9 months home

9 months. 3/4 of a year. I can't believe it and yet sometimes these last 9 months have been more unbelievable than I ever could have imagined.

Being a Mom is everything I thought it would be and so much more and sometimes that has been a good thing and sometimes a not so good thing. I want to believe that I am a good mom. Deep down I know I am. I am doing the best I can at every given moment but it isn't easy. I am not sure I thought it would be but it is hands down the toughest job I could ever imagine.

I have come along way in realizing my own motherhood in these last 9 months. I have learned to let go a little but not too much. I have really and truly fallen in love with my daughter and with my role as her mother. That didn't happen over night nor did I think it would. Kiya and I had to figure each other out, I think we are starting to get there but we aren't totally there yet.

We have our good moments like when she climbs into my lap and wants me to read a story or when she snuggles her head on my shoulder or gives me that goofy grin as she hands a piece of food over the side of the high chair to Badger. There are so so many good moments...too many to list. She is the highlight of my life and I really at this point can't imagine my life being any different.

We have our not so good moments too though like when she hits me repeatedly or when she shys away from a hug or when she wants nothing to do with me when other people are around. I know the hitting is a developmental thing and I know other moms who are the targets for such aggression but it still stings both literally and figuratively.

The not wanting a hug or anything to do with me (or so it seems) brings me back to when we were first home. Just when I think that we are truly attached and bonded and one or both of these things happen and I wonder. Maybe we aren't as securely bonded as I would like to think...maybe we have more work to do.

When I think about it, we will always have work to do. We will have our highs and lows and all I can do is weather them, and be a strong, supportive mother. That is easier said than done while she is screaming and kicking on the floor but I have learned that I have to trust my mommy instincts.

I spend the most time with Miss Kiya and I am so grateful to have that time. We have learned a lot about each other in these last 9 months and I look forward to what lies ahead. She is an amazing little girl and there is really nothing I wouldn't do for her. I am her Mom and her best advocate. I will stand up for her when she can't and stand by her when she is ready. We will have our highs and lows as all mothers and daughters do.

9 months. The best and most challenging 9 months of my life. And while there have been some lows, I wouldn't change any of it because the highs we have experienced far outweigh those few lows. I live for those highs. I live for the smiles, the hugs, the goofiness, the non stop chatter and everything that is my little girl.