Conflicted....

I am having a lot of mixed emotions lately. First, I can't stop reading about the famine and drought in Ethiopia. Check out today's edition of the USA today for a look at what I am talking about. Watching the video is heartbreaking.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2008-08-17-ethiopia_N.htm?loc=interstitialskip

Add to that, I have been thinking a lot about our little one and their first family. I read these articles on the famine and I wonder what life is like for their family right now and my heart breaks a little. I am sure that if my little hasn't blessed this earth with their presence then they are for sure growing big and strong inside their birth mom. What was the pregnancy like? Did their Mom have our little one yet? Did she survive child birth? I know, sad question but last time I checked 1 in 14 women died giving birth in Ethiopia. Does my little ones first family have food, live on a farm, have other children??? These are all questions that I am asking myself and I have no answers yet and I may never have all of the answers.

This is the tough part about international adoption. There will be a lot of unanswered questions and unknowns and a lot of heart break. My heart is aching for our little ones first family. I want nothing more than for them to be happy and healthy and flourishing. I just don't think that is the case and that makes me sad.

Then there is the other side of my heart tugging towards excitement to see the face of our little one and know that soon they will be a part of our family. I can't wait for that day and I can't wait to be a Mom and hold my little one at last.

I want so much to meet our little one but I know that our little one joining our family is a loss for another family. I hold our baby's first family near and dear to my heart. I pray for them everyday. I pray that they have food to eat, clean water to drink and a chance at happiness. I pray that birth mom has an uneventful pregnancy and that both she and baby are doing well. I pray that our baby's first family finds peace in their decision to relinquish their child. I pray that I can say thank you when and if we get to meet a member of our little ones birth family or worst case scenario their caregiver. I know with my referral may come shocking news about little one, their first family or their family history. I know I will guard this info and share when necessary and I know that I can't ignore this info and may have to find a way to make sense out of it all. We knew what we were getting into when we switched to international adoption and we know that behind the joy of us adding to our family there is sadness, loss, grief and a story that may be very difficult to deal with much less share.

Now you see why I am conflicted... I want to be nothing but happy as my journey to becoming a Mom comes closer to being a reality but I have such sadness in my heart for all the loss and devastation that may be facing my little ones first family.