The depths of motherhood

This post has been in my head for awhile...not sure I am really read to write it but I am going to take a stab at it.

Motherhood was not always my dream. When I was 18 I was pretty sure I didn't want to have kids. When that changed I wanted a boy for sure no girls. Like I could have a say in that. Then I met my husband and I knew for sure that some day I wanted to be a mom and it really didn't matter if it was boy or a girl. I just had this gut feeling.

My journey to motherhood was challenging and full of heartache at times. There were needles and tests and drugs and waiting and more waiting and lots and lots of tears and stress. Then we decided to adopt. And with that there came waiting, heartache, tears and finally one cold day in January a call forever changed my life. I saw my daughter's face that day and I knew deep down in my soul that we meant for each other. I knew she had gone through so much and that she was so so tiny and so vulnerable and that somewhere 7000 miles away a dear, loving woman made a very difficult choice deep seated in her love for that little girl. The little girl I call my daughter.

All along my journey to motherhood, I am not sure I really got what it meant to be a mother through and through. Sure there is the day to day meeting of basic needs but it is so much more than that. Motherhood runs deep through me to my very core. I wasn't really prepared for how intensely you can love, nurture and advocate for a child. I didn't get it. I get it now.

My sweet Kiya is truly a gift from God. She is a force of nature and I have learned in these recent months that there is nothing I wouldn't do for this little girl. Nothing. A dear friend said on Tuesday, cast day, that she forgot for a moment that Kiya was adopted. She saw pure love, connection and family that day. That really touched me. I don't think too much about it but to know that someone looking in at our family saw just that a family formed by pure love...well there are no words to describe how that makes me feel. It is what I always hoped and dreamed about but to know that it shows through to others unfamiliar with adoption tugged at my heart.

Motherhood has forever changed me in ways I never dreamed possible and while my path to motherhood was long and difficult I wouldn't change a thing. I can't envision it any other way. We truly were supposed to be mother and daughter. I can't thank dear Zinash enough...she did something I could never have done. Her love for our little girl is so amazing. The depths of motherhood ran deep through her as well. They had to. For her to willingly place her daughter in the hands of strangers. Wow. She is a pillar of strength and part of my heart will always belong to her.

Being a mom is the best and hardest job I have ever had. I love my sweet girl more than I ever thought possible. I will fight for her when she can't and I will stand by her always. I don't think I fully understood this until we had to face the reality of her scoliosis. It has made our bond run deeper. It had too. She was scared. I was scared. I had to tap into a reserve of strength I didn't know I had. Why? Because my daughter needed me. I wouldn't have found this strength without her. She is my motivation. My driving force. She is my daughter and it became all to real that the world better not stand in her way or mine.