PAD?

PAD or post adoption depression is not something a lot of people talk about but it is real.

I haven't really ever written about it here but was inspired to tell my story because of some other strong women I know who were brave enough to put it out there.

In May of 2007 we were 6 months into our wait for a domestic adoption. We got a phone call about the possibility of being matched with a birth mom who had twin girls. The girls were born in April. Well, 2 weeks later we took a legal risk placement of the girls. In essence we were foster parents until all legal matters could be resolved and there was a termination of parental rights hearing.

So here I was a Mom in all senses of the word with two beautiful 8 week old girls. This is what I dreamed of. This is what I had wanted for the years we struggled with infertility--to be a Mom. So what was the problem? I had all these expectations of what motherhood would look like. I would fall head over heels in love and cherish every moment of it. So when that didn't happen I was at a loss. I felt lost. I didn't know what to do.

I never really felt a connection to the girls. It was almost as if I was living outside of myself and going through the motions. I didn't have this instant bond or love for them. Sure I took good care of them but I didn't love them the way a mother was supposed to love children. Maybe because they legally weren't mine? I am not sure. All I know is that I was miserable and felt guilty every day for feeling this way. What was wrong with me? I had children, that is what I wanted. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be Mom?

I thought all of these things. We cared for the girls for 2 months and just towards the end of our time together did I start to feel any sense of connection and really with only one of the girls. It was in so many ways the hardest 2 months of my life. I was out of sorts and not sure who I was and throw in the craziness that is adoption and I thought for sure I had lost my mind. The worst part was I felt so alone. I hadn't done any homework on PAD so I at the time didn't know what it was.

So as we were preparing to bring Kiya home, I was acutely aware of what I felt our first go round with kids and honestly, I was nervous. Terrified actually. What if I flew for 24 hours to meet this little girl and I didn't instantly fall in love or feel like a Mom? What if I were to just go through the motions again? Could I really do this?

Well, we walked up those stairs to meet our little girl and the tears were there, the feelings were real but I can't say it was a mutual or instant love. I knew she was my daughter and things felt different this time but we just met this was going to take time. The most important thing I told myself as we geared up for this trip of a lifetime, is that it is okay to take time. It is okay to not fall head over heels in love the instant we see her. It is perfectly normal.

Don't get me wrong I loved Kiya the second I saw her picture back in January but truly love as in we have a mother/daughter love took some time. Not long but time. The first weeks home were tough. Illness, jet lag and settling in to being a full time parent were an adjustment and just when we figured that out I went back to work.

I knew things were really different this time when I went back to work. I kind of threw a fit and complained about it. I didn't want to be away from Kiya. We were enjoying the time together and I didn't want to miss that. With the twins I only took two weeks off and not even two full weeks and when I was at work I didn't really miss them or wonder what they were doing. I was grateful to have work to get out of the house.

I guess the reason I wrote this is because once I did my homework and read other stories, it was a huge comfort to know that I wasn't alone. That I wasn't crazy and that what I felt with the twins and even a little with Kiya was totally normal. When you adopt you have this huge rush of excitement to get the paperwork done, to get on the wait list, to move up the wait list, to get the call, to pass court, etc. and when the moment happens that you actually meet that's it. The excitement is over. There are no more deadlines to meet or expectations. You are now a parent. Good luck and have fun. And oh yeah, welcome to the world of 5 minutes to shower, screaming, dirty diapers, puke, snotty noses, no free time, no idea what you are doing all with a child you have known for merely a week.

My best advice and something I will tell myself as we do this again, is that it takes time and that is okay. I am not crazy. I am a good Mom, it just took me some time to actually believe that.