I was thinking this morning how different my life is than what I pictured at age 16. As I am rapidly approaching age 32 I thought wow, I need to look at my life a little and come to terms with some things that will be in my future.
At 16, if you asked me what I wanted my life to look like as a grown up, this is what I would have said. I would be married by 25, have a house with a picket fence, a good job, a couple of dogs, a great husband and have 2 or 3 children. I would take tropical vacations or trips to Europe and I would live in sunny CA most likely in the San Francisco Bay Area. I would basically live in this little bubble of my comfort zone.
Well at almost 32 here is the reality. I got married at 23 to a wonderful man, have a great house in a great neighborhood in WI, have a decent job, 2 crazy pugs and the kids are a work in progress. I left my comfort zone and moved to the Midwest far from my hometown, my best friend, my job and everything that was familiar. I now live close to both my in laws and my parents in the 'burbs'. As for vacations, we travel to CA when we can and yeah that is about it. We took one tropical vacation for our honeymoon and other than that we drive to visit friends in IL, IA and this summer we are going to Michigan. Our next big adventure will be to Africa. Now the reality of my life is different than my expectations at age 16 but that is okay. It took me a few years to get over the ideal life I created in my head and realize that while different, my life is pretty awesome and I really do have an ideal life.
Here is where I wrestle with reality. Never in a million years would I have thought of travelling to Africa and much less Ethiopia. Now, I can't wait to be in Ethiopia to hold my precious baby. Never did I think I would adopt children but as the years passed, something just clicked inside and this feels so right. I am meant to be doing this even though the waiting gets tough it is what I am supposed to be doing. I now consider myself officially expecting. No I am not pregnant per say but hopefully in the next 9-10months I will be holding my beautiful baby. So yes, I am expecting.
Now, if you ask my husband I am the world's worst traveller so this trip half way around the world will be interesting. I am not a patient person and I hate lines so things like customs and waiting for my Visa in Ethiopia will be trying. I also know that I will have a VERY hard time dealing with the children begging on the streets. I know that I will buy food vouchers to hand out but what I will do when I don't have enough, I don't know. I am a little scared that my emotions will get the best of me. In my head I know that I will have done what I could but my heart is going to be telling me to do more. This is something I am going to have to address and realize that I can't fix it. I know that. So I am trying to take each thing in stride and I have worked on being more patient through this adoption process. I had to, I have no control which is hard for me but I had to let go and hand the process over and just wait. I have learned a lot about myself and I know that I can do this. I can wait in lines and deal with flight delays anything it takes to get to my precious little one.
Reality changes. You can't control everything. As much as I would like to control everything, there are just some things I don't get a say in. At 16, that wasn't an option. I was going to be in charge and everything was going to fall into place just like I wanted it to. I basically set myself up to be disappointed. That is why when things in my life didn't go as planned it was hard for me to deal with. I wanted everything to be perfect and that just isn't realistic. When some of my younger friends say I want to do this by age this and have kids by age this, I try to tell them not to set them selves up. If those things are meant to happen in that timeline great but if not then you will be disappointed.
So while I am wrestling with my new reality and future travels I am holding on to one expectation. That expectation is that our little one will be the perfect addition to our family no matter what.
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