Happiness

It is sometimes nice to be in the car by yourself able to listen to your music and not have to answer the question why 50 million times in the span of 10 minutes. I enjoyed my drive today and I got to thinking so here goes my attempt to put into words all the jumbled up thoughts in my head.

About 9 years ago, we packed up all our stuff and drove from California to our new home in Wisconsin. With that drive I left my home of 26 years, my friends, the job that I loved and I think I lost my happiness.

Let's go back a little. I got married in 1999 to my wonderful husband. I had this amazing job in which we didn't have to pay rent. I loved what I did and I loved my co-workers. We got the cutest little pug puppy ever and life was truly full of joy. We had no real worries and could enjoy the little things and each other.

All of that changed in 2003, the move, the unknown, the attempts to settle down and start a family all occurred in this year. The day we closed the doors on the car and headed out to Wisconsin my life forever changed. In these last 9 years I have been searching for me again, searching for happy.

I have had fleeting moments of happiness but I still never really felt settled. I have never felt complete or really truly happy. Adjusting to my new adult life took me a long time. Throw in building a house, infertility, adoption x 2, scoliosis and things were a little chaotic.

I believe the chaos of life has changed me. I wasn't really sure what to do with that. Now that the clouds are parting and I am about to be a mom to two amazing little girls, I realized that all the chaos led me to right here, right now. This is where I am supposed to be doing what I am supposed to be doing.

I finally feel truly happy again. I have had some life changing moments in these last 9 years, namely the birth of the fabulous Miss Kiya and a trip of a lifetime to Ethiopia but yet the happiness never really stuck.

I honestly can't say what I was looking for but I knew deep down that my life wasn't what I wanted it to be. Sure I had a great husband but being married young caused us to work through some growing pains and as we head into year 13 of being married and year 16 of being together, I think we are working out the bumps. I had this amazingly feisty and inspiring daughter and yet I felt I was letting her down as a mother.

Happiness has returned. I am kind of in shock that multiple loads of laundry, moving boxes, cleaning, organizing has led to me being happy. But in reality it is so much more than that. I get to finally be the mom and wife I want to be. I can make a family dinner. I don't have to be embarrassed by the mess that was my house. I can paint my daughter's fingernails and watch movies and eat popcorn. This is the life I wanted but never really knew it.

That said I am grateful for the growing pains, the chaos, the tears, the joys of the last 9 years. I needed those things to get to today. To get to my tomorrow. I am finally feeling settled, happy and home.  And ready to answer the whys coming from the backseat