new families gave me a little perspective.

This is so much bigger than me having a daughter. I am adding a daughter yes but also her birth family into my heart. I hope I am blessed enough to meet someone in Peanut's birth family. I want to tell them that we will love her with all our hearts and promise them that she will know Ethiopia. That we are not 2 separate families anymore but we are joined as one because of the love we share for Peanut. I realize this may not happen but for now I need to hold on to that. I will deal with that loss if I must when the time comes and I will find a way to explain all of this to Peanut when she is old enough.