I have come a long way..I think

I decided today to go back and read the first few posts that I made on this blog. While they were fine, I do think I have come a long way in my own process. Back then, I was worried about getting sick, what to name peanut, moving up the list, travel, in essence the basics of international adoption.

Then someone posted this article on the forum and it rang so true. Here is the link:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/11/child-or-adopted-child-please-check-one/?hp

"For the first few months, I felt compelled to explain myself to everyone — even to strangers. I felt like an impostor, an interloper into motherhood. I remember thinking that some day it wouldn’t matter any more, that I’d forget I was an adoptive mother and come to be just like everybody else."

I totally get this statement as I think this is where I was even when we had the twins, I felt like an impostor for sure. But after almost 11 months of waiting this where I am.

"adoption still matters. It’s not either/or. I am an adoptive mother. I am a real mother. I am not my child's only mother, but I am their mommy, and they are my child. My adopted child."

I feel like now when I read my posts they are more introspective. I have come to look at the whole journey and the big picture. The sadness that must happen for me to experience the joy of parenthood. I have realized there is much more depth behind what we are doing. It is not so much a means to a end but a whole life transition. We are forever adding Ethiopia, its people, and its culture to our lives. That I knew in my head but not in my heart.

My head always knew what this process would and could mean and I think my heart has finally caught up. I really get that what we are doing is a huge deal. A comment on this blog by a very wise woman, told me that I need to be here, emotionally, to really be ready for what is about to happen. I am here. I am ready.

I have always said that I am more than ready to be a mom and while I still believe that I am not sure I was fully ready for the commitment it will mean to be an adoptive mom of a baby born in Ethiopia. I really think I am now. I am ready to be the best mom I can be. I am ready to fully commit to my child, their culture, and their country. It is my responsibility to do that. I am not sure I really understood that when we first started. I have come to learn that and I am grateful that I have learned it.