I think the title describes best how I am feeling right now. I am having a hard time adjusting to the idea that I am a Mom. That I have a daughter and that this isn't all some crazy dream.
We are 6 years (almost) into our journey to trying to have a family and all along that path we faced rejection and heartache. We even had our very own this is too good to be true moment when we thought we were adopting twins.
I know this is different. No one is going to take her away from us but my heart aches a little. I want to see her, to hold her, to know that she is okay. I want an update daily if I could. I will mostly likely only get monthly updates.
So why numb? Well, I have been on this roller coaster of emotion since Tuesday. I have laughed, cried and even been seen skipping in my house. I have worried, fretted, been scared and lost. I think now I am just numb. I am not sure how many more emotions are left in me. I feel pure joy everytime I look at her sweet face. Yes she is with me everywhere. Work, home, the dinner table, the coffee table, the nightstand by the bed. But yet there is something there in the background and I think it is just me getting in the way of my own joy.
I think I just need to have faith. Faith that we are allowed to have happy moments. Faith that baby girl is content and healthy. Faith that I will get a court date before tax day. Faith that I might be able to travel before Mother's Day or at least my birthday. I have never been happier and I think that is a little scary for me. I know probably sounds crazy but we have had a few rough years in our journey to parenthood so I got really good at protecting myself.
To actually realize that I can't protect myself from everything. That I can be the happiest I have ever been and just tear down the walls I have built up is a process. One I am working on every minute of every day. I have waited so very long to be a Mother and I can't wait to hug my little peanut. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason so I think I just need to trust that this is our turn. Our turn to be happy. Our turn to be parents and nothing is going to stand in our way, not even me.
3 comments:
It sounds like you know in your heart that you have to have Faith and Believe. But, your brain and heart have scars. I hope that those scars can heal so that you can fully embrace this new Gift you have been given. I'll keep you in my prayers. Love ya!
I love the 3 days waiting to travel! You are a great Mom and peanut is going to fall in love with you so soon. These next few weeks are your great opportunity to completely and totally fall in love with peanut and with being a mom. Savor it and enjoy it!! Life really does not get any sweeter than this.
I'm so glad that we've "met" via CHSFS because our lives seem to have many parallels. We've been trying to start our family for almost six years too - with so many heart-breaking experiences throughout that time. But we are allowed to have positive things happen to us -- and our babies are proof! We will be moms and we will be so amazing -- even more so for all of the things we've had to go through to get there. Peanut is a blessing and you are hers. With that being said, I can relate to all of the things that you're feeling right now. Hang in there, Momma!
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