International adoption, Ethiopia, Little Man and more

This is a heavy post. Just an FYI. It is me sorting through some tough stuff.

We just got word the other day that our agency has officially extended the wait time for referral of a child age 0-24months to 16-24months. Not a shock, we fully expected this. The shock came in the same announcement that they have stopped accepting applications for the Ethiopia program effective immediately for families looking to adopt a child 0-24 months. Reality is they probably should have done this sooner but it is what it is. We just barely made that cut off.

Our hearts belong in Ethiopia and in a way they always will. Can I say at this writing that I am 100% sure that our Little Man will be born in Ethiopia, no I can't. My deep seeded fear that is surfacing more and more each day is that Ethiopia will shut down to international adoption before we can realize the dream of a son. Do I know that will happen, no but it is a fear and I believe a good one. There are a lot of red flags and warning signs right now and it is a scary thing.

So then what? Well, if that happens we would definitely have to switch agencies. While I can't say my son will be born in Ethiopia, I would like to confidently say that he would be born in Africa or the Caribbean. I feel and believe that in my heart. Our current agency doesn't have any other programs in either of those places right now. We are pretty sure we know what agency we would switch to. The list is short.

There is always domestic adoption but I honestly don't know if I could ever go back to that. I just don't have the heart for it. Can I say I would 100% rule it out as an option, no but I have a lot more soul searching to do before that would become a reality. I admire those willing to tough it out. I am not that strong. I was strong once and I don't think I could be that strong again. I don't know.

Absolute worst case scenario, and yes we talked about this just last night. We have a daughter. A beautiful daughter that we love more than anything in this world and we are so honored to be her parents. If that is it for us, one child then we couldn't ask for a more perfect child. Yes, this brings tears to my eyes and it scares me.

There was a time in my life that I wasn't sure I even wanted to have children. That changed and I LOVE being a mom. I would love to have more than one child but in reality it isn't up to us. God made that pretty clear. He led us to adoption once and is leading us there again and we just have to have faith. That is a whole lot easier said than done.

International adoption is never a guarantee and it is definitely not an easy path. We knew that going in though it was much harder than I thought it would be. We want our adoptions to be ethical and above board. Ethics to be honest wasn't always a topic on the table. I feel I have come along way in my thought process and I owe that to wise AP's who have come before me. They have made me think. Really think. I have said this before that I feel that Kiya's adoption was above board and ethical. I want the same feeling when we adopt our son be it from Ethiopia or some place else.

As we gear up to start waiting, my plan is to focus on today. Focus on this beautiful little girl in my life and cherish every moment with her. We can deal with the reality of adoption, when we need to. Right now we need to be the best parents we can to Kiya. She deserves nothing less than our very best. She will keep us going and going and going I have a feeling but every tired moment is so worth it.

Don't get me wrong, I pray everyday that our Little Man will join our family some time in the future but I also realize that at some point Little Man may be another daughter or may not be at all. Time will tell and what is supposed to be will be. We are merely waiting for more instructions.