So in love...

Kiya is 9 months old today and never in my wildest dreams did I imagine being so in love. She is amazing and beautiful and silly and perfect. I am truly blessed and honored to be her mother.

I am convinced there is no greater feeling than being a Mom. I didn't really comprehend that until I was actually a Mom. To see the growth and progress, the smiles, the laughs just melts my heart in a way I wasn't ready for. It at times has brought tears to my eyes.

Kiya's presence has filled a void in my heart. I knew for many years that something was missing and thanks to the absolute love of a woman 7000 miles away I have a lovely and sweet little girl.

On days like today I think a lot about Zinash. What is she doing? Is she still grieving? Will I be able to accurately tell Kiya just how much she loved her? Will I be able to hug her and see her again?

The bond I have with Zinash was something I am not sure I was ready for either. To have met her on Mother's Day and to feel that connection instantly was completely overwhelming. I am not 100% sure I have truly processed that yet. I will never forget the hugs and tears we shared and the love that was so obvious and so present. She in short is my hero. She was braver and stronger than I ever could have been. I love this woman and she will always have a place in my heart and in my family.

I wish there was some way I could tell her and show her just how amazing Kiya is. We will write post placement reports for the next 18 years and they will be sent to Ethiopia where Zinash can go and see them if she chooses but will she? I don't know and I will never know and that is a little sad yet I understand if she needs to not see them as well.

I know this post is a little unfocused but it is the ramblings of me and what I am processing right now. At this moment I am truly amazed at the love I feel for Kiya and for Zinash. No book or DVD or pre-adoption workshop can prepare you for the feelings that come after the fact. I had to live it and breathe it all in to finally start to grasp it all. It is a lot to take in and a lot to handle. Do I fully understand the scope of this adoption, of my love for Kiya and Zinash and of how things will be in the future? No, I for sure don't have all the answers but I am processing. I will always be processing.

Meanwhile I am so in love with my little girl and I can't wait to see what happens next.