This year it's different

For many years while we struggled with infertility, the holidays were hard. I mean really hard. I would look at women at church who were pregnant and wonder when is it my turn. Yeah not my finest moments.

As we ventured into adoption, I would wonder maybe this year I can buy a Halloween costume for my child or a Christmas outfit?? It was the same year after year for more years than I care to recall. The holidays brought a deep seeded sadness. I think I hid it fairly well who knows, maybe I didn't but I think I did.

I dreaded opening the door on Halloween or walking in the mall at Christmas. It brought about too many what ifs and I wonders.

This year it is different. This year I am a Mom. I am finally a Mom. Kiya will be here for the holidays. I can share all the traditions and make new ones with her. It finally really happened. All the what ifs and I wonders are now I can's and we will.

I will bake Christmas cookies with Kiya and decorate the tree. We will celebrate Thanksgiving as a family and she can have her first bites of pumpkin pie. All those pictures of what I hoped for in the future are coming true.

This year it is real. This year the holidays won't bring sadness. They will bring pure joy. Joy like I have never experienced before. I feel joy everyday when I look at Kiya and I am so excited to be able to share this time of year with her. I know she won't remember her first Thanksgiving or Christmas but I do hope she knows how much we love her and how grateful we are to have her in our lives.

I predicted many many months ago that 2009 would finally be our year. And boy has it ever. This year without a doubt has been and will always be one of the best years of our lives.