Well we have been officially waiting for 3 months today. It has gone by fairly quickly really but I am going to take this post to reflect on how I will spend the remainder of my wait.
If you haven't read the book, "Eat, Pray, Love" written by Elizabeth Gilbert. I highly recommend it. There are parts of the book that are slow but the overall message behind the book really moved me. In summary, it is a true story of a woman who takes a year to travel to Italy to eat, India to pray and Indonesia to love after she hit rock bottom. She took that time to focus on herself and figure out who she was and where she wanted to go in her life. She wanted to get re-centered. While I can't take a year off to do those things I plan on incorporating some of this into my life as in some ways I do feel that I hit rock bottom.
I got married pretty young (thankfully) thus I had it set in my head that by the time I was 3o I would have at least 2 kids. Well I as I am rapidly approaching 32 and have zero children I have had to do a lot of adjusting. Throughout the 3 years that we attempted to have children, there were many a day when I just cried. I wanted nothing more than to see those 2 pink lines on that test and month after month it never came. I hit rock bottom in September of 2006. That was the month we called it quits on our fertility treatments. We went on vacation and came back and immediately started the adoption process. None of what I was dealing with emotionally made sense at that time but after reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and listening to her talk about her nights on the bathroom floor I could really relate to that. She made a conscious choice to get up off that floor and make changes to her life and refocus and in essence I feel like I did that to by saying enough is enough and following my heart to adoption.
So for the next few months and possibly the rest of 2008 while I wait for my referral I am going to refocus a little. I am going to eat at the Cherry Festival in Michigan. I am going to pray every day and I am going to love my husband, my friends and my family but most importantly I am going to love myself. I am not sure that I have always loved myself enough in the past few years. I felt a lot pressure (that I put on myself) to get pregnant and then a lot of failure when that didn't happen. I know that God has a plan for me and I lost sight of that along the way. I truly believe that God won't give me anything that I can't handle and I have learned that I can handle a lot.
Lastly, I feel like I should explain while I said thankfully about getting married young. I met and married the most amazing person. He is truly my soul mate and without him my life wouldn't have as much meaning. Sure he has his flaws and some days those drive me beyond crazy but I know we will always be together and I cherish that. I am thankful to have found someone so wonderful at such a young age and to know that for better or worse we are doing this thing called life together. I couldn't have survived those 3 years of trying to get pregnant without him. It was a very challenging time for both of us and in the end it made us that much closer. It all comes back to God. I don't always understand why things happen the way they do but I know that everything happens for a reason and I just have to have a little faith. I lost that for awhile but thank you Elizabeth Gilbert for helping me find it.
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