This blog breaks my heart
Ethiopian Adoption Truth
Adoption is not for the faint of heart. Reading the stories, listening to my fellow adoptive parents has opened my eyes to the sad realities.
I cannot honestly say that for 100% sure everything we learned about Kiya's life pre-adoption is the truth. That is a hard thing to swallow. I want to believe it. I have the words in writing and on DVD but how do I know that is the truth? Will I ever know? If we hire our own translator while in Ethiopia maybe but maybe not.
We learned recently that the orphanage where Kiya spent her first few weeks was one of more than 10 orphanages closed in Ethiopia. I don't normally talk about adoption ethics on here but this was just too much. Ethics have been on my mind for awhile. It was one of the major reasons we made the difficult decision to not adopt from Ethiopia again.
Things in Ethiopia adoptions are a complete mess. There are investigations, orphanage closures and worst kids and families both adoptive and birth caught in the middle. It is tragic. Agencies are lengthening timelines, asking families to consider other adoption avenues. This is not boding well for Ethiopian adoptions. I cringe a little when someone tells me they are starting an Ethiopian adoption. Don't get me wrong a piece of my heart will always belong in Ethiopia. I fell in love. I can't wait to show Kiya the beauty that is Ethiopia. The corruption, the lies, the falsified paperwork and stories is all just too much.
How am I supposed to explain this? How will I answer the tough questions? Our 2 daughters adoptions are so very different. How am I supposed to explain that? I know this post may not make sense but I had to write something. I just couldn't keep it to myself anymore. My heart is breaking. I feel for all of the families caught in the middle both birth and adoptive. I pray that a system will emerge so that ethical adoptions could continue in Ethiopia but I am not sure that is even possible.
Sigh.....double sigh.....
Showing posts with label ethics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ethics. Show all posts
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Meant to be?
There has been a discussion well lots of them really that are pretty heavy and sometimes hard to read and sometimes even really judgemental. What about, well adoption of course and more specifically, adopting from Ethiopia.
So, was I meant to be Kiya's mother? I think that is a tough question but I strongly feel that yes I was meant to be Kiya's mother if her Ethiopian mother couldn't take care of her. A child is naturally meant to be with their biological parents however the world isn't always wrapped up in a nice little box. Sometimes, reality steps in and gets in the way as is the case with our adoption of Kiya. For circumstances beyond poverty, Kiya's Mama Zinash chose to place her for adoption. As such we were matched with her. So yes we were meant to be Kiya's and she was meant to be ours.
Digging a little further, someone asked me if we had known about Kiya's scoliosis at the time of referral would we still have adopted her? I can't even think about that. Because the reality is we didn't know about it and because we didn't know about it she was matched with us. If it was known, Kiya would not be a member of this family. She would be someone elses and that is just something I frankly cannot stomach.
Kiya fits here curvy back and all. I do think there was a greater force that connected us together. Sadly, yes Kiya had to leave a mother, a country, a home, a culture behind and that is something we will never forget. That said, adoption turned our world upside down in the most beautiful way and I am grateful for that.
Sure there have been some unexpected things thrown our way but Kiya is Kiya. She is sweet and sassy, loud and funny, opinionated and stubborn and yes she has a curve in her spine. It is who she is. That said we are not heros, or saviors or rescuers. We are merely a couple that wanted to have a family. So we sought out adoption. We are not bad people for doing so. Our adoption was the right thing for our family. It would make more sense if I just spilled Kiya's story but I can't and I won't. Just trust me. Adoption was the right thing for her and even more so now.
Her scoliosis may have gone forever undiagnosed and even if it was diagnosed it for sure wouldn't have been treated. Not treating progressive infantile scoliosis can be fatal. Her rib cage is shifting and thus in time could put pressure on her internal organs protected by that rib cage. That is a scary thought.
I have always thought positively about my adoption and now with a medical condition I am grateful that she is here with us and we are seeking the best treatment for her. That said, I don't deny there are issues in Ethiopia. There are some BIG issues in adoption in Ethiopia. These scare me. I worry we will not be adding a son to our family from Ethiopia because of all of these BIG issues and BAD agencies doing truly unethical things. I can't ignore the issues, but I can't ignore the place I fell in love with . The place where my daughter was born. I dream of my children sharing a cultural connection, is that wrong? To some yes, yes it is. But for my family it isn't wrong.
So, was I meant to be Kiya's mother? I think that is a tough question but I strongly feel that yes I was meant to be Kiya's mother if her Ethiopian mother couldn't take care of her. A child is naturally meant to be with their biological parents however the world isn't always wrapped up in a nice little box. Sometimes, reality steps in and gets in the way as is the case with our adoption of Kiya. For circumstances beyond poverty, Kiya's Mama Zinash chose to place her for adoption. As such we were matched with her. So yes we were meant to be Kiya's and she was meant to be ours.
Digging a little further, someone asked me if we had known about Kiya's scoliosis at the time of referral would we still have adopted her? I can't even think about that. Because the reality is we didn't know about it and because we didn't know about it she was matched with us. If it was known, Kiya would not be a member of this family. She would be someone elses and that is just something I frankly cannot stomach.
Kiya fits here curvy back and all. I do think there was a greater force that connected us together. Sadly, yes Kiya had to leave a mother, a country, a home, a culture behind and that is something we will never forget. That said, adoption turned our world upside down in the most beautiful way and I am grateful for that.
Sure there have been some unexpected things thrown our way but Kiya is Kiya. She is sweet and sassy, loud and funny, opinionated and stubborn and yes she has a curve in her spine. It is who she is. That said we are not heros, or saviors or rescuers. We are merely a couple that wanted to have a family. So we sought out adoption. We are not bad people for doing so. Our adoption was the right thing for our family. It would make more sense if I just spilled Kiya's story but I can't and I won't. Just trust me. Adoption was the right thing for her and even more so now.
Her scoliosis may have gone forever undiagnosed and even if it was diagnosed it for sure wouldn't have been treated. Not treating progressive infantile scoliosis can be fatal. Her rib cage is shifting and thus in time could put pressure on her internal organs protected by that rib cage. That is a scary thought.
I have always thought positively about my adoption and now with a medical condition I am grateful that she is here with us and we are seeking the best treatment for her. That said, I don't deny there are issues in Ethiopia. There are some BIG issues in adoption in Ethiopia. These scare me. I worry we will not be adding a son to our family from Ethiopia because of all of these BIG issues and BAD agencies doing truly unethical things. I can't ignore the issues, but I can't ignore the place I fell in love with . The place where my daughter was born. I dream of my children sharing a cultural connection, is that wrong? To some yes, yes it is. But for my family it isn't wrong.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
International adoption, Ethiopia, Little Man and more
This is a heavy post. Just an FYI. It is me sorting through some tough stuff.
We just got word the other day that our agency has officially extended the wait time for referral of a child age 0-24months to 16-24months. Not a shock, we fully expected this. The shock came in the same announcement that they have stopped accepting applications for the Ethiopia program effective immediately for families looking to adopt a child 0-24 months. Reality is they probably should have done this sooner but it is what it is. We just barely made that cut off.
Our hearts belong in Ethiopia and in a way they always will. Can I say at this writing that I am 100% sure that our Little Man will be born in Ethiopia, no I can't. My deep seeded fear that is surfacing more and more each day is that Ethiopia will shut down to international adoption before we can realize the dream of a son. Do I know that will happen, no but it is a fear and I believe a good one. There are a lot of red flags and warning signs right now and it is a scary thing.
So then what? Well, if that happens we would definitely have to switch agencies. While I can't say my son will be born in Ethiopia, I would like to confidently say that he would be born in Africa or the Caribbean. I feel and believe that in my heart. Our current agency doesn't have any other programs in either of those places right now. We are pretty sure we know what agency we would switch to. The list is short.
There is always domestic adoption but I honestly don't know if I could ever go back to that. I just don't have the heart for it. Can I say I would 100% rule it out as an option, no but I have a lot more soul searching to do before that would become a reality. I admire those willing to tough it out. I am not that strong. I was strong once and I don't think I could be that strong again. I don't know.
Absolute worst case scenario, and yes we talked about this just last night. We have a daughter. A beautiful daughter that we love more than anything in this world and we are so honored to be her parents. If that is it for us, one child then we couldn't ask for a more perfect child. Yes, this brings tears to my eyes and it scares me.
There was a time in my life that I wasn't sure I even wanted to have children. That changed and I LOVE being a mom. I would love to have more than one child but in reality it isn't up to us. God made that pretty clear. He led us to adoption once and is leading us there again and we just have to have faith. That is a whole lot easier said than done.
International adoption is never a guarantee and it is definitely not an easy path. We knew that going in though it was much harder than I thought it would be. We want our adoptions to be ethical and above board. Ethics to be honest wasn't always a topic on the table. I feel I have come along way in my thought process and I owe that to wise AP's who have come before me. They have made me think. Really think. I have said this before that I feel that Kiya's adoption was above board and ethical. I want the same feeling when we adopt our son be it from Ethiopia or some place else.
As we gear up to start waiting, my plan is to focus on today. Focus on this beautiful little girl in my life and cherish every moment with her. We can deal with the reality of adoption, when we need to. Right now we need to be the best parents we can to Kiya. She deserves nothing less than our very best. She will keep us going and going and going I have a feeling but every tired moment is so worth it.
Don't get me wrong, I pray everyday that our Little Man will join our family some time in the future but I also realize that at some point Little Man may be another daughter or may not be at all. Time will tell and what is supposed to be will be. We are merely waiting for more instructions.
We just got word the other day that our agency has officially extended the wait time for referral of a child age 0-24months to 16-24months. Not a shock, we fully expected this. The shock came in the same announcement that they have stopped accepting applications for the Ethiopia program effective immediately for families looking to adopt a child 0-24 months. Reality is they probably should have done this sooner but it is what it is. We just barely made that cut off.
Our hearts belong in Ethiopia and in a way they always will. Can I say at this writing that I am 100% sure that our Little Man will be born in Ethiopia, no I can't. My deep seeded fear that is surfacing more and more each day is that Ethiopia will shut down to international adoption before we can realize the dream of a son. Do I know that will happen, no but it is a fear and I believe a good one. There are a lot of red flags and warning signs right now and it is a scary thing.
So then what? Well, if that happens we would definitely have to switch agencies. While I can't say my son will be born in Ethiopia, I would like to confidently say that he would be born in Africa or the Caribbean. I feel and believe that in my heart. Our current agency doesn't have any other programs in either of those places right now. We are pretty sure we know what agency we would switch to. The list is short.
There is always domestic adoption but I honestly don't know if I could ever go back to that. I just don't have the heart for it. Can I say I would 100% rule it out as an option, no but I have a lot more soul searching to do before that would become a reality. I admire those willing to tough it out. I am not that strong. I was strong once and I don't think I could be that strong again. I don't know.
Absolute worst case scenario, and yes we talked about this just last night. We have a daughter. A beautiful daughter that we love more than anything in this world and we are so honored to be her parents. If that is it for us, one child then we couldn't ask for a more perfect child. Yes, this brings tears to my eyes and it scares me.
There was a time in my life that I wasn't sure I even wanted to have children. That changed and I LOVE being a mom. I would love to have more than one child but in reality it isn't up to us. God made that pretty clear. He led us to adoption once and is leading us there again and we just have to have faith. That is a whole lot easier said than done.
International adoption is never a guarantee and it is definitely not an easy path. We knew that going in though it was much harder than I thought it would be. We want our adoptions to be ethical and above board. Ethics to be honest wasn't always a topic on the table. I feel I have come along way in my thought process and I owe that to wise AP's who have come before me. They have made me think. Really think. I have said this before that I feel that Kiya's adoption was above board and ethical. I want the same feeling when we adopt our son be it from Ethiopia or some place else.
As we gear up to start waiting, my plan is to focus on today. Focus on this beautiful little girl in my life and cherish every moment with her. We can deal with the reality of adoption, when we need to. Right now we need to be the best parents we can to Kiya. She deserves nothing less than our very best. She will keep us going and going and going I have a feeling but every tired moment is so worth it.
Don't get me wrong, I pray everyday that our Little Man will join our family some time in the future but I also realize that at some point Little Man may be another daughter or may not be at all. Time will tell and what is supposed to be will be. We are merely waiting for more instructions.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The tough stuff
The Australian Broadcasting Company put out this article/video this week.
WARNING--the video is VERY unpleasant to watch. I did watch it and I cried, I got angry and now I need to write.
The basis is that there is a lot of corruption in Ethiopian adoption. The article/video focus on one specific agency but imply that many adoption agencies operating in Ethiopia are in fact unlicensed and unregulated. It goes on the imply that Americans are flocking to adopt "orphans" because it is the new hip thing to do after all Angelina Jolie did it. The article questions whether orphans are really being adopted or if Ethiopians are being wrongly taken advantage of. The idea of a DVD catalog of children available for adoption in a word is HORRIBLE. That alone would have been a HUGE red flag to not go further for me.
Here is what I think take it or leave it. Is there corruption in Ethiopian adoptions, unfortunately yes. I have heard the stories. Were some people misinformed about their child's age, birth date, history, medical conditions--unfortunately yes. Do I think that some birth families were deceived? I would like to say no but I can't 100% say that. Do I think all adoptions from Ethiopia are corrupt? No. I think there are plenty of great agencies big and small doing amazing work in Ethiopia. It is unfortunate that a few bad seeds cast a bad light on all Ethiopian adoptions.
What does this mean for my family? Good question. I have to take ownership that I can't say for 100% sure that my daughter's story is accurate however I feel very confident that it is. I feel her birth date is completely accurate and I don't feel I as an adoptive parent was duped or lied to in any way. I trust my agency and that is why we are sticking with them. Are they people that don't like my agency? Sure and each person has their own reasons but we haven't had a bad experience.
Do I think Kiya's birth mom was lied to? No I don't. She was very aware and present in our meeting and asked us some great questions. Are we bad people for adopting a child that has a mother living in Ethiopia? NO! Some people try to imply that the only children that should be adopted are those with no living parents. Zinash had deep, very personal reasons for placing Kiya for adoption and it saddens me to this day. She loved Kiya and I saw it in her tears and on her face and in her words. She had her reasons just like any birth mom here in the US does and I don't think we as adoptive parents should be labeled nor should she as a birth mom.
International adoption is a murky world. Add in that we are adopting from a developing country and things get even a little murkier (is that word???). Anyway, the point is that as adoptive parents we have to do all we can to make sure our children's adoptions are ethical. I feel that my daughter's was. Not everyone can say that and that saddens me and my heart goes out to them. I wish we could all feel confident in our children's story but such is not the case and that to be honest is a little scary. We as adoptive parents need to do our homework and be diligent and demand answers when things just don't seem to add up.
WARNING--the video is VERY unpleasant to watch. I did watch it and I cried, I got angry and now I need to write.
The basis is that there is a lot of corruption in Ethiopian adoption. The article/video focus on one specific agency but imply that many adoption agencies operating in Ethiopia are in fact unlicensed and unregulated. It goes on the imply that Americans are flocking to adopt "orphans" because it is the new hip thing to do after all Angelina Jolie did it. The article questions whether orphans are really being adopted or if Ethiopians are being wrongly taken advantage of. The idea of a DVD catalog of children available for adoption in a word is HORRIBLE. That alone would have been a HUGE red flag to not go further for me.
Here is what I think take it or leave it. Is there corruption in Ethiopian adoptions, unfortunately yes. I have heard the stories. Were some people misinformed about their child's age, birth date, history, medical conditions--unfortunately yes. Do I think that some birth families were deceived? I would like to say no but I can't 100% say that. Do I think all adoptions from Ethiopia are corrupt? No. I think there are plenty of great agencies big and small doing amazing work in Ethiopia. It is unfortunate that a few bad seeds cast a bad light on all Ethiopian adoptions.
What does this mean for my family? Good question. I have to take ownership that I can't say for 100% sure that my daughter's story is accurate however I feel very confident that it is. I feel her birth date is completely accurate and I don't feel I as an adoptive parent was duped or lied to in any way. I trust my agency and that is why we are sticking with them. Are they people that don't like my agency? Sure and each person has their own reasons but we haven't had a bad experience.
Do I think Kiya's birth mom was lied to? No I don't. She was very aware and present in our meeting and asked us some great questions. Are we bad people for adopting a child that has a mother living in Ethiopia? NO! Some people try to imply that the only children that should be adopted are those with no living parents. Zinash had deep, very personal reasons for placing Kiya for adoption and it saddens me to this day. She loved Kiya and I saw it in her tears and on her face and in her words. She had her reasons just like any birth mom here in the US does and I don't think we as adoptive parents should be labeled nor should she as a birth mom.
International adoption is a murky world. Add in that we are adopting from a developing country and things get even a little murkier (is that word???). Anyway, the point is that as adoptive parents we have to do all we can to make sure our children's adoptions are ethical. I feel that my daughter's was. Not everyone can say that and that saddens me and my heart goes out to them. I wish we could all feel confident in our children's story but such is not the case and that to be honest is a little scary. We as adoptive parents need to do our homework and be diligent and demand answers when things just don't seem to add up.
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