35 and life

I have my laptop back so hoping blogging will become more frequent but no guarantees.

I recently turned 35. Yup I am 5 years away from the big 40. How did this happen? Where did the time go? I am not completely sure. What I am sure of is a few things. My life is not anything I thought it would be and yet I wouldn't change a thing.

First off I knew I wanted to get married. I just had to find the right guy. Lucky for me I met him when I was almost 20. I knew pretty early on that this was the guy I wanted to spend my life with. I am pretty lucky. I dreamed of our wedding, our future, our family and so much more.

My wedding was nothing shy of perfect. There were a few little behind the scenes things but all in all it was everything I wanted and more.

I had a job that I loved, a new husband and I lived in sunny CA oh and we got our first little one, our pug Sebastian. He was my baby for so many years and he still is. If you had asked me then that 11 years later I would be living in WI, working at a bank, having just one child and another pug I would have told you all you were CRAZY. If you then told me that I would never get pregnant, travel to Ethiopia and Korea before I stepped foot in more than just an airport in Europe, I would have deemed you certifiably NUTS.

Me not live in CA? No way. Me quit my Student Affairs career, nope not going to happen. Have only one child at age 35, uh no. I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30. I was finally blessed with the gift of motherhood just weeks shy of my 33rd birthday while traveling in Ethiopia. My next little isn't yet known to me(hopefully soon) and they won't be joining us here in lovely WI until I am 36.

I am a planner and I had my life planned out in my head anyway. I got married at 23, wanted to have 2 maybe 3 kids by my early 30's at the latest. I dreamed of advancing in my career in higher education and of traveling. When things started to not go my way it was tough. I am a complete control freak and when I couldn't control or fix our infertility it was beyond frustrating but it did teach me a lot.  I learned that when my plans don't work out I may be devastated but a door is opening some place else I just need to be willing to look for it.

I have found many doors. The doors that led me to adoption. To international adoption. The doors that led me to my amazing cast mom friends and Shriner's hospital. I am very blessed.

My life may not be what I pictured it would be a t 35 but as I look back I wouldn't change a thing. There were some tough times in there and all of those made me a stronger person. I had to fight through. I was forced to set my plans aside and really dig deep. Really dig to the depths of my soul. Did I want to be pregnant or be a Mom? I wanted to be a Mom. I didn't need to be pregnant. In fact I laugh with friends that I have this amazing daughter and soon to be little one and didn't have the weight gain, back aches or labor. Did I really want to be a career driven Mom or a stay at home Mom? I really really want to be a stay at home mom and we are getting closer to that being a reality. Nothing against working moms but it just isn't for me. I want to enjoy as much of my kids when they are little as I can.

No one wants anything to be wrong with their kids but life happens and as such doors were opened to the world of scoliosis.  I wish I didn't have to deal with it yet with it came this amazing group of women that I am honored to call my friends. From each of them I have learned so much. I pray our next child will not have any unexpected medical issues but I know that with life and international adoption there are no guarantees and because I was thrown a curve back the first time I know that I can handle whatever is thrown at me this time.

As I look back at life, I have left some of the planner behind. I cringe when I hear younger people talk about all the plans they have and when they want to have kids, etc. I hope for their sake it all comes true but if it doesn't the disappoint can be a lot to handle. It was for me anyway and took me a little while to get my head back on straight.

I tend to roll with life a little better now which is good. I struggled as a new mom when Kiya wasn't doing things other kids her age did but I just let that go. Kiya is amazing and perfect in her own way. She may not jump and she can't swim or run as fast but I want her to learn from my self inflicted pressure that it is perfectly okay to do things at your own pace.

If my plans had come true I wouldn't have Kiya. I wouldn't be anxiously awaiting for the phone to ring with news of our next little one. I wouldn't be still picking out baby names or looking at flight options to Korea.

I am a very blessed individual. I have this amazing family, great friends and better yet one and soon to be 2 amazing kids. So while life isn't what I thought it would be I am so beyond grateful that life is what it is. I am a very lucky girl.

18 months ago

18 months ago yesterday I walked up 4 flights of stairs and saw my sweet baby girl on the floor. Seconds later her nanny handed her to me and my 6 year long dream of being a mother had finally and really come true.

Here she was this tiny little almost 6 month old piece of perfection. She weighed 12lbs and couldn't hold her head up straight when she was sitting. She couldn't sit up unassisted and she couldn't really bare any weight on her legs. She was so tiny and sweet and well beautiful. I was in love. The feeling was definitely not mutual at first.

Kiya didn't really like or want to be held a lot. She was very independent and very cautious with her eye contact. Sh didn't trust me. To her I was merely a meeter of needs. Food, shelter, clothing, etc. I wasn't yet truly her mother.

Now 18 months later, Miss Kiya loves to snuggle and give hugs and kisses. She can be a little on the clingy side more recently but that is age appropriate. She is a walking, talking, independent and lovely little girl.

We have come a long way in 18 months. She is coming into her own in this new role of being a big girl. She was never much of a baby baby. She never really liked bottles and she still likes to do things or try them by herself. We saw her strength in her referral picture. We knew she was one tough and cautious cookie. Cautious in the who are you and what do you want way. She is a little bit of a daredevil otherwise. She was more so before her cast but that doesn't stop her from trying to climb on the couch or out of bed.

She is smart, funny and really very sweet. These 18 months have not always been easy and she has faced some obstacles but has bounced back and is truly a resilient kid. She never ceases to amaze me.

We have developed this wonderful relationship that I hope nurtures and grows. She listens to me and I to her. We don't always agree and well since she is almost 2 you can imagine the meltdowns but either way our relationship is beautiful. It took time and will always need work but the big thing is she trusts me. She needs me. I need her. We need each other. She has taught me so much and I look forward to teaching her and watching her grow.

And while I rely on 4 shot lattes to get me through toddlerhood, I am so in love with this amazing little person. She challenges me and tests me and sometimes that is hard but it comes with being a parent. And I LOVE being a parent.

The depths of motherhood

This post has been in my head for awhile...not sure I am really read to write it but I am going to take a stab at it.

Motherhood was not always my dream. When I was 18 I was pretty sure I didn't want to have kids. When that changed I wanted a boy for sure no girls. Like I could have a say in that. Then I met my husband and I knew for sure that some day I wanted to be a mom and it really didn't matter if it was boy or a girl. I just had this gut feeling.

My journey to motherhood was challenging and full of heartache at times. There were needles and tests and drugs and waiting and more waiting and lots and lots of tears and stress. Then we decided to adopt. And with that there came waiting, heartache, tears and finally one cold day in January a call forever changed my life. I saw my daughter's face that day and I knew deep down in my soul that we meant for each other. I knew she had gone through so much and that she was so so tiny and so vulnerable and that somewhere 7000 miles away a dear, loving woman made a very difficult choice deep seated in her love for that little girl. The little girl I call my daughter.

All along my journey to motherhood, I am not sure I really got what it meant to be a mother through and through. Sure there is the day to day meeting of basic needs but it is so much more than that. Motherhood runs deep through me to my very core. I wasn't really prepared for how intensely you can love, nurture and advocate for a child. I didn't get it. I get it now.

My sweet Kiya is truly a gift from God. She is a force of nature and I have learned in these recent months that there is nothing I wouldn't do for this little girl. Nothing. A dear friend said on Tuesday, cast day, that she forgot for a moment that Kiya was adopted. She saw pure love, connection and family that day. That really touched me. I don't think too much about it but to know that someone looking in at our family saw just that a family formed by pure love...well there are no words to describe how that makes me feel. It is what I always hoped and dreamed about but to know that it shows through to others unfamiliar with adoption tugged at my heart.

Motherhood has forever changed me in ways I never dreamed possible and while my path to motherhood was long and difficult I wouldn't change a thing. I can't envision it any other way. We truly were supposed to be mother and daughter. I can't thank dear Zinash enough...she did something I could never have done. Her love for our little girl is so amazing. The depths of motherhood ran deep through her as well. They had to. For her to willingly place her daughter in the hands of strangers. Wow. She is a pillar of strength and part of my heart will always belong to her.

Being a mom is the best and hardest job I have ever had. I love my sweet girl more than I ever thought possible. I will fight for her when she can't and I will stand by her always. I don't think I fully understood this until we had to face the reality of her scoliosis. It has made our bond run deeper. It had too. She was scared. I was scared. I had to tap into a reserve of strength I didn't know I had. Why? Because my daughter needed me. I wouldn't have found this strength without her. She is my motivation. My driving force. She is my daughter and it became all to real that the world better not stand in her way or mine.

Kiya's weekend adventures part 1

We took Kiya to Wisconsin Dells this weekend to hang out with some very dear friends. This was her first trip to a waterpark. We knew she loved water given the crazy splashing and giggles that are bath time but we weren't sure how she would do. Here are some pictures. SHE LOVED IT! She was so brave and had so much fun.

The wave pool was hands down her favorite part and thus where we spent most of our time. She wasn't afraid at all. The more the waves hit her the more she smiled and laughed.

She wanted to walk in the waves. She pretty much insisted on it. She wanted to go farther and farther in.


We didn't get any pictures but she also loved the small water slides. Dave would bring her up to the top and I would catch her at the bottom. A couple of times her head would go part of the way underwater and I thought she would get scared but boy was I wrong. She thought it was great. We tried the Lazy River and she hated that. Not enough excitement for her I guess :)

Kiya had a fabulous weekend overall. She slept pretty well, ate pretty well and was in generally a good mood most of the time. A little quiet at times in bigger groups but you could tell she was having fun. One thing is for sure, it appears that we have a little dare devil on our hands.

On a personal note, I had a BLAST being a Mom this weekend. There was nothing better than watching the pure joy and smiles and laughs. It melted my heart. I just loved it. The whole weekend was wonderful. Traveling with a toddler can be tricky and in the past we have had our moments but Kiya was just the sweetest, silliest and best kid ever this weekend. Of course we always think she is the best kid ever :)

Stay tuned for video....pending me being able to figure it out :)

9 months home

9 months. 3/4 of a year. I can't believe it and yet sometimes these last 9 months have been more unbelievable than I ever could have imagined.

Being a Mom is everything I thought it would be and so much more and sometimes that has been a good thing and sometimes a not so good thing. I want to believe that I am a good mom. Deep down I know I am. I am doing the best I can at every given moment but it isn't easy. I am not sure I thought it would be but it is hands down the toughest job I could ever imagine.

I have come along way in realizing my own motherhood in these last 9 months. I have learned to let go a little but not too much. I have really and truly fallen in love with my daughter and with my role as her mother. That didn't happen over night nor did I think it would. Kiya and I had to figure each other out, I think we are starting to get there but we aren't totally there yet.

We have our good moments like when she climbs into my lap and wants me to read a story or when she snuggles her head on my shoulder or gives me that goofy grin as she hands a piece of food over the side of the high chair to Badger. There are so so many good moments...too many to list. She is the highlight of my life and I really at this point can't imagine my life being any different.

We have our not so good moments too though like when she hits me repeatedly or when she shys away from a hug or when she wants nothing to do with me when other people are around. I know the hitting is a developmental thing and I know other moms who are the targets for such aggression but it still stings both literally and figuratively.

The not wanting a hug or anything to do with me (or so it seems) brings me back to when we were first home. Just when I think that we are truly attached and bonded and one or both of these things happen and I wonder. Maybe we aren't as securely bonded as I would like to think...maybe we have more work to do.

When I think about it, we will always have work to do. We will have our highs and lows and all I can do is weather them, and be a strong, supportive mother. That is easier said than done while she is screaming and kicking on the floor but I have learned that I have to trust my mommy instincts.

I spend the most time with Miss Kiya and I am so grateful to have that time. We have learned a lot about each other in these last 9 months and I look forward to what lies ahead. She is an amazing little girl and there is really nothing I wouldn't do for her. I am her Mom and her best advocate. I will stand up for her when she can't and stand by her when she is ready. We will have our highs and lows as all mothers and daughters do.

9 months. The best and most challenging 9 months of my life. And while there have been some lows, I wouldn't change any of it because the highs we have experienced far outweigh those few lows. I live for those highs. I live for the smiles, the hugs, the goofiness, the non stop chatter and everything that is my little girl.