Love vs. in love?

Love. I am blessed to have a lot of love in my life. I am going on 14 years of marriage and I have these amazing little girls that light up my life.

But here is the thing, I didn't fall in love with any of those wonderful people listed above overnight. It took time. Did I love them from the start, well yes but was I in love with them, no.

I have always felt that with my husband it was love at first sight. We just clicked. Was I really and truly in love with him from day one, no. It took us sometime to get to know each other and find our groove. The same goes for my children.

Kiya was this tiny little peanut when we first saw her picture. She was fragile and scared and a mere 6 weeks old. I knew I loved her when I saw her sweet face but I didn't have that deep down to my core love for her yet. Four months after we saw her face we headed to Ethiopia to pick her up. I kicked into survival mode. Yes I loved her but I still wasn't in love with her. I was worried about meeting her basic needs. I was in fake it until you make it mode.

We got home and I spent 14 weeks with Kiya before I had to go back to work. The day I dropped her off at daycare for the first time was the day it hit me like a brick in the face. This little girl was a part of me. She was mine and I was hers. We did it. We had bonded and I had fallen in love.

Katie was 4 months old when we saw her face. Again, I knew I loved her because I knew she was my daughter and moms love their daughters. That said we waited 13 months before we were able to actually hold her in our arms. We watched this baby grow up to be a toddler in pictures. It was easy to get disconnected. I had to. I couldn't focus on the wait. I had a full time job and we  had Kiya to think about.

When we did meet Katie, I again went in to survival mode. And survival mode with an infant is a heck of a lot easier than with a toddler. Holy moly. What did we just do? Katie was this sweet little person with a big stubborn streak and a language barrier.

I struggled. She struggled. I had no idea what she wanted or needed and she had no idea who I was. This was going to be a process. And a process it was.

The hardest part was food for sure and we still struggle with that daily but Katie was very independent. She was walking. She refused to take a bottle starting the day we met. She wasn't in to co-sleeping. Everything we thought we would use to help build attachment wasn't what Katie wanted to do.

I remember after just a few months home, I had a moms weekend on the calendar. I so needed a break. I was still in fake it until you make it mode and I was stressed out. My poor friends who were stuck in the car with me for hours in the middle of nowhere Indiana. They listened to my truth. They dried my tears. They offered support and advice. Returning home from this weekend I was refreshed. Many would say I should never have left Katie after she had been home for just a few months but I needed it. I needed to regroup and think and figure it out.

After that weekend, I made it my mission to find a way to connect to my daughter and get out of fake it mode. I started to hug her more and snuggle her more. I called her over to sit in my lap which she didn't always want to do and that was okay. I tried to give her some space and get down and really interact with her. It was a slow process.

I was working with her on words and showing her pictures of the family and naming who was who. We would do this a lot after Kiya was at school and flashcards too. For a long time when we said point to "mama" she would point to herself. She knew who Kiya was. She knew who Daddy was. She would get there. She would see me as her mama in time. 

My heart longed for this little girl to love me. I wanted to be more than just her caregiver. I knew from talking with other adoptive moms that it was going to take time so I settled in and kept on faking until it all clicked into place.

One day sweet little Katie walked up to me and said "Mama, kiss" and proceeded to kiss me all on her own. She had usually given hugs and kisses if we asked unless she was being silly and sassy but that day she actually asked for a kiss and she called me mama. My heart melted. I knew we had turned a corner and sure enough things were different. She was more snuggly. She gave more hugs and kisses on her own. Even little things like that her hugs were tighter warmed my heart.

Katie has been home 8 months now and of the first 7 months I spent all but 2 days with her. She in the last month has started daycare a few days a week to start the socialization process. I was excited to have some me time back even if I spend it doing laundry and grocery shopping. That said I had a tremendous amount of anxiety about dropping her off with strangers. They weren't strangers to me but to her. The night before I had to drop her off for the first time I cried myself to sleep. That is the moment I knew I had fallen in love. My little sidekick wasn't going to be glued to me every waking moment anymore and while she and I in reality both needed the break I was surprisingly really sad. We did it though. I dropped her off. She cried. But we both survived and now when we watch shows before dinner she comes and snuggles with me on the couch without even having to ask.

I can proudly say there is no more faking it. While I have loved both of my girls from the day I first saw their faces, I am also in love with both of my girls. I may not have given birth to them but we belong to each other. We need each other and most importantly we love each other.