Tuesday, April 16, 2013

EmBracing our summer?

One month from today Kiya will be cast free and sporting a new TLSO brace. I am excited and terrified. She is confused.

Last night she asked me why she wasn't getting a new cast. Her direct quote "but mommy I always wear a cast."

She is right. For as long as she can remember she has worn a cast whether it was pink, green, blue and pink or blue and purple like her current selection. She got her first cast in September of 2010. Wow. We are almost 3 years in to this bumpy curvy road.

We have seen a lot of lows along the way and a few glimmers of hope and a whole lot of nothing new. Her curve took a big hit when she spent 2 1/2 months out of cast due to a gravel induced granuloma that took that long to heal. In September 2010 she was 52 degrees out of cast. When she got her second cast in January 2011 she was 64 degrees out of cast.

Cast 3 brought us down to 62 and cast 4 brought us up to 66 degrees out of cast. Then we finally got some long awaited good news between cast 5 and 6 she had gotten and held 20 degrees of correction. Hallelujah. It was finally working. We weren't putting our kid under general anesthesia every 12 weeks for nothing. The hope of these numbers kept me going. Kept hope and faith alive.

Then the day of cast 7 arrives. I was hopeful we would hear a number below 45 degrees. We heard no change. Sigh. Okay, no change is better than worse a wise woman told me. Cast day for casts, 8, 9 and 10 brought us the same news. No change.  Each time the doc is getting her down to 15 degrees or so in cast. I am frustrated. Her doctor is frustrated.

I couldn't face yet another summer of saying no to the swim lessons she so desperately wanted. I also felt we needed to build her strength. So after talking it over with other cast moms, my husband, our care coordinator and our doctor, we all agreed that Kiya could be cast free this summer. Brace break here we come.

She is excited that she can take swim lessons. I am in the process of getting her a private instructor. We are also going to do physical therapy and possibly dance. I plan on not wasting a second of this gift. That said I am terrified. What if her curve gets worse? What if it holds at 45?

I don't do well with the unknown. I want answers and there are no answers or quick fixes. Reality is and we have told Kiya this that she will spend 4k in a cast. She is already talking about what color she wants. She says this now but I wonder how a removable brace will affect her excitement over her next cast color....

Our doctor is willing to cast her as long as we want. The older she is getting the more she is not liking talking about her cast and others seeing her cast. She has been better about it lately but she has her moments. Kids are curious and sometimes cruel and I worry for her. She had one little boy in preschool ask about it and she walked away and said she didn't want to talk about it. Which I have told her is fine it is up to her what she wants to share. She can tell you she has a curvy back or sometimes she says she has scoliosis just like she can tell you she was adopted and was born in Ethiopia. Both stories are hers to share at the level she wants to share.

I am scared. I don't know what the future holds but I know for sure that the outcome of this brace break will tell us a lot. If her curve can hold it gives us hope that if and when we pull the plug on casting, her curve will hold so she can grow and get bigger before facing surgery. If her curve were to get worse, well than we cast and cast and cast until casting just won't work for her or us anymore and then depending on where we are she may face surgery at a younger age than I would like.

I had always hoped and prayed that major spine surgery/surgeries would never be in her future. Reality is hitting me hard that we may not be able to avoid it. She still has a severe curve even though it is 20 degrees better than it was at its worst. I pray daily that the 45 number will go down but it hasn't in a year so hope is hard to hold onto especially since her age works against her. She is still flexible so I hold onto that for now. It is getting hard though.

She is my baby girl that I waited 6 years for. She is my sunshine. She is my light. I want to protect her. I want to shield her. But this darn curvy back gets the best of me sometimes. She as always is a rock star and I know that no matter where this path takes us she will bounce back and be amazing.

Deep breaths and one day at a time as we both try to EmBrace this summer and enjoy every second without regard to what the future will hold. We can deal with the reality in August right?



Monday, April 8, 2013

Is it toddler related or adoption related?

That is the age old question that runs through my head daily. Adopting a toddler is hard work. Really hard work. Katie spent 17 months with someone else. That stinks. She has been with us for 7 months and things today are much better than they were but every day at least once I ask myself is this a toddler thing or adoption thing?

You see here is the problem. Katie is now 2 and while the 2's were a piece of cake with Kiya, Katie seems to have a different definition of what being two is. She is full of emotion, cries at the drop of a hate, stomps her feet if she doesn't get her way, lays down on the floor and ignores you. With this last one if you go to pick her up often she will buckle her knees and collapse to the floor. If I need to put her in a time out/in for a blatant rule violation, like throwing wood blocks, she will sit there but will cry for the entire 2 minutes with her eyes closed and her bottom jaw jutted out and drooling. Yup fun.

Now we were well aware that adopting a toddler would be very different than adopting a baby. Did I read a ton of books about toddler adoption, attachment, sleep, etc? Nope. Not a single one. I was a part of many facebook groups that surround adoption and specifically Korean adoption. I thought I was prepared. I thought I can deal with the sleep issues, attachment, grief,etc.

Did we have sleep issues? Nope not really. Within one month of being home, Katie was falling asleep in her own room in  her own bed all by herself. It was a little bit of an adjustment but not at all terrible. She is a fantastic sleeper and sporadic napper but nothing here to worry about. Co-sleeping while recommended by some was not going to work for this family so we chose to not really do it and work up to her sleeping on her own. She wakes up happy and looking for Kiya and mommy and daddy.

Attachment issues, well I spent every day of our first 7 months together with her but 2. She calls me mama or mommy. She calls Dave her daddy. Kiya is eya. She hugs and kisses all of us. She will if in the right mood spontaneously come up and give a big hug and say "love you". She snuggles in my lap which I LOVE. She looks back to us and checks in with us in new situations. She cries when I leave her. Yes I see this as a good thing because she misses me. I am her favorite by far ok well Kiya is but she is bonded and attached. Bottle feeding is recommended by some to promote attachment. We didn't pursue or force this. Katie refused to drink a bottle from the day we met her so we didn't push it.

Grief that is a tough one. Katie has no reaction all to pictures of her foster mom. We have no pictures of her foster father so not sure about that one. She cried slightly when her foster mom handed her to me in the van but then snuggled into me and fell asleep.

Food is and was her issue. We went through a very rough period the first 5 days home. Now we are just tyring to figure out if she is gluten intolerant, lactose intolerant or something else. This has been a stressor for me as once I think we have something figured out I get a not so pleasant reminder that dealing with an unstable gut is less than fun and takes time.

She has been in daycare for 2 weeks now. She cries at drop off but settles within a few minutes. She is eating and napping there. She is happy as a clam when I pick her up. She is learning how to play with other kids her age as some days she just wants to follow her teachers around.

So back to my daily question...is her behavior toddler related or is it adoption related? I am not sure I will ever be able to answer that question. You see she is a toddler and well she is still learning the language which comes with adopting a toddler. I am not sure reading a book or two or three would help me answer this question. Time will help and getting to know Katie and her triggers. Since she started daycare we actually see less of the tantrumy behavior.

Am I rushing out to get an attachment therapist? Nope. Am I calling a speech therapist because she says gilk instead of milk or groken instead of broken. Nope. She is saying more and more words every day and she can understand and follow multiple step directions if she feels like it..2 year olds are moody sometimes. She is putting more are more words together and at her 2 year check was on the low end of normal in speech for kids her age which I would say is not half bad for hearing English for at that point only 6 months. Did I call Birth to 3 as soon as she got home? Nope. Will I call them? We shall see. They were a great help with Kiya but I don't think we need them.

Now this is what is working for us. I understand that every kid is different and every parent is different. We all find ways to adjust to our new toddlers but for us reality was we had another child at home. Kiya demands and commands a lot of attention and has her own unique situations that need to be addressed and dealt with.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Long lost blogger....

Hard to believe it is almost April and I haven't blogged since Christmas. Well I am hoping that I can get back in to this if there is anyone still out there reading.

So what is going on? Where to start...

Katie is officially 2 now. We had a small family celebration for her. She is very much 2 attitude and all. She has started going to daycare 3 times a week to help with her language development and her social skills. She has gone twice so far but seems for the most part to be okay with it all.

She is weighing in at 26lbs and 35.25 inches so yet another tall skinny kiddo. She is healthy which is great and growing which is great. She is on a gluten free diet and will be for quite some time. She hasn't been officially tested for celiac disease but it is a possibility that she has this. We took her gluten free a couple months ago so testing and scoping would like not be definitive. We noticed a major improvement in the diaper situation on her new diet 5-6 diapers a day with gluten in her diet has gone down to 1-2.  We are also limiting fruit, juice etc to give her unstable a gut a chance to recover and not be aggravated by the sugars.

Kiya is in cast 10. We have had no real change in her out of cast numbers so she is holding steady at 45 degrees so not great but not getting worse either so we will take it. After much thought and debate we are taking a cast break this summer. She will be fitted for a back brace in May. We are going to use this summer to strengthen her core muscles. We met with a physical therapist and she has below average muscle tone and is flat footed. She has started to wear her ankle braces again and we will see the therapist again in May after her cast comes off. Kiya will also finally be able to take swim lessons. We are signing her up for private lessons for as many weeks as we can.

Now that our family is complete we are going on vacation in June. We are taking our girls to Disneyworld. To say I have a super excited 4 year old is an understatement.

So that is what is going on for the most part. Coming up we have Katie's finalization hearing in April, baptism in May, Kiya's 4 year family day celebration, vacation and baseball season :)

We are going to be busy and can't wait for some nice weather so we can go outside and play.

Will work on getting some update pictures on here soon!

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas

We are wishing all of you a Merry Christmas.

2012 has been a really busy year for us as evidenced by the lack of blogging.

I sit here today on Christmas Eve while my kids indulge in an episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and think about just how far this family has come in the last year or 4 months even.

I am feeling overwhelmed with emotion and am kind of shocked I haven't cried yet. Watching Christmas through the eyes of my girls is nothing shy of amazing. I don't even know if Katie has any idea what all is about to happen today and tomorrow. I am just glad she is here.

Kiya asked me today if Santa visited Katie in Korea last year. I was honest and said I don't know. She then asked, did Katie get Christmas presents? I reminded her that Christmas isn't about presents but about family. Kiya said then that Katie didn't have family last year. I tried the best I could to explain foster families and cultural difference and Katie's life before she came to Wisconsin. Kind of a weighty topics for a 4 year and this mama pre coffee. Then Kiya in her true awesome self said "I love Katie so much. I like my little sister a lot. She gets presents this year."

This year we are finally the family of 4 we set out to be over 3 years ago. I can hardly believe it. There were times last year that I thought we would never get to this point. And when that phone rang back in August telling me our paperwork had been approved and we could get on a plane I couldn't believe it.

And now here were are almost 4 months later and feeling complete. This little girl has changed each and every one of us. She has challenged us and inspired us and charmed us beyond belief.

Kiya loves having a sister and one with brown skin just like her. She loves to teach her new things and boss her around in true big sister form. She has come so far and has really embraced the role of world's best sister.

Katie is truly so sweet and funny and stubborn. She keeps me on my toes and I am grateful. I never dreamed our second child was going to be a girl or a girl from Korea but the roads that led us to Seoul were paved in miracles.

I feel overwhelmingly blessed to be able to parent in my opinion the two most beautiful and amazing girls. This will be a great Christmas just because I can hug both of my girls tight. I am one of the lucky ones.

May this holiday season be filled with love and peace!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Reality

Time sure is getting away from me....

So what is my reality. I have been deep in thought and still trying to figure out this whole stay at home mom and parent to two girls thing.

Thankfully just when things were seemingly a little too much and I was at a breaking point, I spent the weekend with some pretty amazing women. It was our annual Lucky Cast Club mom's weekend. These 6 other women were just what I needed. I have never laughed or cried as much as I did in this one weekend.

I never envisioned that I  would meet such truly beautiful and endearing friends for life in the halls of a hospital. We truly are just a bunch of moms but we all get each other. It was so nice to step away from the laundry, the dishes, the new mostly gluten free diet for Katie, the poopy diapers, the whining, the mess and just be me. Not mom me. Just me.

I needed it more than I knew and yet felt a little guilty for going. Katiehas been home 3 months but I needed a break. I needed to be with my friends. I needed the support, the listening that only true girl friends can provide. Don't get me wrong my husband is beyond great but sometimes you just need some girl time.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Been awhile

I have been having a hard time finding the time to blog. Something that I love to do....such is the life of a busy stay at home mom.

So where are we, well lets just say it's complicated.

Katie has been home 2 months now. She is such a snugly and opinionated child. She has a lot to say and is learning new words it seems daily. She has some aggression in her and if she doesn't get what she wants or if big sis is bugging her she will lash out and hit you. Not fun and something we are working on. She also tends to scream at you...especially if you dare say "Katie come here". sigh....on the plus side I am becoming quite creative in the words I choose to use. Don't get me wrong, she really is a wonderful little girl and very very smart, she like big sis is full of personality and attitude and that can be challenging at times.

Kiya is cast free this week. She is doing okay with it. Her balance is out of whack and she is moving with less confidence then she normally does. This was very apparent during Trick or Treating. I hate this week. I hate scoliosis. I hate what I fear we are going to hear come Monday after her fabulous black and pink cast #9 goes on. I keep hearing stuck and no change over and over in my head. I can see it. I see her shoulder dip. I see her curve. To say that I am beyond frustrated and heart broken is an understatement.

I wish there was a guarantee or answer that what we are doing casting will work but sadly there is not. I fear we will be at a crossroad soon and need to make some difficult decisions. It is tough. So tough and I honestly can say right now I don't know what to do. Part of me says keep on casting because we can do that. We know cast life. The other part of me says casts aren't doing it, she is very likely going to have to have surgery so why continue with casts. Give her a brace. Let her gain some strength and wait it out in a brace until she is older. Brace life brings a whole new set of challenges but is it what is best...I am torn.

The upside to all of this is Kiya. She is truly one remarkable kid. 12 weeks ago she had a hard time walking up a flight of stairs in her cast without help. She has worked hard everyday of these last twelve weeks to not only walk up and down the stairs by herself but even alternating feet. And now that she is cast free, she can still walk those same flights of stairs without help and alternating her feet. The first few days cast free she wanted help and said I can't. We encouraged and supported but told her to try and do it herself. She did it and she was so proud of herself. Kiya gives me hope that no matter where this crazy road will take us, she will be okay. She is a fighter.

So there you have it nothing glamorous but it is our reality right now. I am tired a lot and in need of a break. Luckily there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Moms weekend! I cannot wait for the 2 days I get to spend with some of the best people I know. No hospitals, no siblings fighting, no mealtime stress, just two days of girl time and a Twilight movie.

I promise my next post will have pictures from Halloween. My Sleeping Beauty and her lady bug side kick had a blast.