Do's and Don'ts

The do's and don'ts of adoption has come up on the forum recently and it had me thinking about some comments that have been made and some that I really don't want to hear. So I have decided to put together a little etiquette lesson. It is not my intention to upset anyone but to prevent issues in the future so please take it for what it is and nothing more but please know that we will correct/redirect when necessary.

Do's

1. Treat our kids as you would any other child. They will be our child.
2. Ask us about our plane ride home, I am sure we will have more than a few funny stories
3. Ask us about our trip to Ethiopia
4. Encourage and support our children in everything they do
5. Do respect that as new parents, we need our time and space to adjust to our new roles
6. Ask us about our agency and the humanitarian projects they are involved in

Don'ts

1. Don't ask us if our child is healthy or if we are afraid of catching something from our child
2. Don't introduce us as this is Cathy, her husband Dave and their adopted son/daughter. Just say son or daughter, we don't always need to say adopted and if you need to say it please say "was adopted" since it only happened once.
3. Don't make the assumption that my child was placed for adoption because they weren't wanted or loved because in fact it is the exact opposite.
4. Please don't call our child's birth parents, their "real" parents. We are their real parents.
5. Don't ask us about our child's birth family; we will share what we are comfortable with when we are ready
6. Don't make negative comments about our child's inner or outer beauty

Not all of this applies to our family and friends but we are gearing ourselves up for comments that we may have to address. I have already had to answer questions that should never have been asked and I don't even have my baby yet.

While we fostered the twins, I had a nurse at the doctor's office really upset me. I had to bring one of the girls in for a sick baby appointment (allergic to soy) and when the nurse called us in she took one look at me and one at the baby who was black and said "well obviously you didn't give birth to that one". I was shocked and didn't really react as I was there as a Mom with a sick baby. In hind sight I wish I would have had a snappy come back. To say something so insensitive. She didn't know me or the trials we went through to get pregnant so that comment stung a little.

We also had an experience in a store where we had the girls in a stroller and we walking up and down the aisles. The girls were being little angels so nothing to draw attention to them per say except for their extreme cuteness. Well, these two older ladies started whispering to each other. They would glance over at us and then go back to whispering. It was rude.

I know that we will have to deal with these situations when we do have our baby and it will be a challenge. I posted the etiquette stuff because we want our child to have positive interactions with people of all backgrounds and we want them to be proud of their heritage. We want to limit the rudeness and I know it is out there as I have posted about it before and others have shared stories of issues they have had to deal with. We will correct and intervene when necessary but always in an appropriate and respectful way. We may ask a question, like "Why do you ask?" or we may use humor to turn the situation around so I may have said to the nurse, "Really, everyone thinks she has my cheeks."

As any parent will do, we will do what is best for our child.