The missing piece

I have been thinking about how to write this particular post for a while. This one is solely about our Little Man whoever he is. We have been officially waiting for 1 year well over that now but still. We got Kiya's referral in 11 months, 2 weeks and 1 day. We are likely still 11-12 months possibly more away from experiencing the joy that is seeing our child's face for the first time.

That said this wait isn't on my mind daily. It is there just not the same way it was the first time around. Don't get me wrong, I definitely feel the tug and there is definitely a piece missing in our family but I can't focus 2 years of my life on waiting for a phone call. I honestly don't know how first time parents are surviving the wait. Waiting for the phone to ring the first time around was VERY challenging for me. I can't go back to that place.

Some days though while driving I just can't help but think about Ethiopia, about our Little Man, about the unfortunate circumstances that will lead to him being our son. My heart aches to see his face and to know his story. I pray for his first family. My joy when that phone rings is coming with tremendous loss half way around the world.

From here on out it is possible that our son could be born at any time. His mother could be pregnant right now. He could still be just a glimmer....we just don't know. I was talking to a mom today at the store. She had a little boy and I was buying a dress for Kiya. She commented how she has all boys and couldn't buy those adorable girl dresses. I said it was likely easier on her budget. We laughed and I told her we were going to have a son too. She immediately congratulated me and asked when I was due. I laughed. I explained that we are adopting a son and hope to have him in our arms forever in early 2012.  She didn't really know what to say other than good luck.

I don't really think there is luck involved in adoption. Adoption stems from a want on our end to have a son and an unfortunate set of circumstances on the other whether it be death, illness, poverty, rape, or all of the above. It isn't luck at all. It is quite sad really. We will shed tears of joy while family in Ethiopia are shedding tears of extreme sadness.

That said there is definitely a piece in my heart ready for my Little Man. I am holding it there for him when he is ready to take it. I will continue to pray for him, his mother, his family and hope that when it is supposed to be it will all go as smoothly as it can.

For now and the next year or so, I will keep my Little Man in my heart. I am ready for the missing piece to be filled and I know the heaviness that comes with that piece falling into place. Who knows maybe next year at this time my heart will be filled as just maybe I will be blessed enough to have his picture in hand and story to sort through and can begin to prepare for life as a family of 4.