Done

I have just finished reading "There is no me without you." Wow.... This book touched a place in me that I didn't know existed. The courageous story of a simple woman out to care for the orphaned children of Ethiopia some with HIV and some without. The struggles both personal and professional and her strength and sometimes her weakness really touched a soft spot in my soul.

I have learned so much about the birth place of my daughter. Everything from how to correctly pronounce Addis (ah-deece) Ababa (a-bah bah) to the inner struggles to live day to day with nothing and sometimes there really was nothing. This place was such a mystery to me and much of it always will be yet I felt that by reading this book, I got to look at a small slice of the mystery. To read about the heartbreaking separation of children from their families was unbelievably moving. To read about the struggles of young mothers and fathers trying desperately to raise their families. To read about how AIDS nearly devastated the entire country and if it weren't for a brave few I am not sure what Ethiopia would look like right now. Needless to say I cried at many points throughout this book.

I cried out of frustration with the system. I cried for the children and their parents. I cried for the adoptive parents and their faith and belief that everything will be okay. I cried sometimes out of sheer anger. Anger that there wasn't a simple solution; that we couldn't wave a magic wand and make the heartache, the desperation, death all go away. I cried as the newly American children relived their grief and remembered their life in Ethiopia. I cried because it so important that my daughter knows Ethiopia and knows the beauty of her homeland and her culture. I cried for my daughter. She will not remember Ethiopia. She will know only the things we share with her and then when we take her to see it for herself, I can only hope the she realizes we tried to do right by Ethiopia.

I am really glad that I took the time to read this book. I fully understand why it is on every Adoptive Parents 'must read' list. I am not sure I have processed all of this book yet. There are many questions in my head and I am sure some of the answers are out there and some may not be.

I am on a mission. While we are in Ethiopia, I am going to write down everything and anything I can no matter how trivial it may seem. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the weather, the signs, everything. I am there to learn and soak up as much as I can so I can pass that on to my daughter. I always knew that I wanted to do that but somehow this book reinforced the importance of that. Reading about the newly adopted children and their new families gave me a little perspective.

This is so much bigger than me having a daughter. I am adding a daughter yes but also her birth family into my heart. I hope I am blessed enough to meet someone in Peanut's birth family. I want to tell them that we will love her with all our hearts and promise them that she will know Ethiopia. That we are not 2 separate families anymore but we are joined as one because of the love we share for Peanut. I realize this may not happen but for now I need to hold on to that. I will deal with that loss if I must when the time comes and I will find a way to explain all of this to Peanut when she is old enough.