Full and heavy heart

These past few days my heart has been full. Full of love, but it has also been heavy. Behind all the preparations and food and celebrations, I am mourning. I am mourning for Kiya. She can't yet and doesn't understand so it is my place as her mom to do it for her.

I am mourning the loss of her country, her birth family, her right to "fit in" in the land of her birth. I do indeed have a full and heavy heart. We are preparing to celebrate Kiya's first year on this planet and I am sad. I can't and won't let myself stop thinking about Zinash. I wonder what she is doing or thinking or feeling as this day approaches.

One year ago today, she was finishing her classes at school and realized she wasn't feeling well. She went to the clinic that afternoon already in pain and in labor. She told us that. She cried. I cried. We cried together as she recounted the story of Kiya's birth.

She told us she named her Yewibdar because it means "most beautiful one" and that is what she saw when she looked into that sweet baby girls face. You could hear in her voice how much she loved that little girl and that tears my heart apart. She loved her so much to let her go. I don't even have an ounce of that strength.

I am trying to find a simple yet meaningful way to remember Zinash tomorrow. It is important to me that she always be present in my house and that Kiya knows who this woman is. We are hoping to light a candle and say a prayer. We may watch her lifebook DVD. I haven't had the courage to watch it again. We watched it once in Ethiopia and I haven't been able to watch it yet. Kiya is too young to understand it. As she gets older, our jobs as parents get more challenging.

How will we share her story with her...I am not sure. Her story is clear to us but it isn't an easy story to tell. We will share it all with her when she is ready but at first in the early years she may only get bits and pieces. I won't ever lie to her or deny her her story but parts of it are not for young ears and will be a challenge for us to share and her to understand.

Tomorrow will be about us as a family. A whole family and by definition that includes Zinash. We will remember her and cherish her tomorrow and celebrate Kiya. Our Ethiopian Princess is turning 1 and I have a woman half a world away that I wish I could hug again and say thank you but those just don't seem like the right words. How do you thank someone for the best gift you will ever receive? One that caused the giver so much pain....

My heart is heavy today....