This time last year

We are rapidly approaching a very special and memorable day for our family so I went back and looked at what I was blogging about last year at this time.

I was a nut case. Certifiable indeed. I had a first class ticket to Crazytown ;). I had totally lost it and become completely consumed by my number on the unofficial list which at this date last year was 8 but number 4 for an infant. I had my cell phone practically glued to me and I cried at the drop of a hat. Yup, totally nuts.

I look back at that and wonder how in the world I will explain it to Kiya. I am not sure I will be able to. My perspective has changed so much since then and yet the anticipation of the phone ringing was all very real. It was this weird paradox of happy and sad. Happy as I was about to realize my dreams and see the face of my child for the first time and sad as I knew someone I hadn't met yet was making the hardest decision of their of life.

There were so many unknowns at this point last year. We were preparing kind of for a child but it still didn't seem real. Christmas time last year I finally let myself splurge a little and buy some baby clothes and a couple toys. Nothing overly special just something more for me to feel like I was about to have a baby.

I was in this surreal place and had recently come to peace with the wait. It took me a long time to come to peace. 9 months plus if I recall correctly. It was tough. Tougher than I thought it would be and at times I didn't handle it well. Simply put I was selfish and didn't always think about what was going on on the other side of the world.

This time last year Kiya was in the care center in Addis Ababa and we didn't even know it, yet. Weird to think about. Weird to now know she even had medical tests done on what we call Christmas. My baby girl was being loved on and waiting to meet her new family. We didn't know who she was but we did know we were ready for her. We were waiting for her to be ready for us. We had a little more waiting to do before she would be known to us.

At this time last year I had no idea that in 9 days my whole world was going to be turned upside down. Instead I stayed glued to my cell phone and prayed and waited and cried and waited and cried so more.