Patience is wearing thin...

Well, we got some more bad news today. An email was sent to all the families in the Ethiopia program and we were told to expect a wait of 12 months for a referral. Yup, you read that right 12 months. I cannot even begin to describe my feelings right now. I have an email into my specialist for a little more clarification but haven't heard back from her yet.

I posted last week that we were told to add 3 months to our wait and that put us at 10 months and now I am being told it could be another 2 months on top of that. AHHHHH okay that didn't help but I don't know what else to do.

Logically, I know that my baby will come to me when the time is right but my heart is aching. I want to be a Mom and have faced many let downs and heart aches along the way to making that dream come true. When will it be my turn? I just want to hold my baby. Is that too much to ask? Am I being tested?

I feel guilty for even thinking these things but I am at my wits end. If I had been told when I signed up that it would be a 12 month wait then no problem but it is this constant changing of timelines that is getting frustrating. I feel like I get 1 more month of waiting under my belt to find out that I will have to wait longer than expected.

With this news, here is what we might be looking at. If we wait the 12 months we are now being told, we will get a referral in January and may not travel until May. Yes, May. There is about 12-16weeks post referral before travel. If this turns out to be the case, we will have to be re-fingerprinted by USCIS which isn't a big deal but a hassle none the less. Never in my wildest dreams when I was approved in January of 2008 did I think that I might not be holding my baby until my birthday in May of 2009. Whew, saying that makes me want to cry.

I want to be a Mom and I know that international adoption is unpredictable but this is so tough. Tougher than I ever imagined. We have adjusted our thinking so many times already. We were hoping for late winter/early spring travel and now who knows it could be late spring.

I guess we have more time to get prepared for our baby....

Sometimes I just want to ask "why me"? What did I do to upset the universe? I know not productive thinking.

It is hard right now to find the positives, other than some day eventually I will be a Mom. I hold on to that with everything I have. I know it will happen and when it does it will be the greatest gift I could ever receive but getting to that point sure isn't easy.

I will post more when I hear back from my specialist. Is it too early for a glass of wine and some chocolate??

ETA: Here is what my specialist said in response to my email.

"Currently, families at the top of "the list" waiting for referrals of infants have been waiting since mid-October, 2007 -- so they are almost at the 11 month mark of waiting for a referral. Based on your January 22nd dossier date, my best guess is that you are at least 3 months "behind" those families if the timeline stays the same.

The program is not in jeopardy, although we are seeing longer waits for referral.

I don't know if there will be referrals in September or if the first referrals won't come until October. I can't predict whether you will get a referral before the end of the year.

I know that it is frustrating and discouraging that the wait keeps getting longer and longer. I don't have any reason to think you won't receive a referral, but of course nothing can be guaranteed in the world of international adoption (or domestic adoption for that matter, as I know you've already experienced so very painfully...)

Things will start moving again, and hopefully this painful wait will one day be a distant memory"