The last 24 hours....

To say that the last 24 hours have been a little rough is an understatement. I have a battle going on between my head and my heart.

A little background...we sent Peanut's latest measurements off to the doctor. She came back with a "mildly concerning" response. She was hoping to see more weight gain and overall growth. She said that Peanut is falling behind a little and we want to see her stay even or gain. We should watch things over the next month and then if not improved ask for additional medical evaluations to make sure we aren't missing something and then listed the things at that time we would check for which were kidney issues, metabolic disorders and mild/moderate cerebral palsy.

I spent time yesterday charting her growth on the CDC growth charts and the WHO growth charts, crying, reading and seeking some reassurance. Hence the battle that ensued.

My head is telling me that I picked this doctor because she would give me the worst case scenarios. She wants me to be prepared and worried and not take anything for granted. This is what I wanted. I wanted a doctor to give it to me straight and not sugar coat anything. I am grateful to know all of the possibilities.

That said, my heart disagrees. I am a new mom whose little girl is half way across the world. I haven't gotten any new pictures and only get monthly numbers about her growth. My heart took over yesterday and I cried for my little Peanut. I want so badly to be with her and to hold her and I can't and that just plain stinks.

So after some reading and some VERY kind words of reassurance from others who have been in my shoes my heart and head have aligned sort of. I am still a worried Momma but I have a better grasp on the things that could be and the things that are more likely to be.

For instance, head circumference is very difficult to measure accurately. We have asked for a new measurement to see what that comes back as. The stress of the environment that Peanut is in could also be affecting her growth. I have learned that growth is good. I have also learned that proportionally she is small across the board and that is okay. I know that she will need to catch up but also realize how important it is that she doesn't catch up too quickly. And most importantly, other babies her age and older with similar measurements have been just fine.

Part of the issue is we don't know if she was premature or what she weighed at birth and sometimes those things factor in when plotting growth. She also had a little tummy trouble upon arrival at the care center and was on medication so that could have been a factor as well.

All in all, I could not have survived yesterday without my fellow adoptive Moms. I learned a TON from them and their reassurance helped tremendously. I do have tremendous faith in the staff that is watching over her. They are AMAZING and I have been told that they are quick to pick up on things if they think there is an issue. I know that there still could be issues and I am okay with that. Peanut is our baby girl and we will do anything we have to for her. Now if they just let me get on a plane so I can go get her, we would be off and rolling.